Ask Rachel anything
Remember those years when your child followed you everywhere, and gazed at you with adoring eyes because you knew everything? Have they now turned into a teenager who simply grunts, or screams at you, when they occasionally emerge from their bedroom?
Changes in a teenage brain help them to develop abstract thinking and self-reflection but they also make them hyper-critical and keen to develop emotional distance so they can practice life without you around.
What to do: Daniel Siegel says we need to teach them to have reflective conversations:
- Numerous brain studies show that when we do this (either with someone else or in our own heads) it stimulates the integration of the prefrontal cortex where planning and problem solving takes place, and allows us to tune into others ie empathy.
How to do it: JoAnn Deak - Girls will be girls.
- Don’t assume or jump in straight away.
- Don’t move straight to the fix-it mode.
- Help them to explore what they’re saying.
- Leave some grey areas.
- Discuss strategies for action. Don't overreact. Once you’re in the strategy phase that’s when your knowledge can help inform the teenager’s decisions.
- Don’t be afraid to provide your moral/philosophical bottom line. There are so many grey areas it can be a relief to know there are some black and white’s.
Techniques: Parent Gym based on how to talk so your kids will listen.
- Super silence and active listening.
When to do it?
- Try to develop regular non-crisis moments where conversations can happen. Saying goodnight, car journeys, meal-times, fixing their bike.
- Listen to the news together to start a discussion. Get them to entertain you. What’s the gossip? What are you reading? What have you been watching? What’s your favourite music at the moment? Take a genuine interest in their answers.
Books, and materials, we've referenced:
- Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel
- How to talk so your Kids will listen; How to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- Girls will be girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters by JoAnn Deak
- Parent Gym coaching materials
Tangling with your teenager
Helen wrote 'My sixteen year old is dating and says he’s in love. What do I do if he brings her home and wants her to stay the night? Do I put them in the same room, or separate them?'
ISSUES:
- Explore your own feelings about it, and why? Convey them to your child.
- Talk to the other parents to find out how they feel about it. If they aren’t happy, talk to the son about what his alternatives
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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
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You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk
