You Are Not a Failure; Guilt vs Shame

Hey Team!

This week I've got Cate Osborn and Erik Gude on the show. Cate, known online as Catieosaurus, holds an M.Ed and uses her background in research and sex education to help neurodivergent folks navigate relationships and communication. Erik, known online as HeyGude, is an advocate and speaker who uses his platform to destigmatize the messy internal monologue of the ADHD brain. Honestly, it almost feels like I don't need to introduce these two given everything they've produced; they are definitely an online powerhouses. I've been a fan of their podcast, Catie and Erik's Infinite Quest: An ADHD Adventure, for quite a while now. So I imagine you've probably seen at least something from them.

And they've spent the last few years distilling their combined experiences into a new book designed to act as a foundational knowledge base for neurodivergent adults. The book The ADHD Field Guide for Adults was a ton of fun to read; it's written in an incredibly ADHD-friendly manner, and I really appreciated the approach, making this a book for adults where I don't feel like I'm being talked down to. So in the episode, we're definitely talking about the book, but we go into a ton of different topics. We talk about the "systems-first" approach to ADHD management. We break down the precision of language and why understanding that distinction matters. And a whole lot more, there's just a ton of stuff in this episode.

Check out The ADHD Field Guide for Adults which is available in hardcover, e-book, and as an audiobook narrated by the authors Cate and Erik.

Visit Catieosaurus.com for information on Cate's national tour, "Wildly Unprepared," and upcoming book signing events.

If you'd life to follow along on the show notes page you can find that at HackingYourADHD.com/279

YouTube: https://tinyurl.com/y835cnrk

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/HackingYourADHD

This Episode's Top Tips

1. 1. Understand the difference between shame (a fixed belief about who you are) and guilt (a feeling about what you did). Shame is an unchangeable dead end, but guilt is a "window for change" that allows you to acknowledge a behavior, such as being late or having a messy car, without condemning your entire identity.
   2. Recognize that "defeat" is often more comfortable than "failure" because defeat asks nothing of you; it simply means the game is over. Overcoming ADHD difficulties requires a healthy relationship with failure. Try viewing failure as a data point for "dissecting the system" rather than a reason to just stop trying.
   3. Many ADHD systems fail because they are built to satisfy "residual gook" from childhood. We often have internalized rules about how things "should" be done, like folding socks or separating silverware that have no basis beyond that it's just how we've always done it. Audit your tasks to see if you actually care about the result; if you don't, dismantling the expectation (like using bins instead of folding laundry) can remove the cognitive load of a performance you don't actually value.