Control is an illusion; influence and preparation matter

You can't stop the river. You never could. And yet most of us spend enormous amounts of energy trying to do exactly that — managing outcomes, controlling other people's reactions, bracing for every possible risk, paddling furiously against a current that was never going to turn around. In this episode, I want to offer a different way of thinking about it. Not giving up. Not going passive. But understanding the difference between fighting the river and learning how to read it — and positioning yourself to move through life with a lot more power and a lot less exhaustion.

The Illusion of Control

We tell ourselves that if we work harder, think harder, or plan more carefully, we can make life behave the way we want it to. But control is an illusion — for health, finances, other people's behavior, the economy, aging, and most of the things that matter most to us. The exhaustion so many people feel in midlife isn't weakness. It's the result of spending years fighting the laws of physics. Water goes where water goes. Recognizing that is not defeat. It's the beginning of something much more useful.

Strength Pushes. Wisdom Positions.

In your 20s, brute force often works — you paddle hard and it gets you somewhere. In your 30s and 40s, you start building systems and pushing harder. But there's a point where the current is stronger than your effort, and the kayak metaphor becomes useful: you don't control the depth of the water, the speed of the current, or the rocks beneath the surface. What you do control is the angle of your paddle, where you aim the nose of your boat, and whether you panic or stay focused. That shift — from trying to control to learning to position — is where real power lives.

Positioning Yourself in Real Life

Positioning isn't abstract — it's concrete and specific. For your health, it might be a 15-minute walk, resistance training twice a week, an extra half hour of sleep, or eating more protein first. For your career, it might be learning one skill your workplace values, or moving toward the part of your work that energizes you rather than drains you. The story from my own career says it plainly: the turning point wasn't working harder. It was stopping trying to be someone else and positioning myself where my actual strengths could compound into results.

Reading the River — Including the Imaginary Ones

A skilled kayaker reads the water — ripples, shadows, movement patterns. They know that fast water isn't always dangerous and still water isn't always safe. A lot of the rivers we're exhausted from fighting aren't even real. They're future catastrophes, replayed conversations, worst-case scenarios we've constructed in our heads. Learning to read the actual current — asking what is actually happening right now, not what we fear might happen — is one of the most practical stress-reduction moves available to us.

When the Boat Flips Over

Maturity isn't never flipping the kayak. It's knowing how to roll it back up. Misreading a current, hitting a rock, panicking at a curve — these are part of learning the water, not proof that you've failed. The goal isn't perfection or avoiding all the pitfalls. The goal is perseverance, a little grit, and the willingness to get back in the boat and keep reading the river better than you did before.

You're not behind. You're not done. You haven't messed this up. You're learning how to read the water — and that may be the most powerful thing you do this season. This week, just one small step: one walk, one phone call you've been putting off, one "no" you've been avoiding, thirty minutes blocked off for something that will move your career forward. Not ten steps. One. Adjust the angle. The river keeps moving, and so do you.

Jill’s Links

http://jillfromthenorthwoods.com

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https://www.buymeacoffee.com/startwithsmallsteps

https://twitter.com/schmern

Email the podcast at jill@startwithsmallsteps.com

By choosing to watch this video or listen to this podcast, you acknowledge that you are doing so of your own free will. The content shared here reflects personal experiences and opinions and is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only. I am not a licensed healthcare provider, psychiatrist, or counselor. Any advice or suggestions offered should not be considered a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. You are solely responsible for any decisions or actions you take based on this content.