The Mark Groves Podcast #508: Saving Them Won't Save You
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Apr 20, 2026 A deep look at why we keep repeating toxic relationship patterns and how childhood attachment wounds set the script for who we’re drawn to. The fixer/problem dance and why being needed can masquerade as love are unpacked. Practical checks on pace, boundaries, nervous-system tools, and the call to grieve old harm instead of defending abusers are highlighted.
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Why We Choose The Person Who Needs Fixing
- People repeatedly enter relationships with liars or manipulators because childhood attachment wounds create a familiar pattern of seeking someone who needs fixing.
- Mark Groves explains the dynamic as a 'problem' person and a 'fixer' person, rooted in unmet parental attunement and survival strategies.
Fixing Others Becomes Your Identity
- Fixers get significance by solving others' problems, so they unconsciously need someone to be broken to feel valuable.
- When the 'problem' heals (eg gets sober), the fixer loses their role and must face their own issues, forcing real change.
How Manipulators Present As The Wounded Party
- Narcissists or manipulators present as wounded to hook fixers, exploiting their survival strategies rather than truly seeking help.
- Mark highlights this as a deeper deception: the exploiter leverages the giver's wound to secure control and attention.
