Why Strong-Willed Kids Are So Hard to Parent (and Why They’re Amazing)

Strong-willed kids can be some of the most challenging — and the most incredible — kids to parent.

In this bonus mini-episode, Sarah and Corey talk about what makes strong-willed kids unique, why they can feel so hard to parent in everyday moments, and why their determination, honesty, and sense of justice are traits to be celebrated.

They also discuss how small shifts in how we communicate with strong-willed kids can dramatically reduce power struggles while preserving connection.

If you’re parenting a child who pushes back, refuses to be bossed around, and stands firmly in their beliefs, this conversation will help you see their strengths and learn how to work with their temperament instead of constantly fighting against it.

Sarah also shares details about her upcoming workshop on parenting strong-willed kids.

You can find the workshop at https://reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/workshop

00:00 — Strong-willed kids: a blessing and a challengeWhy Sarah and Corey both love working with strong-willed kids.

01:00 — What makes strong-willed kids specialTheir sense of justice, independence, and willingness to question authority.

02:00 — Why strong-willed kids can make everyday parenting harderWhen kids won’t “just put their coat on.”

03:00 — A real-life example of strong-willed determinationSarah’s story about her niece tying her shoes while holding a fidget spinner.

05:00 — The nervous system reaction to being told what to doWhy strong-willed people resist being bossed around.

06:00 — The surprising realization Sarah’s son had at age 13Why he thought one parent was “better.”

07:00 — Power struggles and how to avoid themWhy connection matters so much with strong-willed kids.

08:00 — Workshop announcementParenting Strong-Willed Kids: Tools to Reduce Power Struggles Without Crushing Their Spirit.

Sarah: Hi, Corey.

Corey: Hey, Sarah.

Sarah: Let’s talk about strong-willed kids. Are your kids strong-willed?

Corey: Absolutely.

Sarah: Yeah, both. What about you?

Corey: Both of them. And yes—the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I am extremely strong-willed.

Sarah: Me too. And my kids— all three of my kids are strong-willed. And me and my husband. You should see us play board games together.

It did make it harder to parent them. And I also love how I am, and I love how my kids were and are. What do you love about strong-willed kids?

Corey: I love so much about strong-willed kids. I actually think some of my favorite clients to work with are those who have strong-willed kids.

Sarah: For sure.

Corey: Because these kids are just… what I love about them is they’re going to change the world. They’re not going to just go along with the crowd. They’re not going to just do things because you said so. They’re going to really think deeply about things. They have this deep sense of right and wrong.

Sarah: Justice. Yeah.

Corey: Yes—justice guiding who they are and what they want to do in the world.

Sarah: Yeah. What I love about strong-willed kids is that they speak their truth. You know how they feel. They’re not afraid to speak their truth about what they like and what they don’t like.

Corey: Yeah. You always know where you stand with them. There’s no guesswork involved with a strong-willed kid.

Sarah: Yeah. And they’re so willing to stand up for what they believe in—even if it comes at a cost to them.

I love how they won’t be bossed around. Because they’re little and they’re still learning, sometimes they don’t realize it’s at their own expense.

Corey: Yes.

Sarah: I think it’s something to be admired. And also, as a parent, it makes it tough sometimes to work with them.

Corey: Absolutely. There have been so many times where I look at my kids, or I’m talking to clients, and we’re just like, “Why can’t they just go put their coat on now?”

We have these busy schedules we’re trying to get through, and sometimes when you have these little strong-willed kids, you feel like you can’t get through the schedule because they won’t just go do what you ask them to do.

Sarah: Yeah.

One time when I was teaching a workshop on strong-willed kids—and another one’s coming up; we’ll get to that—I looked up the dictionary definition of strong-willed. It was something like: tends to do what one wants, even if others advise against it.

And I love that.

It reminds me of something that happened recently. As you know, I was visiting my sister and my niece, who’s eight. I was helping get my niece ready for school. She was tying her shoes, and she had a fidget spinner in one hand while trying to tie them.

Of course, tying your shoes is already tricky when you’re still learning, and trying to do it with a fidget spinner makes it even harder.

I casually said, “Let me hold that.”

She said, “No.”

I started laughing, and she looked at me.

I said, “Have you ever heard the expression cut off your nose to spite your face?”

She said no.

I explained that it basically means making things harder for yourself just to prove a point. I told her, “I don’t care if you hold that fidget spinner while you tie your shoes, but it’s making life harder for you. I love that you don’t want to be bossed around, and I admit I kind of gave you an order to let me hold it. I love that you’re standing up for yourself and not letting anyone boss you around. But holding onto that fidget spinner while tying your shoes is making things harder for you.”

She didn’t say anything.

She finished tying her shoe with the fidget spinner still in her hand.

Then when she moved to the next shoe, she handed it to me and said, “Will you hold this?”

I said, “Sure.”

And she tied her shoe without the fidget spinner.

That’s such a good example of how strong-willed kids can be. If my husband tells me to do something I was already planning to do, I can feel my nervous system activate—like, He can’t tell me what to do.

But because I’m a grown-up with experience, I don’t shout “No!” when that happens.

So that little tweak can really make things easier for strong-willed kids—and for us.

Corey: Absolutely.

And we were saying off camera too—obviously you are also my boss, and you are the only person in my life who can tell me what to do, and I happily do it without that nervous system response.

So all those tweaks that you’ve taught me over the years—how you manage me—show that there really is a way to work with strong-willed people, whether it’s a little kid or a grown-up, to make them feel empowered when you’re working together.

Sarah: Totally.

My middle son is extremely strong-willed. He’s 21 now, but growing up he absolutely would cut off his nose to spite his face so he wouldn’t feel bossed around.

My husband tends to be a bit more traditional—still peaceful, but a little more direct and demanding.

One time when my son was about 13, he said, “Dad’s a better parent than you are.”

I said, “Really? Why do you say that?”

He said, “Because I always do what he tells me to do.”

I knew what he meant. My husband would say things like, “You have to do this,” and my son would comply.

So I asked him, “Have I ever asked you to do something that you didn’t do?”

He stopped and thought.

Then he said, “No.”

The difference was that he didn’t feel bossed around when I asked him to do something.

And he usually did follow my husband too because he felt connected to him—which is another really important thing with strong-willed kids: connection.

But it was funny watching his face as the realization landed. The ground shifted for him.

He realized, “I do what my mom asks too. I just don’t notice that she’s telling me what to do.”

I thought that was hilarious.

Corey: That shows you worked with him so effectively that he didn’t even notice directions were happening.

Sarah: Yeah, exactly.

Well, there are so many fun things to talk about with strong-willed kids. I love them so much.

But I also see parents every day—and I know you do too—who feel really stuck. They feel like they’re constantly battling and getting into power struggles.

That’s why I’m teaching a workshop on this.

It’s on Wednesday, March 18th at noon Eastern time. You can go to reimaginepeacefulparenting.com/workshop to sign up.

If you have a strong-willed kiddo, this workshop is for you.

If you’re in our membership, it’s included, so don’t sign up separately.

It’s a live workshop on Zoom where we’ll talk about how to work with strong-willed kids so you can get through the day without feeling like you’re constantly fighting with them—while still preserving connection and getting the things done that need to get done.

If you can’t make it live, you’ll get the replay and a cheat sheet afterward.

If you’re listening to this on the podcast, we’ll put the link in the show notes.

If you’re seeing this on Instagram, the link is in my bio.

I hope to see everyone there.

Thanks, Corey.

Corey: Thank you.

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