373 | Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Fear of Vulnerability

In this episode, I respond to a question about a nine-year-old who presents as mature, responsible, and "put together," yet shows strong perfectionistic and people-pleasing tendencies in session. I unpack what is often happening beneath that polished exterior — faking good, fear of judgment, low self-esteem, and a deep resistance to vulnerability. When a child thrives in collaborative activities but withdraws during independent play, that often signals discomfort with ownership, mistakes, and being fully seen.

I also address what it means when a child consistently rejects reflected feelings. In many cases, it's not that the reflection is wrong — it's that naming the emotion makes it real. For children who lack emotional vocabulary or have learned to suppress their internal experience, acknowledging feelings can feel threatening. I discuss how small enlargements, gentle juxtaposition, and patient adherence to the model help build self-trust, identity, and emotional awareness over time. Ultimately, this episode is a reminder to trust the process, recognize incongruence for what it is, and allow perfectionistic children the safety they need to gradually let their guard down.

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Common References: Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley. VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press. Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge. Landreth, G.L., & Bratton, S.C. (2019). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): An Evidence-Based 10-Session Filial Therapy Model (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315537948 Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.