65. Collette Pervette: Lessons on kink, BDSM and power dynamics from a world class dominatrix

Whether it is the boardroom, or the bedroom…the most transformative lessons can come from the most unexpected places…

Colette Pervette has spent over two decades as a professional dominatrix and educator. She holds a PhD in education and her students call her an educatrix. What she shared about power, presence, and pleasure were deeply insightful.

If you’ve ever wanted to go deeper on bdsm, kink and power dynamics in general; this conversation will serve as a well-rounded introduction.

Here are some of my favorite themes that we explored…

The dom is subconscious. The sub is self-conscious.

Colette was explaining what it actually takes to hold the dominant role — and it has nothing to do with aggression or performance. It requires the complete removal of your own ego. The moment a dom becomes self-conscious, she explained, they've already lost the role. Their full awareness has to be on the other person.

"If for a moment you're self-conscious, you've lost the role, because you're supposed to be conscious of the sub."

Shame is where your power is hiding.

Colette described how her clients often arrive holding desires they are deeply ashamed of — things they've never said out loud. And the act of bringing those things into the open, of having them held without judgment, is often the most cathartic experience of their lives. The shame doesn't survive contact with expression.

Whatever truth you're not saying — it's costing you more than you think.

Power is trust, not force.

The most effective doms, Colette told me, aren't the most aggressive. They're the ones who have built the deepest trust — so completely that someone willingly surrenders their autonomy, confident their wellbeing is in good hands.

That's applicable to all forms of leadership. Authority without trust is coercion. Leadership without trust is just management. The room only follows you when they genuinely believe you're accountable to something larger than your own ego.

The most truly successful people I've ever worked with don't hold power through force. They hold it because people trust them — trust that they are seen, considered, and taken care of.