Five Love Languages and BDSM-S02E15
Kuldrin's Krypt A BDSM 101 Podcast
00:00
Physical Touch: Need vs. Aftercare
Master Kuldrin Fire distinguishes required affectionate touch from aftercare and warns against role-stereotype neglect.
Play episode from 08:01
Transcript
Transcript
Episode notes
Recorded and Published: 5/01/2019
Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
[0:55] Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
[1:21] https://www.daycollars.com
[1:52] Dr. Gary Chapman gives, what most expert and layperson alike, consider an excellent representation of the different ways you and I offer and receive acts of love in his appropriately titled book "The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate". Let go through these and see how these also apply to the world of BDSM.As we do, make sure to keep in mind that you probably are a mix of these to some degree. Most people have a primary love language and a few secondary ones but there are those that have an equal part of two or even all five of them. Also, consider that for a lot of people the way they show love and affection is also the way they wish to receive it. So, if you are a person that shows love by giving a lot of gifts, chances are you also feel it by receiving lots of little gifts.
[2:47] Words of Affirmation: This love language is marked by the desire to hear words of encouragement, approval, and appreciation.While vanilla compliments completely apply here saying “good girl” or “good boy/boi” is also important but some of the things that people often don’t think about are those less vanilla things. Basically, I’m talking about humiliation and degradation here. We are involved in this lifestyle because we accept and embrace all of our needs and for some a big part of this is being told how bad we are. You know that I work hard to keep this pretty despite the topic so I won’t go into obvious examples. However, with this, it is detrimental that people that have this as a primary love language and the need for degradations or humiliation to have all of these met in order to feel loved. Just don’t forget the importance of aftercare...which could be said about all of these.
[3:50] Quality Time: This love language is marked by the desire to actively spend time with our significant other, having meaningful conversations or sharing recreational activities. At first glance, this is possibly the easiest one of the five to provide but examining it further and we can’t just brush over the word “quality”. There have been several times where Mayfair and I have set up dates and times to get together for a scene...I mean, it doesn’t get any more quality than that...but then things went wrong. Illness, worked overtime, the mood wasn’t right, family emergencies, ... hundreds of reason why thing haven’t always worked out. Is this considered quality time Well, some of it, yes. The planning time we spent together (not on the phone and especially not when texting), But most of it no. Now, I don’t say that for the times that we were actually able to get together and things like mood got in the way. I’m referring to when we were completely unable to meet up. Just because a scene was “unsuccessful” doesn’t mean that is was a failure or that the time we spent together wasn’t quality. Just like judging the quality of a scene by the pretties is leaves is a HUGE mistake, so is judging a scene that ends earlier than a planned.
[5:25] Receiving Gifts: This love language is marked by the desire to receive gifts, regardless of whether they are expensive commercial gifts or heartfelt, handmade gifts. Like the others this one is pretty self-explanatory but with us kinky folk this one might also include the gift of a pretty, a bite, an additional play partner for the evening, or any number of wildly creative things that you could conjure from the depths of your imagination. Yes, some of these things might also crossover into the other four categories, and we have to be careful to not let them crossover too much or we aren’t speaking the right language, but if it is something that they (not you) would consider a gift then it would count. On a personal note, this one is one of the ones I greatly struggle with as the receiver. Though I am appreciative for gifts, I would much rather be the person giving than the one receiving.
[6:27] Acts of Service: This love language is marked by the desire to have someone do things such as dishwashing, dog walking, and laundry for you.Ah the thing that a lot of people think of in the world of BDSM when they hear the word service is someone cleaning their house for them or doing their laundry. Yes, these are absolutely acts of service but so is sex, bootblacking and other forms of leather care like cleaning floggers and other toys, dropping of a meal to you at work, carrying a stack of your business cards just in case you run out, and cleaning the dungeon equipment after you have played with them or someone else. In this world, service can and often is servicing. In Elizabeth Cramer’s book “Dom’s Guide to submissive Training” she talks about the importance of oral sex being administered daily. This is WAY more about the act of service than it is about the sexual act. Just because something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck we assume its a duck but sometimes it’s something completely different. If you think back to the comparison Master Arcane made between Alice in the real world and Alice through the looking glass, you will easily understand what I am talking about. https://kuldrinskrypt.com/114
[8:00] Physical Touch: This love language is marked by the desire to be touched, whether it's holding hands, hugging, kissing, a stroking of the skin, or sex.In my experience, service and this one seem to be the most common amongst the kink community but do not let that sway your own thought, feeling, and most importantly needs. Sadly, it is also one of the most misused and abused forms of love there is. And here is why, with the popularity of kink becoming so prevalent within the popular American culture people feel the need to be the stereotypes they read about. Thus, we have a new generation of young and old people alike that feel they have to be Master Domly Dom stoic Butthead to be Dominant. Thus any meaning and loving touches go straight out the window. All passionate little caresses or hair stokes disappear into the guise of the role they feel they have to play. This is far from the truth. You know me and in that, you know that I constantly advocate for two primary things-communication and aftercare. The thing here though is that while touching, cuddling, kissing, or sex might be a necessity for someone's aftercare that does not count as their required physical touch to feel love. No. That is there required touch to feel safe. Let me repeat that. Anything done in aftercare, whether it is physical touch, gift giving, affirmations, time, acts of service do not in any way EVER count toward some imaginary credit to speaking someone else’s love language. These are things done to make them feel safe. What does count is that random hug, kiss, hair stroke, should rub, or sexual act.
[11:09] My Results: (From https://www.psychologies.co.uk/tests/whats-your-love-language.html) “You respond to physical touch!" (for complete shownotes: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/215 )
[13:53] The thing that is most important to take away from this is that we need to be aware of our
own love language and the love language of the people we are in relationships with. Whether that be family, friends, or lovers. By becoming aware and actively engaging each other in the way they prefer we will all live a happier, healthier, and less stressed life. I tried for years to talk my preferred language of touch to people that spoke in terms of the other languages and no one in those relationships was happy and all of us felt misunderstood and honestly quite often rejected...and sure rejection in a scene might feel nice but to live that way on a daily basis will create depression and resentment. Besides, if you are going to have a relationship of love and respect then you have to tell them in the way that they understand that you love them and from that, they will also know that you respect them...at least...that’s one piece of that particular puzzle.
The show notes for this episode which contains all links can be found at https://kuldrinskrypt.com/215
Show Producers:
Pro Producer($100/month): Anonymous.
Executive Producers ($25/month): Jeremiah, Jess, ArcaneD.G.R. & violetaurelia, Feline_Rouge, and babylove2269.
Sr. Producers ($10/month): Matt, xEmeraldxWolfx, JayKay, Queen Sage, and SortOutTheKinks.
Producers ($5/month): Kainsin, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, Roxiebear, olive_eyes, Seine (Zine), and Alexandria
Jr. Producers ($1/month): K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, LxSoumis, and Hayley.
Become our show producer: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support
Vendors I use and trust:
https://BDSMContracts.org: 25 page soft and hardbound M/s and D/s contracts.. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
https://DayCollars.com
Next Time on the Krypt:Next time on The Krypt ???.
Contact info:
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: kuldrinfire https://www.instagram.com/kuldrinfire/
Patreon: kuldrinskrypt https://www.patreon.com/KuldrinsKrypt
Paypal: MasterKuldrin http://paypal.me/masterkuldrin
http://kuldrinskrypt.com/contactresource
Limits and Interest Survey: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/survey
Call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
[0:55] Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
[1:21] https://www.daycollars.com
[1:52] Dr. Gary Chapman gives, what most expert and layperson alike, consider an excellent representation of the different ways you and I offer and receive acts of love in his appropriately titled book "The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate". Let go through these and see how these also apply to the world of BDSM.As we do, make sure to keep in mind that you probably are a mix of these to some degree. Most people have a primary love language and a few secondary ones but there are those that have an equal part of two or even all five of them. Also, consider that for a lot of people the way they show love and affection is also the way they wish to receive it. So, if you are a person that shows love by giving a lot of gifts, chances are you also feel it by receiving lots of little gifts.
[2:47] Words of Affirmation: This love language is marked by the desire to hear words of encouragement, approval, and appreciation.While vanilla compliments completely apply here saying “good girl” or “good boy/boi” is also important but some of the things that people often don’t think about are those less vanilla things. Basically, I’m talking about humiliation and degradation here. We are involved in this lifestyle because we accept and embrace all of our needs and for some a big part of this is being told how bad we are. You know that I work hard to keep this pretty despite the topic so I won’t go into obvious examples. However, with this, it is detrimental that people that have this as a primary love language and the need for degradations or humiliation to have all of these met in order to feel loved. Just don’t forget the importance of aftercare...which could be said about all of these.
[3:50] Quality Time: This love language is marked by the desire to actively spend time with our significant other, having meaningful conversations or sharing recreational activities. At first glance, this is possibly the easiest one of the five to provide but examining it further and we can’t just brush over the word “quality”. There have been several times where Mayfair and I have set up dates and times to get together for a scene...I mean, it doesn’t get any more quality than that...but then things went wrong. Illness, worked overtime, the mood wasn’t right, family emergencies, ... hundreds of reason why thing haven’t always worked out. Is this considered quality time Well, some of it, yes. The planning time we spent together (not on the phone and especially not when texting), But most of it no. Now, I don’t say that for the times that we were actually able to get together and things like mood got in the way. I’m referring to when we were completely unable to meet up. Just because a scene was “unsuccessful” doesn’t mean that is was a failure or that the time we spent together wasn’t quality. Just like judging the quality of a scene by the pretties is leaves is a HUGE mistake, so is judging a scene that ends earlier than a planned.
[5:25] Receiving Gifts: This love language is marked by the desire to receive gifts, regardless of whether they are expensive commercial gifts or heartfelt, handmade gifts. Like the others this one is pretty self-explanatory but with us kinky folk this one might also include the gift of a pretty, a bite, an additional play partner for the evening, or any number of wildly creative things that you could conjure from the depths of your imagination. Yes, some of these things might also crossover into the other four categories, and we have to be careful to not let them crossover too much or we aren’t speaking the right language, but if it is something that they (not you) would consider a gift then it would count. On a personal note, this one is one of the ones I greatly struggle with as the receiver. Though I am appreciative for gifts, I would much rather be the person giving than the one receiving.
[6:27] Acts of Service: This love language is marked by the desire to have someone do things such as dishwashing, dog walking, and laundry for you.Ah the thing that a lot of people think of in the world of BDSM when they hear the word service is someone cleaning their house for them or doing their laundry. Yes, these are absolutely acts of service but so is sex, bootblacking and other forms of leather care like cleaning floggers and other toys, dropping of a meal to you at work, carrying a stack of your business cards just in case you run out, and cleaning the dungeon equipment after you have played with them or someone else. In this world, service can and often is servicing. In Elizabeth Cramer’s book “Dom’s Guide to submissive Training” she talks about the importance of oral sex being administered daily. This is WAY more about the act of service than it is about the sexual act. Just because something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck we assume its a duck but sometimes it’s something completely different. If you think back to the comparison Master Arcane made between Alice in the real world and Alice through the looking glass, you will easily understand what I am talking about. https://kuldrinskrypt.com/114
[8:00] Physical Touch: This love language is marked by the desire to be touched, whether it's holding hands, hugging, kissing, a stroking of the skin, or sex.In my experience, service and this one seem to be the most common amongst the kink community but do not let that sway your own thought, feeling, and most importantly needs. Sadly, it is also one of the most misused and abused forms of love there is. And here is why, with the popularity of kink becoming so prevalent within the popular American culture people feel the need to be the stereotypes they read about. Thus, we have a new generation of young and old people alike that feel they have to be Master Domly Dom stoic Butthead to be Dominant. Thus any meaning and loving touches go straight out the window. All passionate little caresses or hair stokes disappear into the guise of the role they feel they have to play. This is far from the truth. You know me and in that, you know that I constantly advocate for two primary things-communication and aftercare. The thing here though is that while touching, cuddling, kissing, or sex might be a necessity for someone's aftercare that does not count as their required physical touch to feel love. No. That is there required touch to feel safe. Let me repeat that. Anything done in aftercare, whether it is physical touch, gift giving, affirmations, time, acts of service do not in any way EVER count toward some imaginary credit to speaking someone else’s love language. These are things done to make them feel safe. What does count is that random hug, kiss, hair stroke, should rub, or sexual act.
[11:09] My Results: (From https://www.psychologies.co.uk/tests/whats-your-love-language.html) “You respond to physical touch!" (for complete shownotes: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/215 )
[13:53] The thing that is most important to take away from this is that we need to be aware of our
own love language and the love language of the people we are in relationships with. Whether that be family, friends, or lovers. By becoming aware and actively engaging each other in the way they prefer we will all live a happier, healthier, and less stressed life. I tried for years to talk my preferred language of touch to people that spoke in terms of the other languages and no one in those relationships was happy and all of us felt misunderstood and honestly quite often rejected...and sure rejection in a scene might feel nice but to live that way on a daily basis will create depression and resentment. Besides, if you are going to have a relationship of love and respect then you have to tell them in the way that they understand that you love them and from that, they will also know that you respect them...at least...that’s one piece of that particular puzzle.
The show notes for this episode which contains all links can be found at https://kuldrinskrypt.com/215
Show Producers:
Pro Producer($100/month): Anonymous.
Executive Producers ($25/month): Jeremiah, Jess, ArcaneD.G.R. & violetaurelia, Feline_Rouge, and babylove2269.
Sr. Producers ($10/month): Matt, xEmeraldxWolfx, JayKay, Queen Sage, and SortOutTheKinks.
Producers ($5/month): Kainsin, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, Roxiebear, olive_eyes, Seine (Zine), and Alexandria
Jr. Producers ($1/month): K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, LxSoumis, and Hayley.
Become our show producer: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support
Vendors I use and trust:
https://BDSMContracts.org: 25 page soft and hardbound M/s and D/s contracts.. http://bdsmcontracts.org coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
https://DayCollars.com
Next Time on the Krypt:Next time on The Krypt ???.
Contact info:
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: kuldrinfire https://www.instagram.com/kuldrinfire/
Patreon: kuldrinskrypt https://www.patreon.com/KuldrinsKrypt
Paypal: MasterKuldrin http://paypal.me/masterkuldrin
http://kuldrinskrypt.com/contactresource
Limits and Interest Survey: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/survey
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