395: How Unspoken Norms are Quietly Sabotaging Your Team with Nilofer Merchant
The Modern Manager
A manager who taught clarity and architecture
Nilofer shares a story about an Apple manager who demanded written clarity before asking others to be accountable.
Many teams struggle with the same invisible problem: unspoken norms that quietly undermine collaboration, performance, and trust.
Even when leaders want better behaviors, more ownership, healthier boundaries, and stronger collaboration, change often stalls because no one has named what’s actually happening.
Fortunately, this week’s guest helps managers put language to the hidden norms shaping their teams and offers a practical way to replace judgment-based practices with norms that help people do their best work.
Nilofer Merchant is a bestselling author, speaker, and thought leader on innovation, collaboration, and organizational culture. In her work, she focuses on helping leaders identify the outdated norms holding teams back and redesign work in ways that unlock human potential. She is the author of Our Best Work and founder of The Intangible Labs.
In this conversation, we explore how managers can surface unspoken norms, talk about them without defensiveness, and create shared ownership for cultural change. We also discuss why real change requires choice, not control, and how small shifts in language and process can cascade into healthier team dynamics.
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Conversation Topics
- (00:00) Introduction
- (02:18) Why unspoken norms quietly shape team behavior
- (06:04) Naming judgment-based practices that limit performance
- (10:41) Replacing judgment with encouragement at work
- (15:36) How language gives teams permission to change
- (19:58) Connecting team values to everyday behaviors
- (24:27) Why do people resist change even when they want it
- (29:02) Creating choice instead of control to enable real change
- (30:02) [Extended Episode Only] How to talk openly about norms as a team
- (33:12) [Extended Episode Only] Using shared ownership to sustain new behaviors
- (37:57) [Extended Episode Only] Designing work that supports flexibility and trust
📚 Additional Resources:
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Keep up with Nilofer Merchant
- Connect with her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nilofermerchant/
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