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How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)

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Apr 25, 2024

Guest

Carole Robin

Carole Robin, a Stanford GSB professor known for her influential "Touchy Feely" course, shares insights on building meaningful relationships. She discusses the transformative power of vulnerability and introduces the '15% rule' to stretch comfort zones in communication. Carole highlights the impact of early mental models on relationships and explains her 'three realities' framework for enhancing feedback. She also candidly reflects on her experiences with long COVID, emphasizing empathy and genuine connections as keys to effective leadership.

01:26:59

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Episode notes

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ADVICE

15% Rule

Practice progressive disclosure by revealing 15% more than your comfort zone.
This vulnerability fosters trust and deepens connections but requires appropriate context.

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ANECDOTE

Vulnerability as Strength

Carole Robin shares an anecdote about being perceived as non-human at work due to hiding her feelings.
After an emotional moment, she became a stronger leader through vulnerability and connection.

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ADVICE

Practicing Vulnerability

Practice vulnerability by admitting mistakes and sharing feelings.
Use a vocabulary of feelings to add meaning to facts and connect with others.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Cultivating Connection: The Power of Relationships

05:23 • 15min

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Vulnerability and Connection in Leadership

20:17 • 23min

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Understanding the Three Realities in Feedback

42:56 • 3min

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Navigating Conversations: The Power of Feedback

46:06 • 24min

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Empowering Through Inquiry

01:10:28 • 8min

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Building Exceptional Relationships

01:18:27 • 3min

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Lessons From Long COVID

01:21:36 • 5min

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#4921

• Mentioned in 10 episodes

Connect

Edward Hallowell

#83

• Mentioned in 195 episodes

Mindset

The New Psychology of Success

Carol S. Dweck

In this book, Carol S. Dweck introduces the concept of two mindsets: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe their abilities are static, while those with a growth mindset believe their abilities can be developed through effort and learning. Dweck shows how these mindsets influence success in school, work, sports, and personal relationships. She also discusses how to adopt a deeper, truer growth mindset, and how this can transform individual and organizational cultures. The book emphasizes the importance of perseverance, learning from failures, and embracing challenges as key components of the growth mindset.

Carole Robin spent over 20 years teaching the Stanford Graduate School of Business course Interpersonal Dynamics, affectionately known as “Touchy Feely.” After leaving Stanford, she founded a nonprofit called Leaders in Tech, which applies the Touchy Feely principles to help Silicon Valley executives build their leadership and interpersonal skills. Carole co-authored the popular book Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues, which shares key insights from her decades of teaching these courses. In our conversation, we discuss:

• The benefits of building robust relationships, in life and work

• The 15% rule, and how it will help you build better relationships

• The power of vulnerability

• Examples of how to practice vulnerability

• Why mental models you build early in life hold you back later

• The “three realities” and “the net”

• The art of inquiry

• Practical tips for avoiding defensiveness when getting feedback

• The impact of long Covid on Carole’s life

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Find the transcript at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/build-robust-relationships-carole-robin

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Where to find Carole Robin:

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carole-robin/

• Email: carolerobinllc@gmail.com

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Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com

• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

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In this episode, we cover:

(00:00) Carole’s background

(05:17) The importance of building robust relationships

(10:20) The “Touchy Feely” course at Stanford

(13:29) An example of the in-class experience

(17:19) Leaders in Tech: developing interpersonal competence

(21:36) Progressive disclosure and the 15% rule

(24:28) Appropriate disclosure

(26:52) The power of vulnerability

(34:57) Admitting mistakes and sharing feelings

(37:08) Understanding mental models

(42:57) The “three realities” framework

(53:52) The power of feedback and personal change

(58:47) The art of inquiry

(01:03:27) How to get better at giving feedback

(01:07:47) Exercises and continued learning

(01:10:49) “Advice hinders relationships”

(01:16:49) Failure corner: AFOG

(01:20:30) Takeaways

(01:21:51) Lessons from long Covid

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Referenced:

• How to Build Better Relationships: https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/how-build-better-relationships

• Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues: https://www.amazon.com/Connect-Building-Exceptional-Relationships-Colleagues-ebook/dp/B0894279WZ

• Leaders in Tech: https://leadersintech.org/

• Leaders in Tech Fellows: https://leadersintech.org/learnaboutfellows

• Steve Jobs: https://www.forbes.com/profile/steve-jobs/

• Sheryl Sandberg on X: https://twitter.com/sherylsandberg

• Ursula Burns: https://www.forbes.com/profile/ursula-burns/

• Application for Leaders in Tech: https://leadersintech.org/programs-and-applications

• Vygotsky’s Zone of Proximal Development and Scaffolding Theory: https://www.simplypsychology.org/zone-of-proximal-development.html

• The Best Leaders Aren’t Afraid to Be Vulnerable: https://hbr.org/2022/07/the-best-leaders-arent-afraid-of-being-vulnerable

• The Surprising Benefits of Admitting Mistakes: 5 Ways to Build Intellectual Humility: https://www.forbes.com/sites/tracybrower/2021/12/29/the-surprising-benefits-of-admitting-mistakes-5-ways-to-build-intellectual-humility/

• How to Build Conflict Skills—The Pinch/Crunch Model: https://www.forbes.com/sites/hannahart/2023/12/15/how-to-build-conflict-skills-the-pinchcrunch-model/

• Slides mentioned (The Three Realities Framework | The 15% Rule | Feedback Guidelines): https://www.notion.so/pen-name/Carole-Robin-on-Lenny-s-Podcast-dc7159208e4242428f4b11ebc92285eb

• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

• Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?: https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey

• Long COVID: major findings, mechanisms and recommendations: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41579-022-00846-2

• Leadership, acceptance, and self-management: my journey with long COVID: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/leadership-acceptance-self-management-my-journey-long-carole-robin/

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Lenny may be an investor in the companies discussed.

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