Why Exclusion Hurts Like Pain

What if the secret to great health, more energy and feeling happier isn’t a diet, a fitness routine or a supplement – but the quality of your relationships? This conversation, with neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine, will challenge your preconceptions about how you relate to others and, more importantly, empower you to change that.

 Dr Levine is Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University and bestselling author of Attached  a landmark title about attachment theory in adults. But it’s his new book Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life, that we’re diving into today. In it, he makes the case that all of us, no matter what our attachment style, can learn to build relationships that help us thrive – in all areas of our life.

Not familiar with the four attachment styles? Dr Levine explains all and tells us how they might show up in everyday life. They aren’t disorders that need to be fixed, but natural variations in how we understand and interact with others. And getting to know yours could help you feel more secure in your relationships, work and wellbeing.

We explore the evolutionary science behind why our brains, which are wired for connection, can experience social exclusion as physical pain. It’s what makes ignoring someone just as damaging as lashing out – and explains why positive interactions with strangers (a hello here, a wave there) don’t just make your day, they can actually change your brain’s structure over time.

If, as Dr Levine reveals, 95 percent of our adult attachment has nothing to do with childhood, that means we have huge potential for change. We don’t have to be held back by patterns we thought were with us for life. We just need to play to our strengths in relationships – and give our brains the right signals in the present.

And if that sounds promising but puzzling, Dr Levine shares lots of practical ideas and tools you can use right away – including his five pillars of secure attachment and two, game-changing rules for managing conflict. We also discuss why some common ideas, like seeking closure after a break-up or setting boundaries, might not offer the security you’d like.

What I hope you’ll take from this conversation is a sense of optimism. It’s the ideal episode for anyone feeling stuck in a relationship, struggling with conflict, or who simply wants to feel more secure in themselves.

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Show notes https://drchatterjee.com/646

DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or qualified healthcare provider. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website.