Stoping vaping: listener observation

I tried to stop vaping yesterday, I finished the book and everything made sense. I didn’t last very long! I’ve been writing it out and it clearly feels very unsafe to stop vaping. The identity is terrified and I felt so unsafe. 

Logically I know that vaping cannot make me safe, but it feels like it does, as it’s keeps the identity and separate self alive. It is bad for me and I am bad so… I can only stay alive in that identity. (It doesn’t feel anywhere near as threatening to do the walking/ water/ food side of things)

What is going on here? I want health and I put poison into my body! I, I, I ?? 

Does it only shift in the subconscious and can nothing change until that happens? Or is that a cop out of me not wanting to take responsibility? 

Everything about stopping makes sense, so wtf?/child.  It feels so much more than it is, like if I step into this freedom from harm, it’s game over for me, yet it also feels like it’s game over if I don’t stop???  I say I want health, life, energy but do I really or I am happy in the victim role? why is it so so terrifying??? 

I will keep looking at the threat of it, feeling so unsafe. I guess the deal was, I don’t matter so let me live and I’ll spend my live saving others and suffering myself, hurting myself? 

Love to hear your thoughts on this.