Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon Disrupting the Underfunctioning/Overfunctioning Dynamic (Re-Release)
Apr 7, 2026
They unpack the overfunctioning/underfunctioning dance in long-term relationships and where it shows up, from chores to emotional labor. Cultural forces and gendered expectations that shape these roles get examined. Practical shifts, relational agreements, and ways to reframe the pattern are discussed to help couples rebalance. Resources and tools to try are mentioned.
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Overfunctioning And Underfunctioning Are Roles Not Identities
- Over-functioning and under-functioning are relational roles, not fixed personality traits, forming a cycle where one partner does too much and the other does too little across domains.
- Alexandra Solomon lists five domains—domestic labor, emotion regulation, interfacing with the outside world, sex, and finances/ambition—to locate where the roles play out and can shift by context.
Widen Your Lens To Spot Reciprocal Imbalances
- Widen your lens: feeling overburdened in one realm often blinds you to areas where you under-function, and noticing both reduces resentment.
- Solomon recommends a 10,000-foot view to identify reciprocal imbalances so each partner can feel seen in both roles.
Acknowledge Cultural Forces That Define Functioning
- Cultural forces like capitalism and ableism shape what counts as "functioning," making productivity prized and rest devalued, which can fuel over-functioning.
- Solomon urges couples to recognize socialization's role when negotiating responsibilities rather than blaming individuals.
