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291. Finding Freedom From Regret with Robert Leahy

Feb 22, 2023

Guest

Robert L. Leahy

Robert Leahy, founder of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and CBT expert, explores regret and how it shapes choices. He discusses imagining future selves, distinguishing productive versus unproductive regret, decision styles that fuel regret, existential perfectionism, the negation gratitude exercise, and balancing risk versus meaning in life.

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ADVICE

Consult Your Future Self

Use the multiple-selves trick: imagine your future self advising today's choices to reduce impulsive, regret-prone decisions.
Robert L. Leahy recommends asking what your future self would want to avoid harmful immediate gratification.

insights

INSIGHT

Two Opposite Paths To Regret

Both overestimating and underestimating risk produce regret: risk-averse people miss opportunities and impulsive people create harm.
Leahy emphasizes different decision styles (depressive conservatism vs. risk-taking) both generate regret.

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ADVICE

Turn Regret Into Action

When you regret, normalize the mistake, extract lessons, make a concrete plan, and act on it to create productive change.
Practice adaptive humility: accept human fallibility and apologize or repair when needed.

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Defining Regret and Its Mixed Emotions

01:42 • 30sec

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Prospective Regret as a Motivator

Multiple Selves and Choosing for Future You

Decision Styles That Increase Regret

05:13 • 1min

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Productive vs Unproductive Regret

06:29 • 3min

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Tough Love: Limits, Tradeoffs, and Reality

09:25 • 3min

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Deathbed Regrets and Priorities

12:28 • 4min

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Maximizers, Satisficers, and Decision Satisfaction

16:00 • 5min

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Adaptive Humility and Apologizing

21:20 • 5min

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When to Revisit Decisions vs Ruminating

26:35 • 6min

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Existential Perfectionism and Contentment

32:53 • 7min

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Negation Exercise to Build Appreciation

39:52 • 7min

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Relative Preferences and the Buffet Metaphor

46:50 • 10min

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Risk Assessment: Errors and Tradeoffs

56:24 • 12min

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Catastrophe of Not Living Life

If Only, Finding Freedom from Regret

Robert L. Leahy

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We have all experienced a feeling of regret at some point in our lives. It can be a deep sadness and disappointment that results from realizing how we could have done things differently or a feeling of guilt or shame that we experience when we make a mistake. Regret is a powerful emotion, one that can send us spiraling. However, it is possible to move beyond it and not become stuck in the feeling of despair.

Discussing his remarkable guide, If Only...: Finding Freedom from Regret, we are honored to be joined by renowned psychologist and the Founder of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, Dr. Robert Leahy. As we explore the impact of regret, we gain insight and actionable exercises from Robert on how it can be utilized as a valuable tool to create opportunities and inform our decisions in more productive ways. Listen in to understand and manage regret, so that it doesn't control your life!

Listen and Learn:

What is regret?
Using the multiple selves concept to avoid regretful decisions
How different styles of decision-making lead to more or less regret
What distinguishes productive regret from unproductive regret
How to identify when you are caught in an unproductive cycle versus using regret productively
Existential perfectionism and regret
Why is regret a more dominant experience in modern times
The negation exercise
The importance of risk assessment in managing regret

Resources:

Visit the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy website: https://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/dr-robert-leahy/
Watch Barry Schwartz’s, The Paradox of Choice TEDx Talk mentioned in this episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO6XEQIsCoM
Grab your copy of If Only...: Finding Freedom from Regret: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9781462547821

About Robert L. Leahy

Robert L. Leahy is the Founder and Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in NYC, Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College, and Past-President of the Association of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, The Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and The International Association of Cognitive Therapy. He is the recipient of the Aaron T. Beck Award for outstanding contributions in CBT, is the author of 29 books and is a frequent keynote speaker and presenter of workshops worldwide. His new book is If Only...Finding Freedom from Regret.

Related Episodes:

Episode 48. Practical Wisdom with Barry Schwartz
Episode 130. Working Less with Alex Pang
Episode 211. Subtract with Leidy Klotz
Episode 226. ACT for Perfectionism with Jennifer Kemp
Episode 232. Grounded to Soar with Brad Stulberg
Episode 242. Four Thousand Weeks with Oliver Burkeman
Episode 257. The Gift of Being Ordinary with Ron Siegel

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