The Dark Side of Enlightenment

When we enter the path of practice, two paths open up simultaneously—first we have the path of what we think we are doing. This is the practice method, the conceptual framework, the spoken vow that we turn towards, that we make effort at, that we can talk about more or less.

The other path is the path of what is actually happening. It is darker, more mysterious, often below the level of consciousness, embodied in our soma. This path is before words, before concepts and identification, its a path that is more like an open field, without any directions, markers or guardrails. The pathless path.

When someone asked one of Dongshan’s students—what does your teacher teach?

The student replied: The dark way, the bird’s path and the open hand.

As we enter the dark moon time of the year, the period of late autumn/early winter where the nights are long and dark. I want to talk about the Dark Side of Enlightenment—the path of what’s actually happening. To approach, we lean into story + metaphor and listen with our deeply secret minds, our innermost hearts.

In the Zen tradition we celebrate the Buddha’s Awakening in early December, as a culmination of the year of practice. When we tell the Buddha’s story it is often told in the style of The Hero’s Journey. Its a path of revelation, hard work, mastering techniques and the conquering of Maara.

Another story, I find important to tell is the story of the Buddha’s wife—Yasodhara.

This story is from the Hidden Lamp, a collection of koans from the Buddhist Women Ancestors, the source of this story comes from the Sarvastivadin tradition.

Yasodhara was Siddartha Gautama’s wife. In one of the less well-known stories told about her life, Yasdohara (The Glorious One) and Siddartha had been married in many previous lifetimes. The night that Siddartha left home, Yasodhara had eight dreams that foretold his awakening, and so she encouraged him to leave. They made love before he left, and their son, Rahula, was conceived.

For the next six years, Yasodhara remained pregnant with Rahula, and although she did not leave home, she traveled the same spiritual path and experienced the same difficulties as her husband Siddhartha. She gave birth to Rahula (Moon God in this particular story) on the full moon night of the Buddha’s enlightenment. She prophesied that Siddhartha had awakened and that he would return in six years. Later, she and her son Rahula both became part of the Buddhist sangha.

Yasodhara’s path is the Yin to the Buddha’s Yang way. It reminds us that in truth both are important, and make up the complete path of this life as spiritual practice.

In Yasodhara’s story we open to mysteries of dream, embodiment, pregnancy, intuition and birth. We learn about the patience of staying with, of trusting the unseen processes at work. We ripen through our devotion to life—the creative force alive in each of us.

So, let’s look a little closer at some of the teachings in Yasodhara’s story.

Yasodhara has a series of eight dreams.

Dreams—where do they come from?

These images that sometimes seem to ring of deep clarity— yet appear when we are in deep slumber, one with the night—seemingly unconscious.

Dreams illuminate the dark, dark.

How is it that information, awareness, insight, wisdom, deep feeling and profound experience can happen in the times when our conscious mind is deeply asleep, when we are seemingly unaware of our surroundings?

Dream invites us to explore the nature of mind/consciousness. The relationship between sleep and wakefulness. What is your experience of dream? Have you ever had a dream of insight, clarity or deep feeling? Have you ever trusted information that came through a dream? Do dream images linger in your heart from time to time?

What is dream?

I’d love to hear your reflections to these questions. Feel free to leave a comment!

Throughout the buddhist tradition, dream is used as a metaphor for the nature of phenomena, thoughts, sensations, feelings, experience. We say they are dream-like, in that they can’t be grasped. If we try to hold onto a moment of experience, it slips away only to be filled with the ever presence of this.

Yasodhara’s path invites us to explore the nature of dream and sleep. To include the wisdom of the night, in this mysterious path of practice-awakening.

Many speak of pregnancy as a time when intuition is heightened and dreams take on a visionary quality.

Another line from her story says—although she never left home.

What is home? We often refer to insight or breakthroughs in Zen practice as a homecoming. When I lived at the monastery, many people would talk about the monastery as feeling like their home. Spiritual practice can often open us up to our innermost home.

Byron Katie’s commentary to the Diamond Sutra is called A Mind at Home with Itself. I love this phrase. We can know this too. Our being deeply at home in itself.

Mind resting in its own nature.

Chozen Roshi would use the phrase—always at Home. This touches something about what Yasodhara knew or discovered. Something that we can know or discover. The path back home doesn't require that we go anywhere.

Or, how could we leave it—its always right here.

Yasodhara’s path also reminds us of the quality of surrender and trust.

In the dark, darken further—instructs the dao de jing

And so, she does. She trusts the process of pregnancy, she carries the sacred embryo, her connection to the Buddha extends beyond space and time.

This is something else we can learn from her story.

There are times in our spiritual practice, when we don’t know what is happening. It feels dark, regressive. Maybe we are physically tired or mentally fatigued. Maybe we simply can’t make out what we are doing or our motivation feels low. Maybe we feel a call to surrender to the mystery or are in a period of great doubt. We are still connected to this path of awakening, the Buddha loves us, deeply.

We don’t talk about the love of the Buddha’s and ancestors a lot in the Zen tradition. But its true. The Buddha loves us. Our awakened nature wants us to wake-up, to realize ourselves.

My teacher Hogen Roshi would say, the dark times are when our vows go the deepest.

Chozen Roshi would encourage me to pray to the Buddhas and Ancestors whenever I hit periods of doubt, confusion or fear.

The Buddhas and Ancestors are always available to offer support or guidance, she would say. You just have to ask.

At other times she would say, We can’t do this practice alone, ask the Buddhas and Ancestors for help.

As we enter the period of winter, today, the solstice—the longest night of the year. May we remember that support and love is available always. May we discover the mind at home in itself. And nurture the seeds of awakening in everyone we meet.

…

Thanks for reading friends. This is an excerpt from a longer dharma talk, feel free to listen to the full talk, in it I also explore the archetype of the stone woman.

I’m Amy Kisei. I am a Zen Buddhist Teacher, Spiritual Counselor, budding Astrologer and Artist. I offer 1:1 Spiritual Counseling sessions in the styles of IFS and somatic mindfulness. I also offer astrology readings. Check out my website to learn more.

Below you can find a list of weekly and monthly online and in-person practice opportunities. I will be traveling to Oregon in February and will be facilitating three events of varying lengths, while I am there (most of which are taking place at Great Vow Zen Monastery.)

Weekly Online Meditation Event

Monday Night Dharma — 6P PT / 9P ET Join weekly for drop-in meditation and dharma talk. Feel free to join anytime. Event last about 1.5 hours. ZOOM LINK

Monthly Online Practice Event

Sky+Rose: The Ritual of Being Lost on Sunday January 5

10:30A - 12:30P PT / 1:30P - 3:30P ET

RSVP

In-Person in Oregon

Feb 1 — Sky+Rose Daylong Retreat: The Strange Garden of Desire (more information coming soon, save the date!)

Feb 2 - 9 — Pari-Nirvana Sesshin: A Meditation Retreat exploring Life, Death & the Unknown

Feb 13 - 16 — Emergent Darkness – A Creative Process, Parts Work and Zen Retreat

In-Person in Ohio

(See Mud Lotus Sangha Calendar for weekly meditation events, classes and retreats)

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