Parish notices and Private Eye Colemanballs

John Murray, Ian Dennis & Ali Bruce-Ball talk football, travel & language. They look ahead to what could be a landmark weekend for James Milner and get correspondence from a couple who listen to TCV in bed. Plus unintended pub and film names, Clash of the Commentators and the Great Glossary of Football Commentary. Suggestions and questions always welcome on WhatsApp voicenotes to 08000 289 369 & emails to TCV@bbc.co.uk

01:10 Private Eye Colemanballs 02:30 John Murray caught in the wild 05:35 Commentaries this weekend 10:10 Owners and fans pulling in different directions? 12:20 James Milner in for landmark weekend? 17:25 TCV pillowtalk 21:15 John’s surprise greeting 24:15 Unintended pub names 29:30 Clash of the Commentators 38:20 Great Glossary of Football Commentary 50:45 How to keep a dead game interesting

5 Live / BBC Sounds commentaries: Sat 1500 Arsenal v Sunderland, Sat 1500 Bournemouth v Villa on Sports Extra, Sat 1730 Newcastle v Brentford, Sun 1400 Brighton v Palace, Sun 1630 Liverpool v Man City.

Great Glossary of Football Commentary: DIVISION ONE 2-0 can be a dangerous score, Agricultural challenge, Back of the net, Back to square one, Bosman, Bullet header, Cruyff Turn, Cultured/educated left foot, Dead-ball specialist, Draught excluder, Elastico/flip-flap, False nine, Fox in the box, Giving the goalkeeper the eyes, Grub hunter, Head tennis, Hibs it, In a good moment, In behind, Magic of the FA Cup, Middle of the park, The Maradona, Off their line, Olimpico, Onion bag, Panenka, Park the bus, Perfect hat-trick, Rabona, Roy of the Rovers stuff, Schmeichel-style, Scorpion kick, Spursy, Stick it in the mixer, Target man, Tiki-taka, Towering header, Trivela, Where the kookaburra sleeps, Where the owl sleeps, Where the spiders sleep.

DIVISION TWO Back on the grass, Ball stays hit, Beaten all ends up, Blaze over the bar, Business end, Came down with snow on it, Catching practice, Camped in the opposition half, Cauldron atmosphere Coat is on a shoogly peg, Come back to haunt them, Corridor of uncertainty, Couldn’t sort their feet out, Easy tap-in, Daisy-cutter, First cab off the rank, Giant-killing, Good leave, Good touch for a big man, Half-turn, Has that in his locker, High wide and not very handsome, Hospital pass, Howler, In the dugout, In their pocket, Johnny on the spot, Leading the line, Leather a shot, Needed no second invitation, Nice headache to have, Nutmeg, On their bike, One for the cameras, One for the purists, Played us off the park, Points to the spot, Prawn sandwich brigade, Purple patch, Put their laces through it, Reaches for their pocket, Rolls Royce, Root and branch review, Row Z, Screamer, Seats on the plane, Show across the bows, Slide-rule pass, Steal a march, Straight in the bread basket, Stramash, Taking one for the team, Telegraphed that pass, Tired legs, That’s great… (football), Thunderous strike, Turns on a sixpence, Walk it in, We’ve got a cup tie on our hands.

UNSORTED After you Claude, All-Premier League affair, Aplomb, Bag/box of tricks, Brace, Brandished, Bread and butter, Breaking the deadlock, Bundled over the line, Champions elect / champions apparent, Clinical finish, Commentator’s curse, Coupon buster, Denied by the woodwork, Draught excluder, Elimination line, Fellow countryman, Foot race, Formerly of this parish, Free hit, Goalkeepers’ Union, Goalmouth scramble, Honeymoon Period, In and around, In the shop window, Keeping ball under their spell, Keystone Cops defending, Languishing, Loitering with intent, Marching orders, Nestle in the bottom corner, Numbered derbies, Opposite number, PK for penalty-kick, Postage stamp, Rasping shot, Red wine not white wine, Relegation six-pointer, Rooted at the bottom, Route One, Sending the goalkeeper the wrong way, Shooting boots, Sleeping giants, Slide rule pass, Small matter of, Spiders web, Stayed hit, Steepling, Stinging the palms, Stonewall penalty, Straight off the training ground, Taking one for the team, Team that likes to play football, Throw their cap on it, Thruppenny bit head / 50p head, Two good feet, Turning into a basketball match, Turning into a cricket score, Usher/Shepherd the ball out of play, Walking a disciplinary tightrope, Wand of a left foot, Wrap foot around it, Your De Bruynes, your Gundogans etc.