Focus Forward: An Executive Function Podcast Ep 12: How to Maintain Progress Through Times of Change
We’re back! Didya miss me? I missed you all and it's so great to be back with new episodes of the podcast. As this new season of Focus Forward begins, I’m diving right in to tackle the difficult subject of transitions, its impact on personal growth, and what can be done to better cope. To inform this conversation, I invited Rachel Hulstein-Lowe, a licensed independent clinical social worker in the Boston area. Rachel and I talked about supporting ourselves and our kids through challenging transitions, especially back to school. If you are listening to this episode months after school has started or you are not even a parent or caregiver of children, don’t worry because the ideas that Rachel shared can be used at any time, by anyone, in any transition. We also talked about mindfulness and some easy ways to introduce mindfulness into your life. While the topics are heavy, this conversation is full of good ideas and hope.
Here are some relevant resources related to our conversation
Learn more about Rachel Hulstein-Lowe.
Learn more about Lisa Damour.
Mindfulness Resources
Getting started with mindfulness
The impact of the pandemic on children
The Stolen Year by Anya Kamenetz
Snapshot of pandemic’s mental health impact on children
Back to School Support
Student Stress: Untangling the Anxiety & Executive Function Connection
Exhausted by the School Year (already)? How to Get Back on Track
Contact us!
Reach out to us at podcast@beyondbooksmart.com
IG/FB/TikTok @beyondbooksmartcoaching
Hannah Choi 00:04
Hi, everyone, and welcome to Focus Forward, an executive function Podcast where we explore the challenges and celebrate the wins, you'll experience as you change your life through working on improving your executive function skills. I'm your host, Hannah Choi, and we're back. Did you miss me? I miss you. And I am so excited to be back in the podcast Oh sphere. Okay. I think I may have just invented that word. But I'm going with it. We took two months off from dropping new episodes, and boy did it fly by. If you ever catch yourself saying two months is a nice long amount of time. Stop yourself right there. Because that is a lie. Two months is basically two seconds, so you better get going right away. If you want to accomplish anything in that amount of time. Well, I guess first, you could listen to episode 11 In our first season, which was all about procrastination, and how to make it a little easier to get going. But once you're done with that, get off your butt and get going. Would you believe me when I say that that's only the first time you'll hear me say "butt" in this episode?
Hannah Choi 01:15
As this new season of focus forward begins. I'm diving right in to tackle some tough stuff with Rachel Holstein-Lowe, who is a licensed independent clinical social worker in the Boston area. Rachel and I talked about supporting ourselves and our kids through challenging transitions, especially back to school. If you're listening to this episode, months after school has started or you're not even a parent or a caregiver of children, don't change the channel, because the ideas that Rachel shared can be used at any time by anyone in any transition. We also talked about mindfulness and some easy ways to introduce mindfulness into your life. And we also touched upon both how to talk with our kids and support ourselves when incomprehensibly sad and complicated situations are happening in our country and in the world. And while the topics are heavy, this conversation is full of good ideas and hope.
Hannah Choi 02:16
Alright. Well. Hi, Rachel, thank you so much for joining me today.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 02:20
Oh, thank you, Hannah. It's really nice to be here. I'm really glad we were able to come together.
Hannah Choi 02:26
Me too. It took us a while we had starts and stops there my family with COVID. And there was summer traveling. But yes, it happened.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 02:35
Yes, I'm glad we persevered.
Hannah Choi 02:38
Well, would you like to introduce yourself to our listeners?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 02:41
Sure. So I'm Rachel Holstein-Lowe and I'm a licensed independent clinical social worker. I'm based in the Metro West Boston area, and I have a private practice there. I've been in private practice for 12 years here. But I've been a clinician for nearly 20 years. And I work with a lot of kids and teens and their parents around all kinds of issues, executive functioning being one of many. And certainly that's that that cluster of skills is so impacted by kind of what whatever else is going on, in a young person's life that I think honestly, probably any client, I see kid and adult, like we're talking about those things, whether or not we're using that language,
Hannah Choi 03:33
right? There's something that you said made me just think about, like the why they're called executive function skills, right. They're just skills that help us execute our day. And so it makes sense that they're tied up with everything. And, and like you said, Me, you might not use that language, but learning how our mental health impacts our executive function skills, and vice versa, is such a valuable skill. And I love that more and more conversations are being had around executive function. And more and more people are learning those words and what that means and how important they are. And it's not just, you know, organization and time management, it's the emotions that are involved with how you feel when you are disorganized, or when you can't manage your time, or how you feel when you figure out how to get organized and how to maintain that organization and how to like if you finally figure out a way to not forget to go to appointments or you finally get to your appointments on time. How what a huge impact that has on your how you feel about yourself. Yeah. That that, that I love how that you said that it comes up in their conversations and yet you recognize as a practitioner, that that is what's that is what's being talked about whether you use those words
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 04:55
I think there's a kind of a growing awareness that these aren't things that we Just have right there skills that we have to develop and work at. And similarly, and I think also going what what societally speaking is that we're, we're increasingly aware that there's not that the mind and the body are actually connected. And not right, the mind isn't just being transported by the body. So I feel like that there's a growing awareness and understanding about about that, that allows for us to have a different kind of conversation and a different way of working.
Hannah Choi 05:35
Yeah, well, yeah. Similarly, I find, I see a look of almost relief, I would say, on my clients, when I explain, or when we talk about how the brain is causing the challenges that that they that they're having. And so I feel like, I see this relief, like, oh, it's not me, it's my brain. And so like learning that connection between the brain and the body, and and why we do what we do, and don't do what we don't do. All comes from the brain. I don't know, for me, it really helps me understand it. And I do see like, oh, okay, so I'm not just like, bad at something. My brain, there's something going on in my brain that makes it more challenging.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 06:27
Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Right. And also, what I see with people when they learn about how the brain works, or how and then more specifically how their own brain might be working, right it how it might be processing information, or being triggered, right? How the stress response gets triggered, like, the more they understand that the more agency, yeah, they feel like they have, like, oh, there's actually something I could do in that moment, that might not take the stressor away, but I could feel a little bit better, I can feel a little calmer, I can feel a little more, you know, capable in that moment. And and that that is really exciting to see how quickly somebody can go from a place of just being like, Oh, this is the way it's going to be to oh, oh, I can actually that actually worked. So like we do a breath technique and like, oh, well, I actually do feel different. Like I can actually send a difference in my, in my brain and in my body. And that allows me to make a different choice. And that's just I think that's, that's really exciting. That's, that's an that's an exciting part of the work right? When you see somebody unlock that
Hannah Choi 07:41
Yeah, yeah. And so that makes me think about the idea of this practice, right? So they call it like a meditation practice or a mindfulness practice. And so that means that we have to do these things over and over again, to get better at them, right. And so it makes me think of all these strategies that we use to support ourselves in areas where we might struggle, you can't just do it once, right, you can do it once and experience the benefit of that one time. But you need to do it again. And again. And it makes me think of how at the beginning of the, like, beginning of any kind of transition, any kind of change, we might feel like super organized, and we've got our like ducks in a row, like at the beginning of the school year, like Yeah, I don't know, with my my kids, right? They've, they've got their checklists, and they're, you know, and they've got their backpacks already, and they know exactly what they're going to do. And so the first week of school, they've kind of got it together, and they remember to do the things they're going to do. And then already this week, I'm seeing we started last week, and already this week, I'm seeing it starting to fall apart. And, and, and on my end to like my, my, the energy that I have to help them maintain the system that we're trying to build is challenging. So do you how do you support your your clients are just what do you recommend for people to once they start to try to set up that practice? Whatever it is practice of fill in the blank? How do you help people keep that going and not experience what I'm already experiencing? Only in week two?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 09:17
Yeah. When we're starting, like when we're kind of entering these big transition moments. I think there can be a lot of hope that kids and parents alike have about the new year and you know, we got to clean the slate and there's all this opportunity. And we're going to you're going to learn so much you're going to grow so much you're going to try new things. And that that can all be true. But there's also you know, plenty of kids and parents who are thinking, oh man, not again. Right, and are really expecting it to be hard because it has been or because they're tough. Tired, right? And just like the idea of having to like get up and go like they did, like they don't write, they don't have it. Don't feel like they have it.
Hannah Choi 10:12
Or there's or there's other situations in their life other circumstances in their life that exactly literally makes it challenging, like if they work at night or if you're stressed in some other in the financial way, or if they don't feel like they have support.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 10:26
Right. Yeah. Right. So I mean, I think we can, I'm both cases, we want to be looking at kind of setting some, some realistic expectations.
Hannah Choi 10:36
So what are some questions in interactions that parents can have to support their kids to get to a place of seeing situations in a more kind of realistic way?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 10:49
I think sometimes parents, ah, you know, we're often handicapped because we often ask the question, how was your day? And we hear crickets? Guilty? I think there's a lot of reasons for that, and understandable reasons for that. I think so sometimes I think there's there's also like, how we go about it matters a lot. How much we're asking when we're asking what we're expecting to get back. So the timing, waiting until we're in the car, that we're not right, like those and those kinds of tactics, I think of becoming more and more like people kind of get like, oh, yeah, if we're not making direct eye contact, maybe if we're just sitting next to each other in the car or on the couch, it might be an easier interaction.
Hannah Choi 11:35
Yeah, I've heard, I've heard lots of suggestions about having difficult conversations in the car. Because you as a driver are slightly distracted, you're not going to be able to be like super, super involved in the conversation. You don't have to look at each other. You can pause and pretend that you're concentrating driving when really you're like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 11:55
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. You can clench the wheel if need be? Yeah. The other I think it's, I think it could actually be really useful. In terms of timing, but then I think, also, as parents, you know, I have a unique position with the young people I see. And you know, you do too, and that I'm going to interact with them for at best 45 to 60 minutes a week. Yeah, yeah. And then they're going to, and then they're gonna go, they're gonna plop into my office, or I'm going to meet them virtually. And I'm, I'm gonna get some stuff, and we're gonna have a nice conversation, but they don't really they don't owe me anything beyond that. Nor do I owe them. And that's a, that's a really unique experience, I really try hard to let parents know like they, because of that they are going to share something with me that I think is fundamentally different. But the ways that parents can maybe maximize conversation is to really start to use the therapeutic models in terms of like, really starting from a place of, I want to show you that I get and understand your emotional world. Or at least, maybe I don't know all the details. And I can't pretend that I've lived that experience myself. But I know what it's like to be anxious. I know what it's like to be mad. I know what it's like to be jilted. I know what it's like to worry about a test, like I know those things. So when our kid is showing that emotion, we're joining with that. And we're starting from that place. So rath- So right, so we're really starting with a place of letting our kid know, I get that feeling state.
Hannah Choi 13:43
This, this reminds me of a conversation that I had earlier in last season of the podcast with Sherry Fleydervish, who is a therapist in the Chicago area, and she was talking about the idea of co-regulation, and how, how just even just share like, as much as you can, as a parent sharing in the emotion with your child can show them like you said, validate their feelings and can help them work through it or just, it shows them it's okay to feel this way. And to just it's okay to just sit in that feeling. And yeah, just being physically near them can help or Yeah, and then one thing that she said that, that really resonated with me is like, I I noticed, like, I don't I don't want to get it wrong when I'm interacting with my kids or my clients. Like I don't want to Well, up until I talked with her, I didn't want to get it wrong. I didn't want to. I wanted to be able to guess their emotion and get it right. And, and then so so I would hesitate to try to to try to help them figure out what they're feeling because, yeah, I didn't want to be wrong. And she said it's okay to be wrong. Yeah, because it can one it can help them. It just shows them that you're trying to connect with them. And to it can actually help them figure out what they are really feeling. Yeah. And because they can, if you guess wrong, then they can say, Oh, well, no, it's not actually that it's and then it gets them to think about Yes. Yeah. So as parents, we might be hesitant to engage with our children about emotion. In case we get it wrong, or in case, they don't want to talk about it, but maybe just showing them that we are open to talking about it, and that we have feelings, too. Must be very validating for kids
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 15:34
Absolutely. I think it I think all of us are looking for that sense of being seen and heard. And when we really experienced that, that there's it can't be beat. Right? Regardless, regardless of age, but we are we're so hungry to be seen and heard. And understood. Yeah, we really want it all we really want to be known. We want to be known. Yeah.
Hannah Choi 15:57
You just see people's reactions. Like sometimes you see a silly meme. And, and, and then and oftentimes people's response is "I feel seen". One was like, you know, I use my microwave as my as my coffee storage. And I was just like, Yeah, me too. That's where I keep my tea.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 16:16
Love it. Yes. Yes, exactly.
Hannah Choi 16:20
Yeah. So no matter what it is, it does feel good to be seen, and how, what a great opportunity to enrich your relationship with your child.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 16:30
And I think what often happens if we don't feel validated and known and understood, if our kid doesn't? Then they're gonna keep throwing things out? To try to get you to get it. Yeah. And what that typically looks like, is dysregulation and protest and resistance, right? That's how we experience it. But I think what they're actually trying to communicate is, can you could you please see me see me? See me? Yeah. And once we see them, we what we tend to see more often than not, is that really drops down. And then we can then we can have a conversation about well, what, what happened? And what do you want to do next? Yeah. And is there a way? Is there a way for me as your parent to do to be a part of that? Or is it more that you just needed me to know this is going on?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 17:25
And that's a great question to ask.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 17:26
And it sucks, right? I can't do anything. And I'm here for you. I think the our older, right, as our kids get older, our role more and more, really, is to take more of a backseat and allow them to try things and probably not always do it correctly. But to say I got your back here, no matter what. And, you know, you can go out and try those things and come back and tell me about them. And try again, you know, that's, that's, that's what we that's what we hope for. That is not an easy task as a parent. No, that's really, it can be excruciating.
Hannah Choi 18:08
And also, I feel like, you know, as when our kids are little we can, the things that we do for them are very tangible, right? Like we get we fill their cereal bowl with milk. Yeah, you're hungry. I'll pour the milk for you. You've grown out of your clothes. Here's some new clothes that fit. Yeah. But then as they get older, that connecting with someone emotionally is not like a thing you can hold. It's not, you know, it's not milk you can pour. And so it's a I imagine, I know for myself, but I imagine for the people that transition from helping in a real tangible way to helping in just like a sort of invisible support ways is different. It's hard. Yeah, it's hard to back off like that.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 18:54
It is. It is it is I think, particularly as parents, I will say, I've had one client in particular, I think of who I've worked with for a long time. And through a lot of a lot of life. This this this 19 year old has seen a lot. But something she shared with me recently was very early on in her work. It was just excruciatingly painful for her to articulate really what was going on internally. I could see it we could, we could see it, but we didn't know. There weren't words. And she said one of the one of the things that allowed her to keep coming back was that I just sat I literally sat with her. We didn't I didn't force conversations. Sometimes we passed a notebook back and forth to each other. And sometimes those were drawings, those weren't always words. But that went on for a while. But I went you know what it? The message she got was it was okay. I can hold it. And I think that's that that's really that's really the intention here is to say, I can handle it. As a parent, I can handle it. I don't like it. It's really yucky. But I can handle and I think that speaks to what you were talking about with this other therapist talking about that co-regulation piece. Yeah, yeah.
Hannah Choi 20:19
And what a nice if you can get if you as a parent can get to a place where you can do that and feel comfortable doing that such a gift for you, your child and your relationship. Yeah. And future relationship
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 20:31
Because I think what we forget, sometimes, either as parents or as providers, frankly, is that sometimes the people we're working with or our kids already have the answers, and then they just are so overwhelmed that they can't access them in that moment. But if we provide them space, right to sit with it, yeah. And feel it. And it's okay. And it passes as emotions do, right? They're not temp, they're not permanent. They're temporary, the cloud moves, right, the sun comes out again. And then oh, right, a solution appears. Right? Or maybe no solution, but at least something to try. I think another really cool thing to try is to is doing some imagery or doing some just some imagining around the this event being a success. Right, and like kind of step by step. So really, it can be a little bit painstaking. But really breaking it down until like, I'm going to, I'm going to get dressed, I'm going to walk out the door, I'm going to take these steps into the into the school like really like, at all those moments where there might be a seizing up that that we're imagining, well, what can I do in that moment? What's that going to feel like in my body? And what? Who am I going to need what connection? You know, what can I remember? What can I have with me? What can I hold in my hand, like all kinds of ways of imagining each step of that transition, or that moment being a success?
Hannah Choi 22:13
Hearing that is very validating for me because I struggle with some anxiety and and when I'm lying in bed the night before a day where I know that I'm going to be doing some things that that I'm anxious about. I will envision my day I make myself like I imagined myself getting up getting ready. You know, doing like I walk myself doing through all of your things. Awesome. Yeah. And yeah, I usually don't even make it to the end of the day, because I fall asleep before I get there. But it has been the, it has been one of the most helpful things that I've done for myself dealing with an upcoming stressor.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 22:56
Uh huh. Yeah. So one other thing to be thinking about when we're thinking about these big transition moments, right. So there's, there's all kinds of things to be keeping in mind. But I do want to say kind of the importance of routines. So we know, kids sleep is really crucial. And I'm you know, I don't want to be judge and jury on that. I just want to say like, having a regular bedtime and wake up time, regardless of age is really important in terms of good sleep hygiene, and in terms of maximizing brain capacity, and, and overall health benefits, like the data is undeniable. It's just undeniable. So the more we can support, that kind of routine is, is going to, we're going to see a better regulated and a more ready kid for the day. Yeah, so whatever we can do to support that. Um, and nutrition. I don't you know, I'm not a dietitian. So I'm not getting I'm not going to get into the details of that. But what I will say that falls under that umbrella is there's also very strong data about family dinner. And in our world, and in a lot of family systems, people have a lot of competing schedules and the idea of having family dinner. Are you nuts? I am not in any way saying it needs to happen every night, if it is like gold star. However, having some sacredness having some having some having some way of saying this night is family dinner night and we honor that and we respect That and that doesn't mean that I have to spend an hour making said family dinner, but that we sat down, and maybe we sat down at, we didn't sit down, maybe we ate at the counter because somebody has to go in 20 minutes. But we came together as a family. And we had that slice of pizza together. And I made eye contact with you. And I had an opportunity to say, this happened to me today. Or, huh, hey, I remember now you or something was gonna You were telling me about so and so what ended up happening was so and so. Having a chance to do that. A it reinforces it the family as a team. And we can we need each other. We need each other so so much. It, it reinforces the idea that I got your back. I got your back. I'm here, even though I'm places I am here. So now. Yeah, that routine. If it's not there. I think that could go a long way towards building your kids emotional health.
Hannah Choi 26:13
Yeah, and I that was something that I heard a lot about, like during the height of the pandemic, when there was a lot of, you know, when we were all stuck at home, that that we ate dinner together. And it was so nice. I heard that from so many people. Yeah. Yeah. And is there anything else you'd like to add about managing transitions and dealing with all the feelings around those?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 26:36
I think we've said it, but it bears repeating that I think it's important to normalize that these transitions are stressful. So the more we can actively say, yep, starting school is right. Like there's parts of it that are really hard. Starting something new is usually hard change is usually hard. We as humans don't usually like to go from one thing to a new thing, like there's an adjustment, there's an adjustment to that the more we can normalize it, there's going to be stress for that there's going to be stress for everybody in the family, not just the kid going to, to school,
Hannah Choi 27:19
you know, the past two years, two and a half years has added a level of stress that maybe now it's not as overt. Right. It's not as in our face now. But the that low level vibration of stress that we are still all feeling whether we are aware of it or not, I imagine makes everything just like a little bit or a lot harder. Yeah. Depending on the person.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 27:48
Oh, I think there's so much yet to come out about all of this. Right. I think there was a book released maybe in the last month, right about the negative impacts educationally academically, which is kind of scathing, it's it's, it's, it's a little brutal. And that I'm sure that's the first of many, what what I'm seeing kids across the board, struggle with it that was always there. But I I you know, in terms of the Android, like you're talking about that little little vibration, so for some it's a low level of vibration, and others it's like it was before the pandemic. And now it's a full fledged problem. Our social skills, yes. Right. And that that covers a whole lot of ground. So I can get more specific about that. Very low lowered distress tolerance. I'm going to define that. As you know, Life is stressful. We wake up in the morning, like, if we're going to get out of bed, we're going to experience some stress. Plain and simple. I don't know if you're familiar with the work of Dr. Lisa Damour.
Hannah Choi 28:59
Oh, yes. I actually have one of her books. I haven't read it yet. But uh, yeah, she's,
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 29:03
I just think she's great. I've had the good fortune of being in an audience, hearing her talk a couple of times, actually. And she's the one who said, you know, like, if you're going to get out of bed in the morning, you're going to experience stress, like that's just a given. But then the body in the mind's capacity then to like, manage that and kind of get on with it and deal with the day is a measure of your tolerance of that stress. And what I'm seeing, I think profoundly, actually, is it doesn't take much, yeah, to feel pretty overwhelmed. Pretty ready to say, yeah, no, I'm not doing that. That's not happening today. I don't want to talk to this person, you know, in a way that it wasn't. It's different. Yeah,
Hannah Choi 29:59
I mean, If my sister and I were just talking recently about how, before the pandemic, like me, I'm an extrovert and I love socializing. I love planning parties, and I love planning a chance to go out with friends or to, you know, connect with other people. And I find it difficult now, which is crazy, because it was something that I craved doing before. And I have to force myself to do now. Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's getting better getting much. Yeah. I had a party this weekend!
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 30:28
Yeah, that does kind of make you go, wow. Like, yeah, yeah. And you don't know what's happening to you. But then, yeah, yeah. The third thing that it saddens me to say it, but I I, and I don't know, honestly, how much of this is truly actually anxiety, but it gets it manifests as cynicism. But that kind of like writing things off? Um, is there's an awareness of the world that I think is like inevitable. Like, I think it just like I don't think there was any way to avoid that and for for our kids and our teens. But I think what what I'm seeing coming with that is a cynicism. That is that is new. And I find that really sad.
Hannah Choi 31:15
Yeah. And how does that manifest like, how do you? What do you see that?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 31:20
I guess maybe a better word, maybe a more clinical word to use was, would be more more hopelessness, more more sense of doom, more sense of like, what's the point? More apathy? Yeah, and that it's heartbreaking. Yeah. That is heartbreaking. Yeah. Yeah.
Hannah Choi 31:40
Yeah. And I suppose the repeated exposure to things not working out? Yes. You know, make sense that Yeah. Start to believe that that's true.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 31:49
Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we've we've lived through a very challenging health crisis, but we have many, many other you know, you know, the, the meme of the the dumpster on fire. Yeah. You know, that we connect with that. And our kids do, too. And I, how then how does how does a kid brain process that? What did you know? When Where did where did they go from there?
Hannah Choi 32:19
I have struggled, well not struggled. But for much of my adult life, I would like to become someone who meditates. It's something that I I like I've read a lot about the science, and I understand why it's good for us. And I have experienced the benefits of it the few times that I have gotten myself to meditate, but I cannot. Yet I have not yet yet. I'm trying to use the
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 32:39
growth mindset, language, open mindset, because I have not
Hannah Choi 32:43
yet built it into a built a practice of it into my life, which I'm sure would help me deal with the fallout of the pandemic. You know, how do you how do you from your perspective, how do you support someone who, you know, is open to trying something does try it and then wants to, you know, feels the benefit of it, and then wants to keep that as a practice that they that they do in their life?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 33:09
Well, if we're talking specifically about, like, a mindfulness or meditation practice, something I really encourage my clients to think about and honestly, myself, right, is that mindfulness doesn't have to be sitting in full lotus on a mat. Being quiet. It can be, it can be, but not everybody's going to gonna do that. And that and that's fine. That's, that's, I don't, I don't think that was anybody's intention, right of kind of, like expanding this idea of, of, of mindfulness and meditation practice. So there's a lot of ways to come at it, that might be more palatable, depending on who you are. Um, so one of the ways I really like to introduce it to people who are like, yeah, that's not me. Because I hear that a lot. And that makes sense. It isn't, yeah, that that particular way that isn't that isn't everybody, um, is the idea of taking something that you do habitually, every day, maybe even multiple times a day and do it slightly differently. So an example of that could be brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, getting out of the shower. Okay, these habitual acts, and I say habitual in very intentionally because it has to be something that you are doing really on autopilot.
HannahChoi 34:45
Yeah, where you don't think you don't think about it.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 34:48
You just do it, and then it's done. And if anybody asks you, how did you do that? You'd be like, I don't know.
Hannah Choi 34:55
I don't know. I just did it.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 34:58
I just do it. So, how do you change it up? So, here's a silly one. You know, like, if you put makeup on, let's say you put on mascara, you start on the on the opposite. Or you hold the one with the other hand. Yeah. Oh God, oh, or you brush your teeth, you brush your teeth, you probably start on the same side. Every time. Don't be stopped and thought about it, you would have to go to a different place.
Hannah Choi 35:31
Okay, okay, or like dry your body off in a different order? Yeah. Ah, okay.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 35:37
Exactly. Exactly. So it's really simple. It's just so so so simple, basic stuff.
Hannah Choi 35:49
And there's that and it works because it makes you bring your attention back to the thing that you're doing. Like, you start to wander off. And then you're like, wait, as I'm drying my arm, I'm drying at this point, when normally I'd be at my leg or whatever.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 36:01
Yeah, yeah. Okay. And thanks for saying that. Because mindfulness again is not about like, Ommmmm
Hannah Choi 36:07
yeah, right.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 36:09
Oh, that's the image we had. Right, right - mindfulness. Really, I think the way I think about a mindfulness practice is that I'm present moment focused. And my, I'm bringing as many of my senses into that present moment as possible. So I'm right here right now. I'm not rehashing the conversation I had before logging in with you. Any more than I'm anticipating the session? I have at one o'clock. Yeah, I'm right here. Yeah, so in my body. I'm in this I'm in this moment. Um, and so again, like did that doesn't have to be this. So yeah. So if I have to think about that, where that towel is, then I'm thinking about my hand. I'm feeling the towel. Right? I am. I'm very aware of what I'm doing right now. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't have to last a long period of time. And every time like you, you're you're very naturally you're our we have monkey brains like we do. They jump around. That's what they do. That doesn't mean we're doing it wrong. It means every time we catch that we have a monkey brain. Every time we realize, Oh, I'm not thinking about toweling myself off anymore. Right. We were mindful. Like success done. Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. You just practice mindfulness. Which I, you know, I, I hope that that approach, that that approach for me when I was taught that way, to me, it was like it totally demystified it and made it like, oh, I can do that.
Hannah Choi 37:59
Right. Right. Yeah. I feel like I'm feeling really, it's funny. This conversation does actually, like, make me feel a little bit a little bit better about my about myself, because I do see it as like a sitting and, and breathing and bringing myself back to my feeling the pressure of my, you know, butt on the floor, whatever. Like they always say, but, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 38:26
No, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, no one is going to argue the value of having a dedicated meditative practice. Yeah, there is. I mean, there is data, it is phenomenal. Actually, it's phenomenal. So I would in no way discourage you from working towards that.
Hannah Choi 38:48
Yes. Right. And that's my point. I guess that's my point is that I am I am going to use the our idea of of switching things up and seeing that and valuing that as mindfulness to see the benefit to help me get to sit and feel my butt on the floor.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 39:07
Yeah. Yeah. I want to add one other really critical piece. Yeah. And that is non judgment.
Hannah Choi 39:16
Yes. Yes.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 39:19
So I think that one gets missed. Because we, we don't do a meditation perfection. We do a meditation practice, right? These philosophies. These ideas are based, right, like a basic tenant of them is that we're present moment focused non judgmentally. So however, I'm showing up whatever's going on however many times I have to catch myself right. Right in in in a 60 minute is 60 seconds. My mind wanders 60 times. Right? Who cares? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. So that's not something that we come to immediately. Right that, that I think, honestly, I think that piece of it is harder. Yeah. Then the redirecting the brain, yeah.
Hannah Choi 40:19
Right. Right. Especially because we get, you know, throughout our lives, we get so many messages that say, we are being judged. You know, we are told that with grades and at work, and, yeah, it's, so separating yourself from that kind of thinking is challenging is really hard, you what you what you just said about how it's not just the pandemic that we've been dealing with, but a whole lot of other really deeply emotional and traumatic events that have happened, you know, for people at and, you know, related directly to the pandemic, like death and illness and long COVID. And then the really sad stuff that's going on, you know, with racism, and, and school shootings, and just, you know, the stress of the government and climate, you know, that that kind of stuff really impacts us as adults, because we are much more cognizant of what's going on, we really, you know, we're aware of it, we are exposed much more directly to it than our children are. But our children can also be exposed to it in ways that we can't regulate, like, we don't know exactly what they're being exposed to and how they're how they're getting the information, like, we know how we're getting it, but we don't know how they're getting it. Yes. So what are some things that we as parents and also as caregivers, because I'm sure there are people listening that are not parents, but they are there they interact with children? And in some way, how do we approach that those interactions in a developmentally appropriate way, in a way that we are comfortable with, and a way that, you know, both supports them meets their needs and protects them at the same time? Sounds pretty daunting to me, I know, as a parent with my own kids, I, it's yeah, it's hard.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 42:13
It is daunting. And what that reminds me of not to go too far off on a tangent, but I do think it's really relevant is, is, you know, we were just talking about this common denominator of living through of living through this pandemic, and how that's been this equalizer in terms of like, it's all something that we can talk about, we've all struggled with it, we've all had our own lives impacted, literally every person, right? So and there's a real opportunity to kind of come together through that in terms of that shared experience. So what that has meant for me as a provider, and where I think this is so relevant than when we're talking about, you know, as a parent, or as an adult, interacting with a kid about these other world events, is having a decent way of like checking in with myself, like, where am I at, with this, and am I regulated. And to be able to have this conversation to be able to kind of step in to this space with this, this person. And at times, having to, you know, being being able to say, while this is really hard for me to talk about, or I haven't quite wrapped my head around where I'm at, with this, I, I'm really sad about this, this really makes me angry, like being able to name what we have as adults, hopefully, as we've got a little more skill in being able to recognize what our own emotional state is, and a little more capacity to be able to verbalize that in an appropriate way. So that's not only like, just like good human behavior, but it's also really good modeling for kids. So I think like, that's got to be our starting place is like, Am I like, Am I okay, enough? If I checked my own ideas about this, have I had an opportunity to process this? And digest it enough that I can, you know, have a conversation about it? Yeah. And if I if I'm not, then do I have time to do that work? Or can I say, Wow, I don't you know, I want to talk about this? This is important and it's really bothering me to like maybe that's like maybe that's enough. I have been really pleasantly surprised but surprised about how much of this content has been coming up for my my kid in particular in high in high school that the vast majority of their knowing is coming from is coming from class. So it's been really like a very personal it's been really used We'll just say, Okay, well tell me about that class discussion, because then I at least I have a, I know where their starting place is. Right. But I think it can be useful to just say that, you know, there might be a lot of other ways of looking at it.
Hannah Choi 45:15
Mm hmm. Yeah. Teaching some of that perspective-taking and
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 45:19
yeah, that's some of that perspective taking, um, and sometimes our kids may have already taken a side on it. And it's, you know, it's worth kind of understanding where where they're at, they might just be really, really activated, they might be really scared. And again, like, that goes back to kind of where we started this whole conversation of like, well, let's, let's focus in on that. What's that emotional piece like, and under showing that understanding and Pat and compassion for, you know, whatever the fear is, it's coming up, or the anger that's coming up, the outrage is coming up.
Hannah Choi 45:55
And that we we have feelings about it too. And we can have different feelings about it, or we can share feelings about Yeah, I think it's such a great opportunity, something that you said, it's made me think that it's conversations around challenging topics, like this is such a great opportunity to teach kids the value of not having black and white thinking, and not even just the value of not doing black and white thinking but how, like how to not think that way. And you reminds me of the conversation that I had with Jackie Wolfman, who is a dialectical behavior therapist. And the whole idea of being able to hold opposite feelings about one thing at the same time. And, and also that extends to relationship with your family, like you might feel differently about something than your child or than your parent, but you can still connect and love each other and right, have a relationship.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 46:59
So another kind of another example of that, in my own in my own household, is my daughter getting a lot of information about about political things, and having very strong opinions, and having classmates with very opposing opinions. And that was an opportunity to to have kind of that dialectical. Right conversation about, you can agree and still be respectful. Yeah, you can agree and actually still like this, you can disagree and actually still like this person?
Hannah Choi 47:33
Yeah. Well, I lived it, because I'm a Red Sox fan. And I married a Yankees fan. So yeah.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 47:42
Well, you're living it every day.
Hannah Choi 47:44
I am, I am. Before we go, can you share with our listeners where they can find you?
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 47:54
Yeah, so I'm physically located in Needham, Massachusetts. So for anyone who's in the in local to me in the metro west Boston area, they can find me at the phone number 617-470-9035. But I also have a lot of digital content and plan on offering more in terms of guaranteeing webinars, anxiety classes and strategies for kiddos. And you can find all that on my website and register for upcoming stuff at www.parentcoach.info. In fact, I've got a in person class for kids called fear busters for kids this Thursday, October 6, and I have a parenting webinar the following day, Friday, October 7. And people literally can log in from anywhere for that. Yeah. So thanks again, Hannah.
Hannah Choi 48:54
Thank you so much, Rachel. Wonderful conversation. I feel like I could talk to you all day. It's really, really interesting.
Rachel Hulstein-Lowe 49:03
Wow, it's been really nice.
Hannah Choi 49:07
And that's our show. For today. We'll be back with more interesting conversations, tips and tricks for improving your executive function skills, and stories of success from people who are working on their own executive function skills. Thank you for being here for our second season and taking time out of your day to listen. If you are enjoying learning about these important topics we cover in each episode of Focus forward, please share it with your friends, and be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. And if you haven't yet, subscribe to the podcast at beyond booksmart.com/podcast. We'll let you know when new episodes drop, and we'll share topics and information related to the topic. You can now find us on Apple podcasts, Google podcasts and Spotify so be sure to add us. Thanks for listening