Why We Chase Unavailable People

Sabrina discusses repetition compulsion, childhood wiring, feeling like a wounded child, and checking how old you feel when chasing.

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Episode notes

Why do we chase people who don’t choose us, confuse anxiety for attraction, and stay in relationships that leave us questioning our worth?

Today, Jay sits down with Sabrina Zohar, podcast host and one of the most influential voices in modern dating, to unpack the emotional patterns that quietly shape how we love. Drawing from her own healing journey and work with thousands of clients, Sabrina explains how our childhood experiences, nervous system responses, and unhealed wounds influence who we’re drawn to often without us realizing it.

Together, Jay and Sabrina explore what emotional availability really looks like, why consistency matters more than intensity, and how boundaries aren’t about pushing people away but protecting your peace. They break down common dating traps, from overanalyzing texts to mistaking butterflies for chemistry, and reveal why self-advocacy is one of the most important relationship skills we’re never taught. Through practical insights and deeply personal stories, Sabrina shows why asking for what you need isn’t “too much,” and why love should feel safe, not confusing.

In this interview, you'll learn:

How to Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Choose You

How to Date Without Abandoning Yourself

How to Set Boundaries Without Fear of Losing Someone

How to Recognize Emotional Availability Early

How to Break the Cycle of Situationships

How to Ask for What You Need Without Feeling “Too Much”

How to Stop Confusing Intensity for Intimacy

You don’t need to chase clarity, overperform for love, or silence your needs to be chosen. Real connection begins when you feel safe enough to be honest, brave enough to set boundaries, and grounded enough to walk away from what doesn’t honor you.

With Love and Gratitude,

Jay Shetty

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What We Discuss:

00:00 Intro

01:01 How to Tell If Someone Is Truly Interested

02:52 Why You Date the Parts of You That Aren’t Healed

06:04 Understanding Your Emotional State Before You Date

07:59 Don’t Ignore These Red Flags!

10:33 What Should a Healthy, Secure Relationship Feel Like?

13:34 Why Slowing Down Creates Real Connection

20:07 What’s Really Draining You About Dating?

24:09 Your Partner Will Trigger You, That’s Okay!

29:03 Building a Strong Foundation for Dating