How Trauma Makes You Say Yes When You Mean No

Apr 3, 2026

A candid look at how past trauma shapes consent and makes people agree when they mean no. Practical conversations about reclaiming boundaries, relearning pleasure, and communicating needs more clearly. Real stories show how to pace intimacy, set limits, and practice saying not yet while rebuilding trust and safety.

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ADVICE

Talk Curiously About Partner Porn Use

If a partner's porn use upsets you, have a calm, curious conversation rather than immediately shaming or assuming the worst.
Emily suggests saying what you felt (I felt like I wasn't enough) and asking what the behavior does for them to understand motives.

INSIGHT

Chatting With Performers Is A Different Level

Chatting with performers is a newer, more intimate layer of porn that can trigger jealousy even when solo masturbation felt okay.
Emily notes platforms and live chat elevate arousal by adding taboo, interaction, and escalation beyond passive porn.

ADVICE

Help A Partner Rewire Disgust Around Masturbation

If a partner is disgusted by self-touch, support gradual exposure and sex-positive education rather than pressuring them.
Emily recommends date nights, sex-positive books, shopping for toys together, and patience as rewiring strategies.

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Most women can name every product in their skincare routine but can't tell you the last time they actually paid attention to their vulva. Not because you don't care — because nobody ever taught you to. And that silence is costing women their pleasure, their comfort, and sometimes their health.

In this episode, I sit down with OB-GYN and women's sexual health expert Dr. Sherry Ross — author of the V-ology book series and someone I consider one of the most important voices in women's intimate health — for the most practical, shame-free conversation about vulva and vaginal health I've ever had on this show.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why your vulva needs the same care and attention as your face — and what most of us are getting completely wrong about cleaning, moisturizing, and maintaining vaginal health at every age

• The truth about painful sex, perimenopause, and recurring infections — what's actually causing them, why doctors keep dismissing the symptoms, and the solutions most women have never been told about

• Whether every woman can learn to squirt, what your labia is supposed to look like, and why the clitoris — the road to success — might be the most important thing you're not paying enough attention to

More Dr. Emily:

• Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply).5

• Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!

• Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.

• The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure

• Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website

• Let’s text: Sign up here

• Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

Chapters:

0:00 - Intro

1:51 - Caller #1 (Jamie, 44): Partner Chatting with Sex Workers Online — Is It Cheating?

9:46 - Dr. Emily's Takeaway: Masturbation in Relationships & Staying Curious

10:30 - Caller #2 (Damian, 28): His Wife Is Grossed Out by Touching Herself

16:09 - Caller #3 (Lacy, 25): Love Bombed on a First Date, Then Blocked

23:55 - Caller #4 (Rachel, 25): Getting Back Into Sex After a Long Break

32:23 - Caller #5 (Karina): Dating After Trauma & Learning to Say No

41:00 - Dr. Emily's Final Word: Your No Can Be a Not Yet

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