Listener question: where do I draw the line?

This may have been answered before, but how do you know where to draw the line in relationships? I have been married for over 30 years. My husband regularly -maybe once a month or every couple of months - loses his temper and then will shout and swear at me. I have told him not to do that on many occasions, and how my ‘self esteem ‘ ( I know, intellectually, no such thing, if no self)then sinks even further because I don’t just walk out. But if all is inside out, it is my thoughts about the shouting and swearing, I could instead - in theory- feel compassion for his discomfort and stress. But the pattern is that I tend to freeze or shout back . Sometimes now I can just be present with it for a bit, but can’t maintain it, and it doesn’t seem to help much.  But if we are supposed to be unconditionally loving of our partners, then I feel I should be able to accept this, when otherwise things are ok, and he has to put up with my almost constant anxiety and depression. ( and then the question arises , would I be different without the regular injections of bile) And  I know that other people in my position probably wouldn’t give it a second thought and just brush or laugh it off, it’s probably just my insane overthinking and analysing that keeps me stuck. It feels like all the positive things are just wiped out when he behaves like that, but then that is me expecting inhuman perfection perhaps.

Thanks for your help