'Courses...' Listener question

I have a pattern, which plays out with increasing regularity, where I discover a course/workshop/training that I am interested in, where the outcome would be that I could teach/lead/facilitate others.  I sign up, and then either immediately, or soon after, think I have made the wrong decision and I usually cancel it or just don’t do it.  I have a veritable graveyard of such unopened/unfinished projects. 

They are all, without exception, things that I thought were heart-led, that I really resonate with, and which I feel would be dreams coming true if I were lucky enough to do them in reality.

I am beginning to see that they are perhaps yet another addiction, an escape from reality, a way of thinking that ‘when I’m doing that, then I will be OK’.

I discovered non-duality teachings at least twenty years ago, and after many years previous to that of personal/spiritual development.

If, after all that time -  through reading, allowing, absorbing, becoming more aware, practicing witnessing and being present -  I still haven’t ‘got’ it, if my knowing is only intellectual and my system continues to play out the old patterns, despite my awareness of them, how on earth will I ever be free to love what I’m doing, whether that is a ‘boring office job’ or some ‘amazing world-changing work’.

I’m as tired of trying to ‘get it’ through exploring non-duality teachings as I am of the suffering resulting from repeating (conscious or unconscious) patterns.  

If you could address how I step out of this paralysis I would be so grateful, thank you.