How Toxic Shame Creates the False Self

Feb 17, 2022

A deep look at how toxic shame splits us from our true self and births a false identity. Parenting, secrecy, and survival behaviors that teach children to confuse actions with worth are explored. Signs of the false self like people-pleasing, addiction, chameleon behavior, and hidden self-loathing are highlighted. Practical steps for bringing shame into the light and learning to simply be are introduced.

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INSIGHT

Action Versus Being Gets Confused

Parents often conflate imperfect actions with being imperfect, which teaches children self-blame.
That confusion trains us to be 'doers' rather than simply 'be' people.

INSIGHT

Achievement Can Mask Secret Shame

Toxically shamed people guard against exposing themselves to others and to themselves.
Success can hide shame because achievement masks a secret self-loathing.

ANECDOTE

Learning To Be By Watching Planes

Kenny describes learning to 'be' by sitting and watching planes, which triggered intense anxiety and crying.
Letting go of doing allowed him to notice beauty and receive a ride naturally.

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