Isolation Nation - March 20th 2020

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The pod must go on — from our separate homes we keep cup and carry on — on the show this week we bring you the best and brightest brains on COVID19 including Eureka Prize winner Dr. Darren Saunders, comedian Rosie Piper, Dj Dylabolical, hosts Dan Ilic and Lewis Hobba and comedian Bec Melrose drops in to do 5min from her cancelled Melbourne Comedy Festival Show.

(00:00) Preamble.

(01:40) Start.

(02:50) Introductions.

(04:27) Sponsor: Visit the 90's.

(06:22) The 3rd week of Coronarama.

(12:28) Dr. Darren Saunders gives some COVID19 answers.

(26:40) Alan Jones on the Coronavirus

(29:10) Bec Melrose does 5min of her cancelled MICF show.

(35:50) Wrap up

(36:47) News Fighters

Dan Ilic 0:00

Well, before we start, the building committee festival has been cancelled. Lewis actually predicted this the day before they actually cancelled it on our last week's show. I've actually got a clip of you Lewis predicting this. Here it is. Now before we start letting people know that our Melbourne Comedy Festival show Tickets are on sale at this stage. The Melbourne Comedy Festival is still going. Yeah, I mean, what is it? It's currently Thursday evening, I would say we have 12 hours left for you to purchase tickets, feel good about them and then feel the need to return them when the coroner predicted predicted Louis hell but what do you think about that? I mean, obviously, I'm a genius. I see everything. It's palpable tonight. It's Thursday again $60 million. It's gonna be number 37. Touch all your money. I'm 37. Now if you if you get a refund, I should let you know. become one of our subscribers on Patreon. For as little as five bucks a month you can support a rational fear to bring you podcasts and videos. This week. We actually double Our Patreon subscriber limit term to 11. And a big shout out to someone named Margot haba. Who is now donating any relation Louis maga haba hey, yeah, that's my

Lewis Hobba 1:14

mom shout for mom. She's been financially

Dan Ilic 1:18

helping me out since day job. So it's still good to know that she hasn't laid off Thank you, mom. And also, for every patient subscriber who wins will expected like 50% of that to go to restaurant fears pitcher Patreon. Thank you very much, Louis. It's very generous of you. irrational fears are coated on gadigal Land of urination. I pay my respects to elder's past, present and emerging. Let's start the show.

Unknown Speaker 1:42

A rational fear contains naughty words like bricks, camera,

Unknown Speaker 1:48

and gum and section 40 of a rational

Unknown Speaker 1:51

fear recommended listening

Unknown Speaker 1:53

by a mature audience.

Dan Ilic 1:54

Today on irrational fear cuantas is reportedly seeking a government bailout when asked What they did with their recent $5 billion profit, a spokesman suggested it was stuck on the back of the cuantas lounge. The NFL is seeking a bailout from the government claiming that Australia won't be Australia without Rugby League, which is news to people in Western Australia, South Australia Victoria Northern Territory in Tasmania who all said who is rugby lake. Tasmania has shut its border to mainland Australia. On top of a 14 day quarantine people will be deported from the island if they don't test positive to being a close cousin. There's plenty of toilet paper for everyone. This is irrational.

Unknown Speaker 2:38

irrational.

Dan Ilic 2:50

Welcome to irrational fear. Now let's meet our fear mongers tonight billed as one of Australia's premier transgender lesbian Canadians maybe it's rise pifo Hello Hello, in 2019 he was the winner of Australia's most prestigious science prize in 2020. He's shutting down his lab because as it turns out, being good at important work is not valued in Australia. It's Dr. Darren Saunders. Good, I will look I'm fine. And as someone who is pretty good for the apocalypse and as someone who has to live with the uncertainty every day in the cutthroat, chaotic world of US public broadcasting, it's Lewis. Hello. Hello, Dan. Yes, a joy to be here. Not broadcasting. I can't hear anything. It's actually can I say, my my Cynthia virus here and everyone's been working from home. This current setup of a million people speaking from different places, has become the norm. And I feel like I'm just back in high school watching my substitute teacher struggle with the DVD player again. And on the pots and pans, it's DJ diabolical

Unknown Speaker 3:59

now Now I've always stood up the back end being the silent DJ and the whole by Paul Shaffer and I took a global pandemic to get me on the mic. You will probably regret it. Thank you, Dan.

Dan Ilic 4:09

A little later on the show broadcast. Alan Jones shares his view on Corona virus comedian Beck Melrose will be popping by two to five minutes after cancelled Melbourne Comedy Festival show and della balika will deliver us fresh new news fighters. But first, we couldn't do this show without our sponsors. Here's our first sponsor for tonight. Hi,

Unknown Speaker 4:29

I'm unindicted war criminal and foppish former Prime Minister Tony Blair. And I mean, look, these are uncertain times, right? Like 2020 his brothers coronavirus, the climate crisis and married at first sight. And since international travel has been banned, I'm inviting you to take a break and book a journey to somewhere when nothing interesting happens. The 90s I mean, look, you could learn to surf the web with Morgan Freeman.

Unknown Speaker 4:55

Click on Netscape Navigator

Unknown Speaker 4:56

and type in www dot But you thought out the vista.com

Unknown Speaker 5:02

then search for the answer to anything you want. Like why can Kevin Costner do

Unknown Speaker 5:06

an English accent? Or go on a tour of the White House with my good colleague, Bill Clinton. And in this drawer is where I put all the things I want to disappear, lock cigars use tissues and genocide in Rwanda. I've never even heard of that place. Sir. Mr. Epstein's on the phone. Oh,

Unknown Speaker 5:25

excuse me,

Unknown Speaker 5:26

Jeffrey. Hi. Of course, Saturday's great for me. Or you could even visit the set of a television commercial with Donald Trump. I don't even drink vodka. They want me to sell it because I can sell it. Vodka. It's

Unknown Speaker 5:42

fantastic. Believe me, but Oh, hang on a second. Hello. Hello Jeffrey. Jeffrey Epstein. My friend is a billionaire just like me. It's what we have in common. Saturday. I'll be there of course.

Unknown Speaker 5:57

So look, book a ticket to of the 90s when the war on terror was just sparkle in my eye. What has it hasn't finished yet? This month? Oh, good, who? Actually Don't tell me I'll watch it on DVR. So pimp your right to the 90s. Right? a time where if you wanted to enjoy an apocalypse, you have to go to the cinema. How about good deeds?

Unknown Speaker 6:22

Thank you.

Dan Ilic 6:23

This is irrational fear we're into the third week of coronavirus on last week on inside is paid event ensel and tweeted that when tweeted when the CMO into the studio he offered to shake everyone's hand. Later that afternoon the Prime Minister suggested that everyone stop shaking hands which gave us a huge release to everyone who is forced to meet the prime minister and Kobe did a monologue this week from his bath. The NBC today show as Al Roker the weatherman did the weather from his kitchen TV shows are doing shows with that audiences which is nothing new. We did we did it tonight lay all the time the difference is popular shows are seeing their audiences to stay at home and people in the middle Panic buying weed. So my friends, how is the apocalypse treating you so far?

Unknown Speaker 7:05

I think

Unknown Speaker 7:07

people would probably expect it to be worse than it is. Right. But I've been doing some thinking. Because a lot of people think that like comedy is in like a bit of crisis at the moment, right? Like the comedy festivals being cancelled and everything. And that's obviously, you know, a bad thing. But I think like, it's actually going to, sort of, in at least when like, everything kind of blows over in the end, it's actually going to set the comedy community out quite well. And I like I've been talking to a lot of comedians and whatnot. I've just got like a sort of like a list of things he that I'd like love to go through. Sort of like, tell everyone, what, what sort of good, good stuff we've got to look forward to right. So like, at least while we're all like self isolating, socially distancing and whatnot right now. There's a Everybody is being pushed to like the podcasting world, right?

Dan Ilic 8:04

Unfortunately, yeah, this is how we do it. We were unfortunately having to make a podcast over Google Hangouts. It's very shoddy.

Unknown Speaker 8:11

Yeah. Well, I think there's gonna be a lot more of that right and like obviously like, that's a great thing because all we want is a lot more straight white men telling us which movies we need to watch right? So I've talked to like a few people who have got some like podcasts in the in the works and I just want to go through some of them right now. So I've heard there's there's one coming up was called Mighty Morphin Power recap, right? Which is a it's two middle aged white men just sort of watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers episode by episode and going through that and I can only imagine that that is going to be some truly interesting content. Another one that is come through my my friends podcast, you should go to the fuck are you looking at again, middle aged males Come on there and discuss all the best fights that they've gotten into over their, over their lifetime. So that's a pretty good one is there's also one called, we'll just tell you a mother, we ate it all, which is essentially it's two white males and a trans woman who watched sort of that American Pie style teen sex comedies every week and discuss those and I know you're thinking that doesn't sound like it has any legs at all. It couldn't even have 100 episodes. It didn't celebrate that today. Please listen, please listen.

Dan Ilic 9:30

Is this is this your podcast? Right?

Unknown Speaker 9:33

Oh, no, it's certainly not mine. No, I don't know he's talking about I don't have any involvement in that podcast at all. Please listen. We really need it. Please listen,

Unknown Speaker 9:41

this there's certainly going to be a lot of time for binge watching. So I see those podcasts going well, I'm just not sure about the restaurant review and travel podcasts how they're gonna car living,

Unknown Speaker 9:51

may not suddenly gonna suffer. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 9:56

I think what it's gonna come down to is a lot of kind of reminiscing style. ones another one that I've heard of, sort of in the vein of in the vein of guys we fuck these chicks we've routed so I'm sure there'll be quite a lot of tasteful material covered in in that podcast yeah or

Unknown Speaker 10:12

remember what toilet paper was or what was food

Unknown Speaker 10:17

Yeah, that was that was actually quite a good thing I haven't posted I wait I wait I might move out today and left behind or who gives a crap toilet paper so we are set

Dan Ilic 10:26

oh my god that is my leaving behind gold.

Unknown Speaker 10:29

Yeah, I was surprised except

Dan Ilic 10:31

you can watch your mom with it.

Unknown Speaker 10:34

You can watch it on with gold if you try hard enough.

Unknown Speaker 10:36

Yeah, probably get to that point.

Dan Ilic 10:38

I think it's a it's a rough endorsement if someone facing a period of potential quarantine with housemates is moving out right now. Like I don't want to spend two weeks with you specifically. Thanks not even two weeks. It's like It's like people would really have to be bunkering down for if month so I pick people that are saying the next five months are going to be awful in this house if I don't move. It's gonna be a real test, particularly if you live in a share house. I think a lot of people are talking about the the rate of babies going up in nine months after this, but I think people are gonna start talking about the rate of divorces going out.

Unknown Speaker 11:20

Statistically divorces have gone up in China because of the all the all the isolation. Well, really well. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's it's already in this in the stats.

Unknown Speaker 11:30

Yeah, that's the biggest problem actually. Yeah. Well, Darren, what's your

Unknown Speaker 11:34

best shot his biggest problem?

Dan Ilic 11:36

Darren, what are you saying? What are you predicting will happen in five months time?

Unknown Speaker 11:40

Ah, look, I think I just want to point out that I think I was way ahead of the curve. I'm shutting down my lab because unless you're building covert test kits or vaccines, everyone's shutting down their lab. So that turned out to be quite prescient, actually. I'm just yeah, I'm, it's where are we gonna be in five months time? Well, I think the world's gonna look really different. I hate to be really heavy about that, but I think actually, you know, to put a positive slant on it, I reckon we're gonna come out the other side of much better society and a much better community. I think we're getting a really good reminder of what's actually important in life. And I think that's a good that's a good thing to hang on to. As we go into as we go into pastor it's definitely a good thing to hang on to. I've been eating I've been eating types of pasta and rice I never even knew existed this week.

Unknown Speaker 12:23

First time in about five years.

Dan Ilic 12:27

Darren, it's great to have you on the podcast because we're not experts at all. But you know, you are an expert. You are a doctor now a professor. So can you tell us I'm sure people were turning to you for all kinds of scientific advice because your head is often on the television. Often your voices often on the radio as a as a communicator of science. What are the kinds of questions I thought maybe I could ask you to collect a bunch of questions that people have been asking you and maybe you could quiz us tonight on the answers and so we'll we'll try and provide With the answers, and then you can tell us whether we're right or wrong.

Dr. Darren Saunder 13:02

Oh, this is perfect. I've got more questions than I can answer so I can feed these back to people this will be excellent. I reckon the good ones will lead off with is what? What's the effect of what bushfire smoke we all breathe in for months and months and months on what's going to happen? We've covered infection.

Dan Ilic 13:20

Your lungs will taste like smoked salmon.

Unknown Speaker 13:26

Fewer koalas are alive to die.

Unknown Speaker 13:30

That's a positive shadow that koalas can get covered up? That's a good question.

Unknown Speaker 13:33

Let's find out why I gave I gave them chlamydia.

Rose Piper 13:39

I think in effect it will have is because we were all told that we were breathing, whatever it was, like 37 dots a day or something like that. But now the economic downturn is probably going to cause some people to stop smoking. So it was like kind of getting your fixing before you before you quit, you know?

Unknown Speaker 13:57

Yeah, yeah, it's not not a bad way to look at it.

Dan Ilic 14:00

actually did buy a facemask during the bush fires that turned out to be quite handy in the long run

Unknown Speaker 14:06

ahead of the curve again,

Unknown Speaker 14:07

yeah, you're like Nostradamus

Dan Ilic 14:13

Listen to me more. But what what do you think Dan? What do you think the the ramifications of breathing in that bushfires mega?

Unknown Speaker 14:21

The actual answer is we probably don't know the guests or the hypothesis would be that we're probably a little bit more susceptible to infection all that smoke has been damaging our lungs the whole time we bring breathing it in and it's probably making us a little bit more susceptible to the infection as for having fictional play out in people had to say so it's not a good news story. That one.

Dan Ilic 14:41

There was such a weird point in kind of time where the smoke you couldn't really avoid it anywhere like you like with the corona virus. I feel like you can probably do if you don't have it, you can probably do your best to not have it for a long time. But the smoke was just so unavoidable because you couldn't really escape to any place that didn't have it.

Unknown Speaker 15:01

Yeah at one point I was sharing it the water tank where I was staying actually got permeated with smoke. It was like sharing scotch. It was not pleasant.

Unknown Speaker 15:10

Yeah, it sounds pretty good. It's not you

Dan Ilic 15:14

could you could you could sell that at a Gwyneth Paltrow resort. Out showering genuine Australian bush is a $300 so I'm just gonna make a note of that. That's actually pretty good. What's your next question? Derek? All right, next question was

Unknown Speaker 15:32

what is going to happen to everyone that's swimming and can we swimming pools? Can we swim in the ocean and avoid covert

Dan Ilic 15:39

thought calls? Were a no no rush think the ocean should be fine, right?

Unknown Speaker 15:43

I hope the ocean is fine.

Dan Ilic 15:45

That's my thought to my thought is that the ocean is antibacterial. Every

Unknown Speaker 15:53

interesting one isn't the ocean. Nobody knows the ocean. The sunlight kills a lot of germs. But if probably want to kill the viruses. But

Dan Ilic 16:03

before you go on are the answers to all your question is nobody knows. There's a lot of

Unknown Speaker 16:11

things that we're all getting it right.

Dan Ilic 16:13

It's good. All right, great. What's the next question?

Unknown Speaker 16:17

When are we gonna have a vaccine?

Dan Ilic 16:20

I got this one. I got this one. I got this one. Nobody knows.

Unknown Speaker 16:25

Louis, what do you think?

Unknown Speaker 16:26

I would have said, Yeah, nobody knows. Dan is one of the few things we do we actually don't know.

Unknown Speaker 16:34

I'm gonna I'm gonna get confident and

Unknown Speaker 16:36

get on the front foot and say within a month.

Unknown Speaker 16:38

Damn. Oh, that's a big goal. Wow.

Unknown Speaker 16:42

I was actually hoping that Louis would say that because then it would happen. Oh, that's not

Unknown Speaker 16:49

to say that I'm afraid.

Unknown Speaker 16:53

So this one I picked deliberately because I can't actually answer this one. This is ah,

Unknown Speaker 16:58

so I don't know if you saw Yes, I think it was yes. Today

Unknown Speaker 17:00

the very first human guinea pigs patients got the first test doses of one of the new vaccines. So

Unknown Speaker 17:07

where were they? Where can we get it from?

Unknown Speaker 17:10

Woollies? I think I think Trump's bought it already. Probably. That's what

Unknown Speaker 17:13

he tried to he tried to buy one of the German companies.

Dan Ilic 17:16

So where were they doing where who got

Unknown Speaker 17:18

the first vaccine? Why don't we find out? I believe they were in Europe. I could be wrong. I don't remember precisely. We've got a we got a vaccine in development in Australia that's been in animals now. So it's almost ready to test in humans. And then the trick is making enough for hundreds of millions of people that that will take a few months at least.

Dan Ilic 17:36

Right. Is that when you're gonna start your lab again, that's the that's the plan.

Unknown Speaker 17:40

We're just gearing up for that. Now.

Dan Ilic 17:42

Do you have another question for us about 19? just mash misconceptions.

Unknown Speaker 17:46

Oh, look, here's the one. Here's the question of the day or the question of the week is, why haven't they shot schools yet?

Unknown Speaker 17:53

Why haven't they shot the schools yet? That's the one that's on everyone's lips around here. Why haven't they shot the schools yet?

Dan Ilic 17:58

Because people need To know about white history and forget about colonialism. That's why schools Yeah, this time, the white man fixes everything. That is why they haven't shut the schools yet.

Unknown Speaker 18:09

There's probably too many decision makers in there who've just had the kids get to school age who have gone I'm not fucking taking them back in the house now. I feel

Unknown Speaker 18:18

like

Dan Ilic 18:20

it is consistent with like this government's long term war against teachers, namely that it's hoping that instead of having to underpaid them, though, they can just get what?

Unknown Speaker 18:42

destination crook?

Unknown Speaker 18:44

Yeah. It's funny. Remembering the value of all of these kind of jobs like nurses and teachers, right.

Dan Ilic 18:50

What is what is it Darren, I mean, you're someone who's seen the brunt of this kind of attitude from our government that there seems to be a dislike or distrust of expertise of really smart people who know things. Why is it that this government does have all got this government? Not in this not it's not particularly this government coming through all around the world? Yeah, have a have a distaste and a distrust of people with expertise and doing everything they can to seemingly defund them and get rid of them. I think

Unknown Speaker 19:22

the brutal truth of that is because they delivered some uncomfortable facts and truth to them that didn't suit their sort of political ends. And so they undermine them as much as they could, you know, people have been profiteering politically and financially for years of undermining facts and truth.

Dan Ilic 19:38

But getting rid of like that getting rid of like the pandemic unit for the CDC in America seems like a completely counterintuitive act,

Unknown Speaker 19:48

given that we're just they're just sitting around doing nothing. It's just

Dan Ilic 19:52

wasting money, and then we can get them back. We want them we know where they are. We can get them back whenever we want.

Unknown Speaker 20:00

No like firemen, they just sit around all day doing nothing get rid of them.

Unknown Speaker 20:03

Most medicine?

Dan Ilic 20:05

Do you honestly think Darren that that is like that is the motive like it's it is purely, you're you're delivering information that is too dangerous for us politically to even have.

Unknown Speaker 20:14

But I think well, you're probably I mean, if you look at the climate change, the climate change is an obvious one, you know, that's where it seems to be the lightning rod for this sort of approach of denying truth, or whatever you want to call it. And it was literally that there were some really rich people and big companies that were, you know, their profits are under threat, and they've spent a lot of money trying to prop up those profits by sitting down, you know, we saw the tobacco companies do it before them and then and then what's happened is the political parties have all figured out that that's a really good way of getting hold of power is to is to take that approach, you know, and I think that that's fine when the threat is just as existential as the as the coronavirus, but it's, you know, 20 or 40 years down the road and suddenly that model doesn't work when the threat is very real and very now, huh?

Dan Ilic 20:56

Well, here are some good things about Kovac 19. There has been a huge reduction in co2 emissions up to 10%. In some countries, because of the ban on cruise ships, the Venice canals have become extremely clear and you can see to the bottom bottom of them without pollution and sediment. And another good thing about the Cova 19 is that your revision has been cancelled for this year. So no Eurovision what are the good things have we seen out there because it covered 19 do you think

Unknown Speaker 21:25

a lot of videos of penguins loose in zoos looking at the fish for them all sounds pretty good.

Unknown Speaker 21:32

I think my favourite good news story was the directive from ISIS that came out through the way

Unknown Speaker 21:41

ISIS put out a press release banning the

Unknown Speaker 21:47

suicide bombers from going to Europe because obviously, you know, Venice, probably beautiful but you know, even all h&s sit up today. They've ended it. If terrorists you go into Europe

Unknown Speaker 22:03

you don't want to you know, blow off a building while you're feeling a bit snotty in the nose there

Unknown Speaker 22:10

is a one way ticket surely I don't quite know what they're saying.

Unknown Speaker 22:16

And then I believe the the mayor of Baltimore has ordered everyone to stop shooting each other so they can. So they can create rooms for in the hospitals for covered victims. So I think they'll be a massive downturn in street violence until we run out of toilet paper and then there'll be a massive upturn in street violence.

Dan Ilic 22:37

Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been making great content from his home he's been advocating for social distancing you may have seen earlier in the week him feeding his ponies inside his home. Here is one of him sitting in a sitting in a in a hot tub, smoking a cigar giving some very good advice.

Unknown Speaker 22:55

I just finished a bike ride and a little bit of workout and I just didn't keep staying at home all the way from the crowd and away from outside. The reason why I'm saying that is because I still see photographs and videos of people sitting outside compares all over the world and having a good time and hanging out in crowds. That is not wise, because that's how you can get the virus. That's how you get it, like contact with other people. So stay away from crowds stay away from being in restaurants and outdoor cafes, especially now it's springtime, all the kids are going to the beach and celebrate and drink and all that stuff. This is not a good idea to stay away from the crowd, go home, and then we can overcome this whole problem. This whole virus in no time, but you got to go and follow those orders. Just remember, stay at home. Don't go go to crowds, but they took it down.

Dan Ilic 23:55

Think he's been incredibly responsible. He is the most responsible vendor out there. I've been trying to tell my mom to stay away from her church and stop going to the shops. But she just ignores me She completely says she says, you young people are too worried we're at church and we're not coughing over each other. The upside of that is I can say my inheritance will be coming a little bit earlier than I expected, but it's silver linings, a silver lining, how do we convince how do we convince our parents that they should be staying home kalon that there's a property that they can buy inside their already existing property?

Unknown Speaker 24:33

negatively?

Unknown Speaker 24:38

Many negatively,

Unknown Speaker 24:41

that it just sort of folds in on itself, and then they'll never leave. They'll always be searching for that next property that we can't have

Unknown Speaker 24:49

a good excuse for them to be more xenophobic, because then they can blame someone for them. Having to be

Dan Ilic 24:57

I hate to tell this story, but my mom, you very quietly xenophobic. whenever she's telling anecdotes she will dip her voice whenever she has to name the race of the person in the anecdote so she'll be like, and then at the shops I saw, man and he just went. Well, that's nice Alicia, Alicia blunting is xenophobia.

Unknown Speaker 25:18

My mom went from complete and utter coronavirus denial to full blown prepper in 24 hours. So I had a quiet word to use.

Unknown Speaker 25:26

What was the turning point? Because I'm curious. Yeah. Cuz a lot of Berman's like everything's fine. And then they turn what was the feed for them?

Unknown Speaker 25:32

I pointed out she was letting me down. You know, I was going on TV and radio and telling everybody all this stuff. And she was basically making me look like a fool for ignoring me. And, you know, no mom wants to embarrass this unlike that. I was talking to a girl and she's gone from, you know, you need to teach the kids how to grow their own food they need to know how to so she went right back to full on 1930s self sustaining skills. Can she talk to my mom, we can swap numbers.

Unknown Speaker 25:57

I think the main thing the responsibility for all of us to do Is share our netflix possible with our parents.

Unknown Speaker 26:05

My mom the shares with me.

Dan Ilic 26:10

I'm just trying to do as many irrational fear podcasts as we can because I know as a passionate subscriber, we make a lot of money. We'll just keep listening and you'll never be able to leave the house. Thank you, Margot harbour. Thank you very much. A little later on comedian back Melrose will join us to do a type five from her cancelled Melbourne Comedy Festival shot. But I don't know if you heard this. Earlier this week. Alan Jones compared the corona virus to climate change claiming it was a high experimentally yesterday and clarified a few things. Good morning everyone. A lot of people have suggested to me that I'm not taking Corona virus seriously enough by comparing it to the hopes of climate change. Oh, God. Well, let me tell you Cova 19 as they're calling it, that some sort of scientist or something Ah God, nerds. kovat 19 is a hoax much like carbon dioxide. I haven't seen it with my own eyes so it doesn't exist. And my eyesight is very good, like posted on the door on the other side of my Southern Highlands studio where I'm broadcasting from for the next six months for no reason in particular, I could read a sign that says warning stay 1.5 metres away from this door. Nothing to do with coronavirus I've just got to keep the home studio sounding crystal clear. Don't want some sort of goose coming in here squawking at me, and I'm not talking about any easy God. Now my good friend Scott Morrison has just told me you must stop panic buying it's clearly an Australian Well let me tell you something. He got something wrong there. The only thing you should be panic buying is my new album, Alan Jones's songs for a life of isolation. Got me Alan Jones singing all of your favourites like oh bye bye

Unknown Speaker 28:00

Don't want to pay Oh

Unknown Speaker 28:07

give us a call the open line

Unknown Speaker 28:10

wonderful. Don't forget that classic don't don't

Unknown Speaker 28:16

don't sketch show close to me. And how about a cheeky Jewett? You give me feed

Unknown Speaker 28:25

when you kiss me fever when you hold me tight

Unknown Speaker 28:32

in the morning fever all throughout

Unknown Speaker 28:35

the night taken away Anthony Kalia

Dan Ilic 28:38

god what a voice wait till you hear him sing our water voice. We had to do it on Skype but still you get the idea so don't believe what you read. There is no Corona virus. If you can't see it, it doesn't exist a bit like the Bledisloe Cup. I've never seen it so we've never lost it. All ballad joads Alan Jones there.

Unknown Speaker 28:58

That's right. I haven't I haven't been travelling work for a few weeks but I feel like I just had a nice taxi ride to the airport. That was fantastic.

Dan Ilic 29:04

irrational fear and I haven't touched my face in weeks and weeks since the Melbourne International Comedy Festival has been cancelled I thought wouldn't be great to get some of our comedy Friends of the show to come and do their best tight five from the cancel shows that they can't perform in Melbourne and coronavirus is really knocked that right out of the park. Now we have to do it on Google Hangouts, but we're going to try it anyway. I thought we'd get back Melrose to give it a go since she's gonna be on the show on irrational fear next week, I thought what better way to get her to come on the show but do a bit of a warm up by doing her best High Five from her cats of Melbourne, Melbourne Comedy Festival show. So ladies and gentlemen without any further ado back Mel rose.

Unknown Speaker 29:51

Hello are legends. How are we doing?

Dan Ilic 29:53

Yeah, well.

Unknown Speaker 29:55

Good, good.

Unknown Speaker 29:57

Nice crowd work.

Unknown Speaker 30:01

What I do for a living?

Unknown Speaker 30:03

I thought I do. I'm the top five of my office gear because some I thought I wrote that thinking it'd be evergreen and I'd be able to use it forever, but we don't have offices anymore. So I might as well give it a run.

Unknown Speaker 30:17

Please come straight from work. Give us a word. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 30:23

that's all right. Don't worry.

Unknown Speaker 30:25

What's blocked isn't it? I've just started working in an office so my zest for life is draining faster than the Murray Darling I can assure you No one's talking to one another like human beings in the office. There's all this jargon and buzzwords and shit that get in the white. My favourite one they use it my work is as per my last email. Have we heard this?

Unknown Speaker 30:49

A power move. As per my last email. It's the closest you can get to saying Fuck off. You grow up at work, isn't it?

Unknown Speaker 31:00

As per my last name I haven't got the confidence to use as per my last name I like 50 Bernie brown TED Talks short of the conference it takes to use as per my last email but there's so much of this bizarre language at work I kept hearing my boss say well why don't you give that project to back she's got capacity but once we got one over the back she's got capacity pass that over the back she's got capacity

Unknown Speaker 31:25

to fucking Tupperware container

Unknown Speaker 31:28

absolutely ridiculous. And everyone works worried about AI taking their jobs robots taking our jobs. I'm not that worried yet. I've seen the test online to prove you're not a robot. I reckon it's I can't check a box. So pick out a bridge in a lineup. I don't reckon they'll be coming for our jobs anytime soon. But even when they do, like my job, I don't give a shit. Let's see you try and machine learn your way through the social obstacle course. passive aggressive If kitchen signs we did set in my office had a sign above another sign that said read the sign.

Unknown Speaker 32:11

Never mind a robot that shit would short circuit a robot.

Unknown Speaker 32:16

We are decades away from developing the kind of technology that's going to be able to definitely navigate pretending to give a fuck about nails weekend's No, but we can do the same argument about I don't mean that it's going to save us so much time. So what we're just going to find more bullshit to fill the time with anyway. All the time we saved not having to turn our own butter that bought a training time just dissolved in extra weeks in a single generation. But my boss has been trying to get in a roll up but my work amongst a spate of redundancies and he kept trying to get us to do a sweep for the last races and no one was ever came. And I felt kind of sorry for him. So All right, so I printed out photos of everyone in the office and put us all into a little bowl. You're about to pick someone out.

Unknown Speaker 33:08

Now we just have to wait and see who gets the next redundancy.

Unknown Speaker 33:13

Someone's gone home with a hammer. Someone's kids aren't going to Disneyland this year. But we'll pull it ourselves a glass of yellow and we filed into the boardroom watch the real race unfold. It's a beautiful day for it. The race it stops a nation the crow's nest regional office redundancy cop. Janet from accounts is playing up in the barriers and what do you know what Alan the it lead made it to the start after having every Monday off for the last financial quarter.

Unknown Speaker 33:45

It is a miracle.

Unknown Speaker 33:48

They're all in. The lights are on set.

Unknown Speaker 33:52

Racing in the crow's nest regional office redundancy copy combo from comms is started strong closely followed by as per my last email Do you have five for a quick chat and Kathleen What do you even do? They round the corner and who called the unions coming down the outside buffeted by clearly the intern mansplain Mark has midfield on the rails just behind no before I've had my coffee and that's sort of my job description. Coming down the street is unsolicited neck massage on med KPI and some pre k my sandwich. Just a quick one for years going steady. Peter from risk is yelling, but nobody's listening. Hop ahead to For God's sake. Rob, why do you have the microwave? Oh, we've had a fall. It's clearly the intern. Clearly the interns broken down at the 650 and Neil says millennials just can't hack it in the workplace off the road. Deborah the gender and diversity lady is going strong having a renaissance in relevance off to some dodgy comments were made at the Christmas party. Janet from accounts hasn't wasted energy on a single smile as they had for him and he called the union's out in front of Monday morning small talk common from concert Oh, good birthday song. But he comes accidental reply Oh, accidental reply. Oh, Challenge by Rich Craig left jr in the lunchroom 350 to go in the crow's nest regional office, redundancy kaput, it's over called the union number called the union. Kathleen What do you even do and get fucked at smartcard, but who's this coming down the outside? It's the favourite wrench reparations is the line down the outside. He's not going anywhere. He plays tennis with the chairman. He's utterly useless and he's here to stay at wrench taking out the crow's nest regional office redundancy cop. hoffa had to wake on fire the CEO and a further third between should have stayed in Union I'm useless but the director is my uncle.

Unknown Speaker 35:34

Thanks, guys. Thanks very much. My I lost my job but I did want a hand.

Dan Ilic 35:41

You can't say back Melrose at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival tickets are not on sale now. Well, we're gonna be back weekly with irrational fear since our Comedy Festival show isn't going so please hit us up on Patreon give us a few bucks a month. Also FBI Radio where we normally record this needs your help. So please go to FBI radio.com for slash donate and give them a few bucks particularly if you live in Sydney and you love independent radio and and great music Special thanks to this episode to Rupert de gas Jacob Brown, FBI radio, Darren Saunders Lewis haba, Rose Piper, Dillon, Bain and the wonderful Beck Melrose.

Unknown Speaker 36:25

News guys.

Dan Ilic 36:27

Thanks so much. We'll leave you with the latest news fighters on the coronavirus Dylan Do you want to introduce it?

Unknown Speaker 36:34

Sorry coronavirus I actually did it on the NBA March Madness. No one I haven't haven't.

Unknown Speaker 36:44

What's coronavirus?

Unknown Speaker 36:47

This is new spiders.

Unknown Speaker 36:52

So you don't have to. One of the

Unknown Speaker 36:54

great things about the current age of having internet and social media is being able to watch your favourite celebrity breakdown over the corona virus pandemic in real time. sama handling it better than others he is rapid kadhi Bay who had her to a cancelled

Unknown Speaker 37:09

guess why because Corona Corona virus is this

Unknown Speaker 37:19

Corona virus shake on me like a couple of weeks after she was gonna be a couple of months after she let me know soccer star motherfucking backing up all foods a man clear so a bass can move to motherfucking Antarctica which once again cardi Bay the voice of reason in an age of confusion. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger is living his best life hanging out at home with Danny DeVito. Oh, no, wait, sorry. That's a miniature horse.

Unknown Speaker 37:45

Luna loves carrots. Whiskey loves carrots. I just said my little bitter vegan food. Oh, that was yummy. Hmm. I just had a fantastic broker that the house amount, Jim.

Unknown Speaker 37:58

Yeah, I am at home. Take Michiko Both hills stoeger

Unknown Speaker 38:05

finished a bike ride and a little bit of workout and I just you know keep staying at home.

Unknown Speaker 38:10

Yes Do like on a stay at home, but maybe don't smoke a cigar I think we might need your lungs to be as healthy as possible. Meanwhile, Michael Stipe from REM isn't coping too well. It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel stop trying to help Michael Stipe And don't you dare pivot to that shiny happy people bullshit either. We need you to stay calm in this time of crisis. Now a lot of musicians are getting in on holding online quarantine concepts, including Chris Martin of Coldplay whose music is like coronavirus for your ears.

Unknown Speaker 38:49

They were Oh

Unknown Speaker 38:52

look, I'm not trying to say that keyboard sounded bad but geez I think the audio is better on Keyboard Cat Just when things couldn't look any worse, Willie Nelson son Lucas hates us about the years with the biggest cliche he could reach for.

Unknown Speaker 39:22

Now look, if any government out there is listening Scott Morrison Trump bars Angela Merkel, the UN who I don't care, please Institute an immediate indefinite ban on performances of hallelujah. This is actually a policy I've been pushing for years long before Corona virus but this is the time we can make it happen. Meanwhile, Aussies returning home from overseas are going to be facing two weeks of self isolation. And most of them seem to be handling it pretty well. Yeah, just gonna lock myself in and just have some kinds for kotlin eyes.

Unknown Speaker 39:53

You're gonna spend the next two weeks again thanks

Unknown Speaker 40:04

Okay, that's news five is an irrational fear to listen to the full episode, subscribe to news fighters on your podcasting app or check us out at news fighters calm. I'm Dylan Bane. Keep washing your hands and bye for now.

Unknown Speaker 40:16

This is News spiders where we find the news. So you don't have to

Transcribed by https://otter.ai