#119 - Terry Real: Breaking the cycle of shame, anger, and depression

156 snips

Jul 13, 2020

Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, shares insights from his journey shaped by an abusive upbringing. He connects childhood trauma to deep-seated shame and anger, emphasizing the urgent need for emotional healing. Real discusses the transformative power of his Relational Life Therapy, explaining how to confront and break the cycle of pain. He highlights the importance of understanding familial dynamics, empowers emotional vulnerability in men, and challenges patriarchal structures for healthier relationships.

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ANECDOTE

Children's Self-Blame

Children often blame themselves for mistreatment, seeking to regain connection with the parent.
This self-blame is a compassionate, albeit misguided, attempt to make sense of a hostile environment.

ADVICE

Raising Children

Trust your instincts and focus on civilizing children instead of overemphasizing self-esteem.
True self-esteem is inherent and cannot be earned through performance, others' opinions, or attributes.

INSIGHT

Grandiosity's Trap

Grandiosity, like shame, is a form of self-preoccupation, often feeling good in the short term but causing long-term damage.
It's crucial to think your way down from grandiosity, focusing on the harm caused to others, not self-judgment.

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Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, helps people create the connections they desire in their relationships. In this episode, Terry describes how his upbringing with an abusive father forged his path to become a therapist, develop his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) framework, and write I Don't Want to Talk About It—a book that reveals the hidden legacy of male depression. Terry discusses the link between childhood trauma and the deep-rooted shame, anger, and depression, which can result in feeling disconnected. Using real-life examples, Terry explains how he implements RLT to confront trauma, discover its origin, and teach the skills to break the cycle of pain, in order to live a satisfying life.

We discuss:

Terry's upbringing with a depressed and abusive father [3:15];
The importance of the repair process, after relational disharmony, to break the trauma cycle [15:15];
The impact of a patriarchal society, and relational growth as the next step for feminism [19:00];
Origins of deep-rooted shame, and the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling guilty [27:15];
Preventing the propagation of trauma without over-coddling kids [35:30];
The one-up/one-down cycle from grandiosity to shame [37:30];
Covert depression—Steps to fixing the secret legacy of male depression [40:00];
Three forms of false self-esteem [50:00];
Narcissism—A misunderstood concept [51:45];
The interplay of shame, anger, and grandiosity, and how to break the cycle [54:15];
The Relational Life Therapy framework [1:06:30];
How the adaptive child becomes the maladaptive adult [1:15:30];
Speaking the language of social relationships [1:21:45];
When does it make sense for a couple to separate? [1:26:30];
Witness abuse—Consequences of screaming at your partner in the presence of children [1:28:15];
Cases of instantaneous change, and other behavioral changes that may take more time [1:30:45];
Reconciling with his father—Terry's final conversation with his dad [1:33:45]; and
More.

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