#189 - Andrew McCarthy on Male Friendship, Reconnecting, and the Power of Showing Up

“You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?”

That’s the question that stopped Andrew McCarthy—yes, the Pretty in Pink / Mannequin/St. Elmo's Fire/"Brat Pack" Andrew McCarthy—in his tracks and led to a 10,000-mile journey to reconnect with the people he considered his closest friends. Andrew's book, Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America, is available now! 

In this episode, Andrew and I talk about what happens when friendships quietly drift into the background, why that happens so often for men, and what it actually takes to rebuild connections with people you know would be there for you in theory, but it's been too long since you've spent time together in person.

This is a conversation about male friendship, but also about something much more universal: showing up, loneliness, and the kind of safety only real friendship can provide.

WE DISCUSSED: 

• Why “having friends” isn’t the same as actually seeing them
• The idea of safety in friendship and why it matters just as much as trust
• Why many men drift away from friendships over time (and don’t always notice it happening)
• The pressure men feel to provide and how that shapes their identity and relationships
• The difference between foundational friendships and newer friendships and why both matter
• What women can learn from how men often allow for imperfection in friendships
• The underrated role of asking for help in building and strengthening connection
• How loneliness can be a signal—not a failure—and what it’s trying to tell us
• Why scheduling (or built-in rituals like games or activities) makes friendships more likely to last
• What kids notice about their parents' friendships and why modeling connection matters
• Andrew’s insight that for many men, action can be a form of love

LINKS MENTIONED: 

• Andrew's newest book: Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America
• Episode 184 of Dear Nina with Dr. Jeffrey Hall
• My episode on NPR's LifeKit about old friends

Meet Andrew McCarthy

Andrew McCarthy gained fame as an actor in the 1980’s appearing in such iconic films as Pretty in Pink, St. Elmo’s Fire, and Less Than Zero, as well as cult favorites Weekend At Bernie’s and Mannequin. He has starred on Broadway and made numerous television appearances, most recently seen as a regular on Fox’s The Resident.

Andrew most recently directed Brats, an intimate and provocative new feature documentary, which premiered on Hulu in June 2024. The documentary explores the iconic films of the 80s as well as their stars, branded with the name the “Brat Pack.”

Beyond his work in front of and behind the camera, Andrew has become an accomplished author, and he is one of today’s leading travel writers. Andrew lives in New York with his wife and three kids.

 

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Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!