Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen Do We Misunderstand the Point of Monogamy? (Dan Savage)
15 snips
Oct 9, 2025 
Dan Savage, a longtime sex-advice columnist and LGBT activist, dives deep into the complexities of monogamy, desire, and relationships. He argues that monogamy is about choosing not to act on desires, presenting data on relationship stability among different sexual orientations. Savage introduces the concept of toliamory, discussing the real challenges of tolerating a partner’s behavior. He emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and repair in relationships and critiques societal attitudes towards sexuality, inviting thoughtful dialogue on identity and parenting.
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Relational Sex As Safety Strategy
- Savage connects women's relational sexual patterns to safety and threat of male violence.
- He argues vetting partners and relational sex often protect women from sexual violence and pregnancy consequences.
Don't Punish Natural Desire
- When your partner notices someone attractive, don't escalate; recognize desire is normal.
- Expect consideration for feelings but accept that noticing others is hardwired and not automatic betrayal.
Toliamory: Tolerating A Partner's BS
- Savage coins 'toliamory' to describe tolerating a partner's secret behavior.
- He suggests many open relationships function as quiet toleration rather than explicit agreements.
