Living enquiry: listener example

Email 1

I am loving the ‘do the thing’  theme  and have a question that I hope you can help as I sense that at the root of this will be a huge shift.

My father and I have had a difficult relationship for many years and we maintain the peace by keeping our conversations fairly superficial and avoid any ’sticky’ subjects.

I call him every week to 10 days and notice myself getting uptight leading up to the call and then feeling completely relieved when it is over. He always thanks me for calling but also complains to other family members that I should be calling more frequently.

So when I heard the podcast about it sometimes being about not ‘doing the thing’ I wondered  wether that would apply in this situation?

On one hand I really do not enjoy the calls and would not miss them, but on that seems unkind and to be honest I am not sure I could not make them.

Looking forward to whatever you have to offer me, I am up for a challenge after having some days off…

[I asked - In what way is it difficult?] 

Email 2
Wow, I am not sure if you meant for this question to send me spinning in the way it has, but if so that was brilliant!

I sat down last night to try to elaborate and give you some examples.

I wrote about 5 different emails going over some past issues, and each time I went to send them, I realised that all those situations are no longer true….and even more disconcerting, I am not sure they ever were.

So I shall sit with this a while longer and see if I can come up with something that is other than a story I have been telling myself for a very long time, but right now things seems to be evaporating before my very eyes!

Now what??

Email 3

Wow, who knew much a simple question could unravel my whole life story?!

Your questions have been keeping me up at night and waking me in the am.

At first I was happy to get into the stories of my father and I, that are quite interesting and colourful, however as I began writing them out, and feeling all these old emotions they began to lose their lustre and grip on me.

So here is what I am left with, and even this, that felt so solid, is starting to look questionable.

A little background…..I come from a culture that expects the women to centre their lives around everyone else’s needs (husbands, children, parents..) and my father and I have clashed regarding these expectations since I was a teenager. I finally realised that I would never be able to meet those expectations, so stopped trying.

I no longer attend the multiple extended family get togethers and am considered the black sheep of a large multi-generational family.

I do feel a desire/obligation/duty to maintain a relationship with my father especially since my mother passed away, however I think if we were both to be honest we do not really enjoy each others company. He likes for me to phone or visit, but mostly so that her can tell the rest of the family that I did so.

We have tried to work out our differences over the years even with the help of a psychologist, who ultimately suggested that we do not get into conversations where we had different opinions. So that limits our conversations to the weather as he has very strong opinions that are not up for discussion.

He speaks quite negatively about most other people and I am aware that he does the same about me to others.

He refuses to give up his drivers licence even though he is not longer safe on the road.

I absolutely can see where we are similar in many ways, however this does not seem to shift the fact that I find it really hard to spend any length of time with him.

So I guess to sum it up, I feel he has un-reasonable expectations of me, and we disagree on most topics, yet feel I want to maintain some sort of a relationship with him especially as he ages and is going to need he