Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship #190 - What Birthdays Reveal About Your Friendships and Your Mindset (Debra Arbit)
Reframing Your Birthday and Your Friendships
Birthdays can be emotionally loaded and full of expectations, mixed signals, and quiet disappointment about what we’re “supposed to do” and who is “supposed to do” it for us. If birthdays have left you feeling overlooked or unsure of your friendships, this episode offers a practical—and freeing—way to think about them differently.
And I know some of you are saying, "I don't care about my birthday anyway." That's okay! I'm still making the case that your birthday is an opportunity to be inviting and generous. Stick with me.
In this conversation with my close friend Debra Arbit (who I didn’t meet until my early 40s!), we talk about reframing our approach to birthdays to one that makes them more joyful and reflective of the friendships we want.
Debra shares how she planned her 45th birthday in a way that felt intentional, flexible, and genuinely fun.
Please note, this conversation goes way beyond birthdays. It’s about expectations in friendships, as well as effort, vulnerability, and what it really looks like to build the kind of relationships you want.
HIGHLIGHTS:
- Why birthdays often become a “test” of friendship and why that can backfire
- The case for planning your own birthday (and why it’s not as sad as it sounds)
- Debra’s “Signup Genius” 45th birthday events
- Letting go of rigid ideas about reciprocity
- What “showing up” actually looks like (it’s more than just attending)
- Why mixing different groups of friends can be a good thing
- Scarcity vs. abundance mindsets in friendship
- How to set the tone for your birthday—whether it’s a party or a simple one-on-one plan
Again, if birthdays have ever left you feeling resentful or anxious, this episode offers a way forward—one that’s intentional, generous, and meaningful.
LINKS MENTIONED:
- Debra's amazing Instagram account: @fortheloveofcookbooks
- Episode #84 with Debra: How to Turn an Acquaintance Into a Friend AND How to Make Hosting Easier
- Episode #131: Start a Ritual/Tradition with Friends
- Episode #140: Celebrating Friends’ Birthdays and Your Own Birthday
- All the friendship challenges on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship
MEET DEBRA ARBIT:
In addition to being one of my real life actual close friends, Debra is a serial entrepreneur who is passionate about lifting up other women business owners. When she isn’t thinking of new business ideas or consulting with women business owners, she is likely cooking her way through a cookbook completing every single recipe within it. She recently finished her 20th complete cookbook and is steadily working through her never-ending stack. She posts all about her cookbook adventures on her Instagram account, @fortheloveofcookbooks, where she rates the recipes and shares which of her three kids and husband were willing to try whatever she made. Oh. And she happens to be moderately obsessed with birthdays and celebrating all of life’s milestones big and small.
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Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!