Going first: make others feel loved

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What if the secret to happiness isn’t success or achievement — but simply feeling loved?

In this episode, one of the world’s top researchers on happiness and well-being Sonja Lyubomirsky explains why connection, curiosity, and listening may be the most powerful ingredients for a fulfilling life — and a meaningful retirement.

Her new book, co-authored with relationship scientist Dr. Harry Reis, is How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most —and it offers a surprising and practical roadmap for getting there. Key insights? When you want to feel more loved, don’t try to make yourself more lovable. Don’t try to change the other person. Instead, change the conversation. Go first. Make them feel loved—and watch what happens next.

This conversation is full of wisdom for anyone planning for or navigating retirement—a life stage where relationships become the center of your world. Dr. Lyubomirsky talks about the vulnerability paradox, the three magic words everyone wants to hear, why older people are actually happier than younger ones, and what really matters when you’re designing a life worth living.

Sonja Lyubomirsky joins us from Santa Monica, California.

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Bio

Sonja Lyubomirsky (AB Harvard, summa cum laude; PhD Stanford) is Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and author of the best-selling The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness (published in 39 countries). Lyubomirsky’s research—on the possibility of lastingly increasing happiness via gratitude, kindness, and connection interventions—have been the recipients of many grants and honors, including Fellow of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS), an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Basel, the Diener Award for Outstanding Midcareer Contributions in Personality Psychology, the Christopher Peterson Gold Medal, a Positive Psychology Prize, and the Faculty of the Year Award (twice). She has four kids, ages 12 to 26, and lives in Santa Monica, California.

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For More on Sonja Lyubomirsky

How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most

Website 

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Retirement Podcast Conversations You May Like

How to Live a Meaningful Life – Dave Evans

Retire Happy – Dr. Catherine Sanderson

The Good Life – Marc Schulz, PhD

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About The Retirement Wisdom Podcast

There are many podcasts on retirement, often hosted by financial advisors with their own financial motives, that cover the money side of the street. This podcast is different. You’ll get smarter about the investment decisions you’ll make about the most important asset you’ll have in retirement: your time.

About Retirement Wisdom

I help people who are retiring, but aren’t quite done yet, discover what’s next and build their custom version of their next life. A meaningful retirement doesn’t just happen by accident.

Schedule a call today to discuss how the Designing Your Life process created by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans can help you make your life in retirement a great one — on your own terms.

About Your Podcast Host

Joe Casey is an executive coach who helps people design their next life after their primary career and create their version of The Multipurpose Retirement.™ He created his own next chapter after a 26-year career at Merrill Lynch, where he was Senior Vice President and Head of HR for Global Markets & Investment Banking.

Joe has earned Master’s degrees from the University of Southern California in Gerontology (at age 60), the University of Pennsylvania, and Middlesex University (UK), a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and his coaching certification from Columbia University.

In addition to his work with clients, Joe hosts The Retirement Wisdom Podcast, ranked in the top 1% globally in popularity by Listen Notes, with over 1.6 million downloads. Business Insider recognized Joe as one of 23 innovative coaches who are making a difference. He’s the author of Win the Retirement Game: How to Outsmart the 9 Forces Trying to Steal Your Joy.

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Wise Quotes

On Love & Happiness

“The key to happiness is feeling connected and loved. The secret to feeling loved is really feeling known.”

On Going First

“When we want to feel more loved, we often try to make ourselves more lovable. But the research suggests something different — we need to start by making the other person feel loved. A relationship is really a series of conversations. Changing the conversation can change the relationship. When you think about a relationship is a series of conversations. And so during your next conversation, the first step is actually to try to make the other person feel more loved. And so we talk about, you know, showing curiosity in the other person and really listening to them and helping them open up, you know, because the secret to feeling loved is really feeling known. You know, you can’t really feel loved by someone else if they don’t know you, right?  If you don’t really know me, I can’t feel loved by you because I’ll always wonder would he still love me if he knew me? If you could see what was sort of behind those walls. It’s a little bit counterintuitive, right? If you want to feel more loved, you want to go first and make the other person feel more loved.”

On Vulnerability

“I’m not going to feel loved by you just if you’re admiring me. And so that’s where sort of we go wrong where like, it turns out that actually being a little vulnerable and showing more of our kind of real selves, not really real selves, it’s all real, you know, but you know, kind of showing more of our full selves, what’s beneath those walls. That’s actually what forges a connection. So that kind of, in fact, I think it’s called the vulnerability paradox. Like we think people won’t like us if we show a little bit vulnerability or weakness even, but actually people will like us more. Now, if it has to be done at the right pace and at the right time for the right person, right, you have to really read the room so you don’t just like dump your traumas or your weaknesses right away on another person. That’s not, that’s not going to work either.”