Brendan O'Connor Richard Hogan on family estrangement: "The biggest liberation is finding the courage to forgive"
Feb 14, 2026
Richard Hogan, psychotherapist and author who specialises in family relationships and parenting. He talks about how childhood roles and divorce can drive people apart. He explains setting boundaries, managing family triggers at gatherings, and ways to communicate before stepping back. He reflects on forgiveness as a path to freedom and offers practical approaches to partial or repaired family ties.
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Exhaustion And New Peace Spark The Break
- Fatigue and exhaustion often trigger the decision to pull away when people realise nothing changes and the pattern is futile.
- Hogan notes seeing other healthier families or finding peace in a new life makes returning to chaos intolerable.
Change Your Role To Shift The Family System
- Identify the family pattern and your role before setting boundaries; changing your responses destabilises the system in a necessary way.
- Hogan recommends second-order change: alter how you interact rather than trying to fix others.
Decide A Realistic Level Of Relationship
- Don't expect parents to change; instead decide the realistic level of relationship that sustains you and manage proximity accordingly.
- Hogan warns against simplistic 'cut them out' advice and suggests functional, low-contact relationships when needed.