It’s the parenting trend everyone’s talking about — and it might be doing more harm than good.
“FAFO parenting” (mess around and find out) is being framed as the antidote to gentle parenting. Tougher. Harder. No-nonsense. Let kids face the consequences and toughen up.
But here’s the problem: when parenting swings from one extreme to another, kids don’t get stronger — they get disconnected.
In this episode, Dr Justin Coulson unpacks where FAFO parenting came from, why it’s exploding across media in the UK, US and Australia, and what it reveals about our cultural moment. Most importantly, he explains why harsh, hands-off “let them learn the hard way” parenting quietly erodes the very thing children need most: security and connection.
If you’re feeling burnt out, frustrated, or tempted to go hardline — listen before you do.
KEY POINTS
- FAFO parenting is a backlash against years of gentle, emotion-focused parenting influenced by thinkers like John Gottman.
- Parenting trends swing like pendulums — but extremes rarely serve children well.
- “Mess around and find out” often carries an implicit threat and emotional withdrawal.
- There’s a difference between natural consequences and punitive, emotionally distant parenting.
- Children need security, predictability, and autonomy support — not harsh detachment.
- Connection builds resilience. Disconnection breeds defiance or insecurity.
- You can hold firm boundaries without being cold or cruel.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“FAFO breaks the connection. And connection is the heart of what makes families tick.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Pause before you punish. Ask: Am I teaching — or reacting?
- Use natural consequences wisely. Stay warm and present while holding the boundary.
- Make rules collaboratively where possible. Autonomy increases buy-in.
- Separate emotions from behaviour. Validate feelings, guide choices.
- Protect the relationship first. Correction works best when connection is strong.
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