Navigating a troubled relationship: listener question

hi Clare, 

I've been around your work on and off for a while and read your most recent book which made me see how I’ve unconsciously used my daughter as a way to secure myself up until when she was about 11 when I had another child, before which we were inseparable. In physical terms I did all I could to include her when the new baby came but somehow my system made the new baby the way in which to secure itself (because my daughter was going to high school, which felt like she was leaving me) and she got sidelined really, not physically but unconsciously. There’s a lot of guilt and shame around this. That was 10 years ago. 

I’ve noticed recently how much her grumpiness irritates me, we don’t have much to say to eachother and her lack of what I could call kindness, care and effort to sort her life out grates on me. So I looked at where is that grumpiness in me? Where do I not sort my life out? Where am I not kind? I see I don’t take care of myself by eating properly, I fear being happy because it looks like I’ll be rejected if I’m seen as ‘ok’.  so I see the mirrors and I am making efforts to eat better, rest and find an activity that brings me joy. I spoke to her last night about her rudeness and grumpiness and how sick I am of it. The urge to apologise this morning was huge! 

But then I just realised this morning, she has every right to be grumpy and rude and angry, I effectively pushed her away! No wonder she is angry and hurting and not sorting her life out and wanting me to rescue her! 

My question is how do I navigate this, which seems a tricky question because there is no ‘I’ to choose how to navigate it,  but I also don’t want to bypass and not face what is going on. In honesty she isn’t much fun to be around and I don’t particularly want to be around her. I’m afraid of letting her back in incase she hurts me, as she has done many times, as I have obviously hurt her. 

It’s complicated and heavy with responsibility, blame, shame and trauma, and hard to articulate it all by email without making it ridiculously long! 

I hope it makes sense and any wisdom would be much appreciated. 

Thank you