The Nonlinear Library LW - The proper response to mistakes that have harmed others? by Ruby
Dec 31, 2023
06:32
Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: The proper response to mistakes that have harmed others?, published by Ruby on December 31, 2023 on LessWrong.
I have a tendency to feel very guilty when I have harmed others, especially when the harm was quite large. And I do think I've been legitimately quite hurtful and harmful to a number of people over the course of my life.
Some of my guilt has persisted for years after recognizing the mistake[1]. I think I prefer this to not feeling remorseful at all, but I do also wonder if I'm responding optimally. I suspect that a form of social anxiety might nudge into excessive feelings of guilt.
Guilt done right?
So here are some musings on how to actually respond when you realize you've harmed another person through your own error. I'm writing this to help myself thinking about it, and sharing it partly to maybe benefit answers, and partly to elicit answers from others.
Principal #1: Your guilt and remorse should not make things worse for the person you harmed. If you're now behaving in ways they disprefer, you're only adding more harm to the previous harm. What even? More on this in a moment.
Understand and address the causes of your mistake
If have harmed someone in a way I regret, then I want model why I did that with sufficient accuracy so that I can change something to avoid repeating that mistake. If it was a skill gap, then put in effort to learn the skill. If I had the skill, but failed to notice to apply it, then train myself into better recognition of applying it.
Possibly one ought to apply 5 Why's analysis to their mistake (I haven't done this, but might try it later):
Five whys (or 5 whys) is an iterative interrogative technique used to explore the cause-and-effect relationships underlying a particular problem.[1] The primary goal of the technique is to determine the root cause of a defect or problem by repeating the question "Why?" five times. The answer to the fifth why should reveal the root cause of the problem.[2]
The technique was described by Taiichi Ohno at Toyota Motor Corporation. Others at Toyota and elsewhere have criticized the five whys technique for various reasons (see § Criticism).
An example of a problem is: the vehicle will not start.
Why? - The battery is dead.
Why? - The alternator is not functioning.
Why? - The alternator belt has broken.
Why? - The alternator belt was well beyond its useful service life and not replaced.
Why? - The vehicle was not maintained according to the recommended service schedule. (A root cause)[
Apologize and make amends
If it seems like it would be welcome (and it not always is and can take some modeling to guess where or not it is), I think it's good to acknowledge to a person you harmed that you did so. Express remorse, express understanding of how you harmed them, and if possible, take some action to rectify any damage done.
In my ideal world, we'd have established general ways to compensate others for harms we did to them. I don't think this is trivial to make work, but part of me would like a world where you can say "Hey Jared, I realize I was a total ass to you at the Christmas party two years ago and embarrassed you in front of everyone, I've Venmo'd you $300 to apologize." Arguably, you've then succeeded once the harmed party feels indifferent between having been harmed and compensated, and never being harmed.
But this is not the world we currently live in. I think some harms will have natural means of making amends, e.g. I forgot your birthday but then I got you an extra nice present, and some will not. Which is tough.
Note, I think some apologies are for the other person and some are for yourself (or both). I think in many cases, the other person doesn't owe it to you to hear out your apology, and might not want to, in which case it'd be wrong to push your apology onto them. Cf. Principle #1. And re...
I have a tendency to feel very guilty when I have harmed others, especially when the harm was quite large. And I do think I've been legitimately quite hurtful and harmful to a number of people over the course of my life.
Some of my guilt has persisted for years after recognizing the mistake[1]. I think I prefer this to not feeling remorseful at all, but I do also wonder if I'm responding optimally. I suspect that a form of social anxiety might nudge into excessive feelings of guilt.
Guilt done right?
So here are some musings on how to actually respond when you realize you've harmed another person through your own error. I'm writing this to help myself thinking about it, and sharing it partly to maybe benefit answers, and partly to elicit answers from others.
Principal #1: Your guilt and remorse should not make things worse for the person you harmed. If you're now behaving in ways they disprefer, you're only adding more harm to the previous harm. What even? More on this in a moment.
Understand and address the causes of your mistake
If have harmed someone in a way I regret, then I want model why I did that with sufficient accuracy so that I can change something to avoid repeating that mistake. If it was a skill gap, then put in effort to learn the skill. If I had the skill, but failed to notice to apply it, then train myself into better recognition of applying it.
Possibly one ought to apply 5 Why's analysis to their mistake (I haven't done this, but might try it later):
Five whys (or 5 whys) is an iterative interrogative technique used to explore the cause-and-effect relationships underlying a particular problem.[1] The primary goal of the technique is to determine the root cause of a defect or problem by repeating the question "Why?" five times. The answer to the fifth why should reveal the root cause of the problem.[2]
The technique was described by Taiichi Ohno at Toyota Motor Corporation. Others at Toyota and elsewhere have criticized the five whys technique for various reasons (see § Criticism).
An example of a problem is: the vehicle will not start.
Why? - The battery is dead.
Why? - The alternator is not functioning.
Why? - The alternator belt has broken.
Why? - The alternator belt was well beyond its useful service life and not replaced.
Why? - The vehicle was not maintained according to the recommended service schedule. (A root cause)[
Apologize and make amends
If it seems like it would be welcome (and it not always is and can take some modeling to guess where or not it is), I think it's good to acknowledge to a person you harmed that you did so. Express remorse, express understanding of how you harmed them, and if possible, take some action to rectify any damage done.
In my ideal world, we'd have established general ways to compensate others for harms we did to them. I don't think this is trivial to make work, but part of me would like a world where you can say "Hey Jared, I realize I was a total ass to you at the Christmas party two years ago and embarrassed you in front of everyone, I've Venmo'd you $300 to apologize." Arguably, you've then succeeded once the harmed party feels indifferent between having been harmed and compensated, and never being harmed.
But this is not the world we currently live in. I think some harms will have natural means of making amends, e.g. I forgot your birthday but then I got you an extra nice present, and some will not. Which is tough.
Note, I think some apologies are for the other person and some are for yourself (or both). I think in many cases, the other person doesn't owe it to you to hear out your apology, and might not want to, in which case it'd be wrong to push your apology onto them. Cf. Principle #1. And re...