480 SelfWork: Why Am I So Self-Critical?

Jan 9, 2026

They explore how a persistent inner critical voice shows up and what it sounds like. They outline three roles that self-criticism can play: pushing you, enforcing false humility, or keeping you safe from risk. There is a brief guided awareness exercise to notice those thoughts. They also discuss enmeshment in family relationships and when sharing feels like oversharing.

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INSIGHT

Self-Criticism Can Feel Normal But Is Harmful

Self-criticism can become a constant, damaging background voice that feels normal but isn't healthy.
Margaret Rutherford links persistent negative self-talk to shame and perfectionism that hide real emotional harm.

ADVICE

Stop And Listen To Your Inner Voice

Pause and sit quietly for a few minutes to notice your internal self-critical voice.
Margaret Rutherford instructs listeners to listen in like noticing background music and record what the voice says.

INSIGHT

Harsh Self-Talk Is Often Learned Motivation

Many people internalize parental shaming and use harsh self-criticism as a learned motivator.
Rutherford notes this punishing inner voice often persists regardless of achievement and isn't the only way to motivate yourself.

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Self-criticism can take on a life of its own. And become so constant that you have to fight it on a daily or even hourly basis.

So today we’re going to focus on what may be keeping your self-criticism alive and well in ways that you don't realize.

There are two steps we’ll cover. The first is raising awareness of your own inner self-critical voice. The second is assessing what role or function it may have for you. What purpose might self-criticism have that weirdly protects you in some way or serves a role for you in your life?

For our email, I’ve pulled some excerpts from an email I received from a younger reader who’d read the article on enmeshment I have on my website. She has questions about her relationship with her parents – she finds herself, even in her early 20’s, sharing certain kinds of things with them that her friends don’t share with their parents – and think it’s a little strange that she shares those experiences with hers. Her friends are saying that that’s oversharing – that there are certain things you no longer share with your folks as you grow and develop your own life away from them. Are her friends right?

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Link to pre-order the Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook!

Dr. Margaret's article on covert narcissism

Enmeshment article by Dr. Margaret

By the way...

I’m excited to let you know that my new workbook, The Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook, is available for pre-order! It’s a stand-alone workbook (so doesn't need to be used with the original book) and goes through the ten traits of PHD - things like taking on too much responsibility, not knowing how to be more open emotionally - and guides you through new exercises and ideas. These can help you decide what about your drive or your perfectionism you want to keep - and what you need to let go. It’ll publish on April 1st - but pre-order numbers are very important! So I’ll hope you’ll pre-order now! Here's the link!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my newsletter and receive one weekly email from me, highlighting my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join myself and others in my private FaceBook group, click here and answer the membership questions! I'd love to see you there!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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