All Out with Jon Dean Why Are Gay Relationships So F*cking Hard? With Therapist Tom Burette
Apr 28, 2025
Tom Burette, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with LGBTQ people and wrote a relationship guide for gay men, dives into why gay relationships can feel uniquely hard. He explores attachment patterns, role labels, balancing eroticism and safety, stages of gay relationship development, non-monogamy, sexual mismatches, and how honest agreements and community support help sustain love.
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Assign Roles By Skill Not Gender
- Roles naturally form but need flexibility to fit each couple rather than copying heteronormative scripts.
- Tom recommends assigning tasks by skill (finances, household) while allowing space for authentic preferences like masculinity expressions.
Higher Avoidant Attachment Among Gay Men
- Attachment patterns matter: gay men trend more avoidant, shaped by masculinity norms that prize independence.
- Tom connects avoidant attachment to socialized male expectations to not show vulnerability or rely emotionally on others.
Heal Attachment Through Relationship Work
- Heal attachment wounds through relationships, not isolation; use therapy or corrective relational experiences.
- Tom explains individual therapy is an attachment relationship where you borrow the therapist's nervous system for corrective experience.
