We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire.
And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido.
Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection.
When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy.
Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure.
💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:
-
The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire.
-
Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first.
-
The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each.
-
Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season.
-
How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner.
We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life.
No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives.
Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently.
If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing.
🔗 Links & Resources
🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here
Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship.
👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type
✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.
The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!
👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark
🎧 Stay connected:
📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**
💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.
Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe
🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
