The Dissenter

#1176 Justin Lehmiller: The Science of Desire, and The Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Nov 14, 2025
Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of *Tell Me What You Want*, dives into the science of sexual fantasies. He explains what constitutes a sexual fantasy and how paraphilias differ from them. Lehmiller reveals seven core fantasy themes, explores their origins, and shares insights on how societal and cultural factors shape our desires. He discusses the differences in fantasies across genders and the importance of consent. Listeners will find out why sharing fantasies can enhance intimacy, and the complexities involved in acting on them.
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INSIGHT

Who Appears In Fantasies

  • Most fantasies feature people we know: current partners are the single most common fantasy figures for partnered people.
  • Exes are most common for unpartnered people; celebrities are less frequent than imagined.
INSIGHT

Normality Versus Ethics

  • 'Normal' depends on definition: many historically labeled abnormal fantasies (e.g., kink, voyeurism) are statistically common.
  • Legality and consent, not prevalence, should guide whether acting on a fantasy is acceptable.
ADVICE

How To Share Fantasies Safely

  • Share fantasies selectively and expect mostly positive responses when you choose compatible ones.
  • Use apps, media examples, or 'how do you want to feel' prompts to broach fantasies safely.
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