Listener question: no man's land...

Listener question: Dearest Clare: Thought I'd take a few minutes to compose my thoughts about "life" since doing the RICH course last year. You may recall, I am an artist and my biggest area of "stuckness" was around money and selling my art so I could have my "own" money. There were lots of insights and aha moments during the course for sure. But, here's the thing. At  some point, I saw very clearly and deeply how the making of art was in place as a means to keep the "artist" identity in place. This was a very, very deeply entrenched identity that was thoroughly woven into many facets of my life! So, things began to unravel, as it were, and slowly, but surely, this identity has lost it's credibility. But here's what I have been left with for many, many months now. NOTHING. A deep emptiness, apathy, disinterest, dispassion; unmotivated, uninspired; feeling lost, listless, directionless, adrift. 

I have forced myself to do some painting (I know, "I" am not doing anything), but the passion and the drive are gone. I have no desire to make art let alone sell it. I have destroyed (as in thrown out) tons of work that was just taking up space in my studio--no guilt, no emotional attachment whatsoever. Day after day, week after week, month after month, I keep trying to "find myself" to no avail (probably a good thing). I sit in my studio looking around at it all, tons of art supplies and the walls filled with work, and I feel like junking the whole works! 

None of this is "bad" per se, except that, frankly, this "void" is most disconcerting. I would liken it to depression I guess, although I'm not sure I'm feeling depressed! I guess I keep looking for something to fill the void. It's a black, empty hole (oh, I started to type whole, how interesting!), and there is much discomfort with it. 

I feel truly lost. I have no orientation, no direction. Everything is an effort, not just making art. There is no desire to do anything. I have no enthusiasm for anything and I struggle to fill my days. Nothing--baking, knitting, gardening, my usual distractions-- holds any interest. I mostly sit, listen to music, do some journal writing, go for walks or drives with hubby when he wants to get out of the house, or try to force myself to do something. And what I do end up doing takes great effort! 

Even so called "seeking" in a way, is taking a back seat. I feel like I cannot read another book, do another course, watch another video, listen to another podcast. It feels like as far as seeking goes, that there is absolutely nothing further "out there" to engage with. Like somehow, everything I could possibly have read, heard, seen is all there is to be read heard and seen. There's a strange feeling of completeness and a knowing that there is nowhere else to go but "within." The tears well as I write this; there's such a feeling of resignation(?), hopelessness(?), despair(?) because it's becoming so very clear that "I" am NEVER, EVER going to find what "I" am looking for, and I love that you know what I am talking about! 

There is no bliss here, no la la land, no deep peace being experienced! Just this great empty (w)hole. Perhaps at some point I will stop trying to fill that void and just be present to it, stop resisting it, but I know whether that happens or not is out of my hands.

I don't know if this is a ringing endorsement for doing one of your courses Clare, lol! I just felt compelled to write it out and send it off to you, for whatever reason. I'm not looking for a response, or answers or suggestions or helpful advice from you, just thanks for being here for me to write to.