Nob Keeper - The Prime Minister's Prime Minister for Female Complaints

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Bertha Announcement  0:00  
This podcast is supported in part by the birth of foundation. This episode of irrational fears

Dan Ilic  0:05  
recorded on the land of the direwolf people sovereignty was never said When did a treaty let's stop the show. A rational

Unknown Speaker  0:11  
fear contains naughty words like bricks, Canberra fan COMM And section 40 of our rational view recommended listening by immature audience.

Alan Jones  0:24  
Good morning, everyone. I'm Alan Jones debt, Ilitch has invited me to host the interview show for a rational fear as my own show. Keulen was too popular and crashed the internet after three minutes of streaming. Oh god, you know who else crashed after three minutes of my streaming July on Gilad? Now this show is dedicated to the most important people in the country, the sponsors of a rational theme, we will celebrate them all in this very special episode, the highs, the lows and be in between. This is genuinely cash for comments. Let's kick it off with a message from my very dear friend and close personal tuber Peter Dutton.

Peter Dutton  1:06  
Oh, Peter Dutton here wishing you and your family Christmas and reminding you that just like Santa Claus, I'm keeping a list of who is naughty and nice. Previously, if you were an Australian citizen, and you made a joke about a minister, for instance, a minor dog looking like a potato, there was no way he could legally tap your phone or jingle your bell. But as of today, ASIO can be my own personal health on a shelf, and I can spy on anyone I want foreign, more Australian, more Australian it looks a bit foreign or worse, the leader of the greens. So if you're gonna buy certain jokes about certain ministers, remember, potatoes have eyes and they could see when you are sleeping, and they know when you're awake. Just consider yourself lucky that Santa Claus isn't coming by boat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, authorized unopposed by Peter Dutton, Canberra.

Alan Jones  2:06  
Thank you, Peter. What a warm kind of Dare I say jolly man. Next up is another jolly fellow, the President of the United States of America's alternative reality. Donald Trump. Here he is writing a letter to fake incoming President Joe Biden way back in January 26.

Donald Trump  2:26  
Dear Joe, as you are senile, I will write this letter slowly. As I leave the White House with my wife and her lookalikes. I reflect on my time here as a career highlight of their with when I play the successful hotel owner in home alone to last in New York, even though you had the highest amount of votes in US history. I had the second highest and second is better than first. Justice two is higher than one. That's just a fact looking. So with that in mind, congratulations on pulling off a hoax election and undermining the country. I das by red cap your way and have chosen to write this letter in my finest crayons. You have ruined democracy in ways I could only dream and I usually only dream of the hamburger. But as a chick with big Tata. It has been an honor being the president of a country that would allow me to be president. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump. PS follow me on parler PPS, actually don't follow me on.

Alan Jones  3:32  
Good on your Donald from the President of the USA to the president of Australia. Rhythm Murdoch was awarded a lifetime achievement award back in January for how many lives he's managed to suck the blood out of to stay alive himself. Ah, well, Dad Rupert,

Rupert Murdoch  3:48  
good evening paying subscriber Rupert Murdoch here saying thanks for my lifetime achievement Award. It fills me with enthusiasm for my final days of planetary destruction until I die. Well, let me tell you I'm far from done. I've ruined democracies in the UK, USA and Australia. But they're still pansy little democratic countries around the world that have yet to be torn apart by my lieutenants. Defense us little New Zealand, I'm looking at you. There's a real movement to silence conservatism, which is why my 1000s of publications, TV networks and radio stations are home to them. And let's not forget MySpace, the future of the Internet. Once Facebook and Google are taxed into submission, you'll need an account. You can even put me on your top five friends if you'd like to young people, I say do what I do. Try to destroy everything before you die leaving behind a hash of a planet that looks just like my heart. Oh, and by The Daily Telegraph all the Herald Sun confidential this week is particularly sexy believe

Alan Jones  5:01  
Rupert Murdoch will be back in just a moment to explain why the federal government is forcing big tech players like Google and Facebook to pay media proprietors for their content. And why wouldn't be listening to me talk about how many immigrants shouldn't be allowed into the country, his premium stuff. But before that, here is a message from Bill Gates on why you should take a dump on

Bill Gates  5:20  
Google. Hello, I'm Bill Gates, former Microsoft founder and CEO now full time Boomer with too many resources at hand. And when I'm not planning to vaccinate the world with the latest antivirus, I'm using Bing Bing almost works as great as Google. That's why over 6% of the world trust Bing to find what they're looking for. Say you want to find the best coffee shop near you. All you have to do is go to www.bing.com and type in Spanish Civil War, and the best coffee shops will appear on your screen. And say you want to read all the latest news on your phone. Just download the Bing app and hit the latest news tab. And you can binge all the latest news on the cost of Concordia Shipra departure of Google from Australia my old friends at Microsoft are ready to make being relevant to Australia as Australia is relevant to the world. I wonder this has nothing to do with the rumors of me trying to inject you with 5g nanobots just try to search for it I'm hoping it doesn't exist. bearing

Alan Jones  6:40  
good on your bill is February rolls around so does all things budgets and to celebrate here is something very very special and strange.

Unknown Speaker  6:50  
Frydenberg industries and audible presents economic measures as you've never heard them before mother mind my money my mother from his hermetically sealed home studio in the southern highlands. Robbie McGregor Australia's most well known sexiest voice. Okay, already says the woods stimulus package for three sexy hours.

Robbie McGreggor  7:18  
stimulus package, stimulus package, stimulus package, stimulus package, stimulus package, stimulus package

Unknown Speaker  7:30  
ride the wave of fiscal foreplay,

Robbie McGreggor  7:34  
stimulus package, stimulus package or stimulus package, stimulus package

Unknown Speaker  7:42  
anomic era eroticism package ride the down Jones bull all the way until his bubble bursts stimulus package stupid.

Unknown Speaker  8:12  
Frydenberg stimulus package is guaranteed to get everyone excited except for freelancers, migrants and casual workers. If you use the offer code hashtag fuck freelancers, get a 20 minute bonus of Robin McGregor saying the words quantitative easing,

Robbie McGreggor  8:26  
quantitative easing, quantitative quantitative

Unknown Speaker  8:30  
Frydenberg stimulus package is available to download from the audible store. Now. If you're registered for GST,

Robbie McGreggor  8:38  
oh.

Alan Jones  8:43  
I've got no idea what that was. It was like living through a Labour government. We're doing a recap of the 2021 sponsors of irrational fear. And thank God the coalition is here to govern the only effective way we know how press conferences

Rupert Degas  8:58  
standby for an announcement about announcements from the Commonwealth of Australia. The federal government to secure the COVID-19 vaccine for all Australians is what we hope you picked up from the news this week. We haven't yet but we announced it. How good would that be? Just like the $2 billion national bushfire recovery fund that only existed in your brain the moment we announced it now that science and not to mention getting the arts industry back on their feet with a Coronavirus stimulus package that we haven't delivered. That was a really good announcement. We did it ages ago. Guys. Sebastian was there. And he looked sad. The federal government announcing things because doing things is the state's responsibility. Spoken by Rupert Degas, my son was being crushed because I have to read these ads to stay alive regardless of my own political opinion.

Alan Jones  9:43  
The pandemic remember that? Gosh, more like plan Demmick I feel stronger than ever. And you know who else is my good friend Jerry Harvey. Oh,

Scott Morrison  9:53  
it's the Harvey Norman swimming in money sale.

There's so much money we're drowning in it profits up 116% sales up by $462 million. As a bonus we're keeping job keeper That's right $22 million from the government to help struggling businesses during a pandemic The only thing we're struggling to do is find space to bottle this excess $22 million tax free interest free no cash back

Unknown Speaker  10:18  
the savings are huge and Harvey Norman if you're me, Jerry

Scott Morrison  10:23  
it's the Harvey Norman swimming in money sale. Oh cash that's gotta say. Say

Alan Jones  10:29  
good on your Jerry. He's a go at that one. Remember the first time the plan Demick finished and the government was literally begging people to fly the broom. The only reason to fly the broom is to sweep your life under the carpet.

Robbie McGreggor  10:44  
Federal government is giving away 800,000 Half Price plane tickets to anywhere in Australia. That is a marginal electorate. There's never been a better time to seek the seven swinging wonders of Australia. Walk through the colossal Women's Rugby Union change rooms of Red Cliff Queensland it or hike through the poisoned wasteland where they're hanging native grasslands of jam land one screw or fly to secluded Kangaroo Island just stay in your own rather check to experience how the Emperors of the Great Pyramid Scheme of Paladin once left swinging by swing seats has never been this cheap. All you have to do is just sell a little tiny part of yourself if you book through hello world use the offer code one word all lowercase. I know my tears Coleman and you'll get a surprise discount you'll have no idea about obviously free travel. There's nothing marginal about the seven swinging wonders service Australia do pack a jacket because anywhere you go, it's gonna be Bellwether

Alan Jones  12:06  
now here's one of the best ideas I've ever heard of when it comes to accountability. No, it's not a federal ipecac it's a hotline to kick the pause pour.

Bronwyn Morgan  12:15  
This episode of irrational fear is brought to you by Makayla cashes. Dobin adult ledger hotline. If you know someone who is earning hard earned money from taxpayers and is refusing to do their job, just call one 800 dole bludger Oh, are

Scott Morrison  12:29  
you said to hold on to job in the bludger? Yes. Hello to Davina Blodger.

Unknown Speaker  12:34  
Yes come on barrel. Darrow who I think we need some more information

Scott Morrison  12:39  
there all the guard SEC last week after the job keeper thing ended off with him his job back at high five for three hours a fortnight in the bug or refused aerelon

Unknown Speaker  12:46  
job seeker? Did I? Was he applying for the job? Well, I

Scott Morrison  12:50  
reckon he would if I advertised that you haven't advertised the job then now then the tax department would not right. So what are you going to do about it? You're going to ring him and tell him that he should take it away

Unknown Speaker  13:00  
that maybe I could I have your full name and contact number should click to hang up you actually need to press the red button not say click off. Thanks.

Bronwyn Morgan  13:11  
One 800 dole bludger because there's nothing more Australian than dubbing in your mates.

Alan Jones  13:18  
For a brief moment in March 2021, Australia was one of the few countries in the world that didn't have real news on Facebook. What a relief. Thankfully, Sky News was available still at the time to explain why here's Rupert.

Rupert Murdoch  13:31  
So why isn't there any news on your Facebook newsfeed? Here's a quick explainer by me Rupert Murdoch left 10 on general of the News Corp and assorted expeditionary forces. Now, Mark Zuckerberg owns a website, Facebook, and Google owns a website called Google's and their websites own the data of all Australians who use it, which means they know what you want before you do. They're really good at selling advertising. I own newspapers that are really bad at selling advertising. And those newspapers own the Australian Government and the Australian government makes laws so one day on a whim I thought Geez Louise wave bad at selling edge. Not everyone wants 60 month interest free deals for electrical computers, furniture, bedding and flooring from Harvey Norman. Some people want magnetic lashes leggings that make you bump up and other bullshit. We have no idea. But then I said to myself, Rupert, you own a perfectly good government. It's just sitting there doing nothing. Maybe you can get them to force the blokes with the websites that are good at selling ads to give us money. Then I call the government to my house by private jet made them pay for And I said, Hello government, man, I forget their names. I've had a lot of staff turnover lately. If you still enjoy being the government, can you do this? And they said, We do still enjoy being the government boss. Yes. And yes, we can do that. Now the websites that are good at selling ads have to by law, give me money. And the best part about it Googles and Facebooks give the money straight to me tax free. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Why start paying tax now? Of some journalists would say, oh, but there's no way to guarantee that money will be invested in New Journalism. Well, none of those journalists work for me. I don't hire journalists out and you may have noticed Facebook news is back. For now. Zuckerberg told the government is only going to pay us if he feels like it. Well, I respect that. At the end of the day, Facebook, Google and I all agree that we're not going to pay any money to the Australian Government. Because why would you? There are a bunch of

Alan Jones  16:14  
cowards you technology has become quite the constant in our lives. I remember when I got a TV remote control for the first time and that the click of a button you could flick between watching me on the Ernie sigley Show to watching me on the online shown to watching me on the bird show to watching me on the Graham Kennedy show to watching me on the Simon Gallagher show to watching me on the John Singleton show you're watching me on the Mike Walsh show to watching me on the Barry Crocker show to watching me on the TED Hamilton show to watching me on the Darryl summer show and to watching me on the Alan Jones Show. Now that was media diversity when it comes to new technology to keep track of consent. Dawood knows who is allowed in which holes better than a New South Wales Police Commissioner.

Scott Morrison  16:57  
Hi, I'm Nick fuller. As New South Wales Police Commissioner, I love stripping down with others but gaining consent can be a confusing process. That's why we've developed a new app to help men with important careers feel safe at night. If individuals have developed relations to a point where undergarments could be heading in a southerly direction, it's important to document the consent of each party before the engagement of horizontal proceedings. Simply take out your service New South Wales app and scroll to the sexual consent form. You and your sexual participants simply tick the boxes for the style and duration of sexual intercourse. Also note if applicable, which private high school participants attended. So we assign the most appropriate legal response should we even need to then simply sign on the screen or use a finger on the fingerprint reader. If one of your participants is too drunk to sign definitely don't coerce them or just place their finger on the fingerprint reader. They'll never be able to prove otherwise, then and only then can sexual intercourse proceed at a location of your choice. There is currently a 15 person limit per sexual event per household. But this will relax as COVID rules change. Now, this is important. If any participant changes their mind it won't be automatically updated by the app. But were assured by the Boston Consulting Group that this will be addressed in a future upgrade. So when emotions are running high, remember now at no wet. This has been a message from the New South Wales Police. Thank you.

Alan Jones  18:31  
Usually right now I'd love to have Anthony clear on the show. But unfortunately, Dan Ilic turned irrational fear don't have enough patreon supporters are caught is so cheap. Instead, here is Andrew bolts daughter, Gabby bolt blurting out a tune about how the Prime Minister of Australia can relate to women who he is related to

Gabbi Bolt  18:52  
welcome to the fifth annual Parliament House karaoke competition. I know I know Garrett comes back and wins every year. But I might not be one to pick up a hose. But I certainly have picked up a microphone before

Unknown Speaker  19:06  
Hey, kids

Unknown Speaker  19:07  
learn from my empathy consultant turns out all that I have to say is I find those guys repulsive once I a thing about how I will

Gabbi Bolt  19:16  
propose real change. But if I try to cry, maybe no one will notice anything strange.

Unknown Speaker  19:27  
cuz I'll stand up for women when they need me. But only the ones

Gabbi Bolt  19:32  
I like. Jenny and the girls only relate to my relatives. Good. I really even I haven't named names. I mean, I'm not to blame. I could have shot protesters right at the scene.

But I didn't want to know

why Jenny and the girls Yeah, Jenny

I'm personally nailing Miss Dutton. What do you think? Scott better than

Unknown Speaker  20:10  
Danny and the girls?

Alan Jones  20:13  
Oh, what a voice. Up next, some pandemic recovery packages that aren't about building out a gas pipeline. Oh, God.

Bronwyn Morgan  20:21  
The rules of federal parliament are changing from April 1 2021. Some behavior will now be quietly condemned. Whether that's accidentally quote, assaulting a silly drunk girl, or just whacking on a desk. The consequences of your actions could now be enforced with serious thinly veiled threats. Like you could lose your portfolio, lower the chances of pre selection maybe or possibly even getting a telling off by a state Premier. That's why the Prime Minister's Prime Minister for female complaints is introducing knob keeper. knob keeper provides relief for your upstanding member. Non keeper supports knobs with fully paid leave, so you can spend more time with your family if you still have one before coming back and fulfilling your promise to the Australian people while collecting $200,000 A year or your fully paid leave can be used to brief a team of lawyers so you can sue a trusted journalist who never mentioned your name for defamation. But remember, if you're not sure whether that upskirting photo or dick pic is appropriate, check with Jenny first Julie has a way of clarifying no keeper, a helping hand for our big swinging decks authorized by irrational fear on behalf of the Australian Brotherman Canberra.

Alan Jones  21:41  
Well, that explains a lot but not as much as who is eligible for those irrelevant vaccines which the government has done with absolute clarity.

Virginia Gay  21:50  
We understand there's been some confusion about who is eligible for the COVID-19 vaccine and who votes labor.

Rupert Degas  21:57  
That's why the federal government is clearing up the confusion with job seeker.

Virginia Gay  22:02  
Job Seeker tells you when the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine will be made available to groups most in need of protection first, and Liberal Party donors.

Rupert Degas  22:12  
These vulnerable communities have been identified by medical experts and focus groups.

Virginia Gay  22:18  
Group one includes people who are at increased risk of being silenced by Kancil culture,

Rupert Degas  22:24  
like journalists who haven't asked any questions, cab drivers and divorced dads with an axe to grind on facebook

Virginia Gay  22:31  
group to priority access will also be given to people working in critical services such as

Rupert Degas  22:37  
residents of marginal electorates, sharks fans, coal industry professionals,

Virginia Gay  22:42  
and men with law degrees who went to university with current or former Liberal Party Cabinet members.

Rupert Degas  22:48  
If you're not listed in groups one or two, keep checking job seeker to see when other groups of people will be eligible for the AstraZeneca vaccine like women's scientists, union members, and Tom Ballard, who will definitely be last on the list job seeker, helping those who are more on to Australia than others get a COVID-19 vaccine first whenever they fucking arrive, authorized by someone anonymously to give us plausible deniability. Should it all go to hell camera.

Alan Jones  23:16  
Back in April Scott Morrison visited a Pentecostal church and tell them that God gave to him in a dream and told him to run for the top job as Prime Minister now, I've never called Nick grana God, and I don't think I'm about to start now.

God  23:32  
Hi, I'm God, also known as Yahweh, the Lord Jehovah, and in some circles, Jenin you may remember me for being the father of Jesus, the guy who was murdered by the mob when the local authorities claimed his safety was the responsibility of the states. Now I just want to clear a few things up. Your Prime Minister Scott Morrison claimed that I came to him in a vision. And I said, quote, Scott, you've got to run for Prime Minister. Well, that's not how I remember it. I remember appearing to him and saying, Scott, you've got the runs. And if you don't make it home, you'll have to stop at anger Dean McDonald's. I'm glad we could clear that up on the record. And remember, folks love one another. Although I understand that's more of an inner city a dinner party cafe, green's thing to do. Oh, and by my book is big, and it's a best seller.

Alan Jones  24:38  
May 2021. So corporate Australia ran out of patience with Coronavirus while hospitals had an oversupply of patients. Back in May the CEO of Virgin had a message for anyone wanting to travel overseas again.

Virginia Gay  24:54  
A message from Virgin Australia. You may have heard our CEO say that Cost of opening up international borders is that some people will die. Sorry for the gas. It's our first time. We want to let all Australians know that there's always a small risk of dying on one of our flights, be it from the food, overcrowding, or watching too many Adam Sandler movies on long haul connections. at Virgin Australia, we're committed to helping our customers reach their dream destination, but an unlucky few will also reach their ultimate destination. At least Virgin Australia customers can take comfort in the fact that, unlike Qantas, your death will most likely be delayed. Virgin Australia, some people will die, but probably not on time.

Alan Jones  25:47  
The NDIS is a crucial service for Australians with a disability but according to the government this year, there's only two problems with it. One, it costs money into the public servants who run it have bleeding hearts. Now to me that sounds like a preexisting condition garden.

NDIS Empathy Hotline  26:04  
Thanks for calling NDIS. Unfortunately, all of our empathetic Public Service employees are attending other customers, or they're in a meeting with human resources because of something they tweeted or are at home suffering burnout, and Your call has been diverted to our artificially intelligent empathy hotline. If you require a computer generated voice to occasionally say listening sounds like oh, yeah, and Aha, and oh, no, you poor thing. Press one. If you would like to be misdiagnosed by an artificial doctor, press two, to experience having this call being passed to an endless loop of computer generated NDIS employees for several hours. Press three to speak to the human breast for that's a little computer joke. There are no more humans, they're all fired. If you would like to meditate to the pace for sound of a dot matrix printer, stay on the line.

Alan Jones  27:09  
If we've learned anything this year about the management of the pandemic, it's not a race, because we're all gonna die sooner or later. We're not me, I'll live forever.

Rupert Degas  27:19  
This episode of irrational fear is brought to you by the National Vaccine rollout. Remember, it's not a race. It's a marathon, which is the name of a race. But in this case, no one is racing. It's more of a fun run.

Unknown Speaker  27:33  
But not funny.

Rupert Degas  27:35  
And there's no running. Because the National Vaccine rollout is the gold standard. A monetary policy that was abandoned by Australia in 1932. Steel, it sounds nice, like a gold medal. But you'd get if you won a race, which the National Vaccine rollout definitely isn't authorized by the Department of mixed metaphors and grasping at straws camera.

Alan Jones  27:55  
Well, let's clear that up. In July 2021, the federal government upped its vaccine messaging, that is to say they started vaccine messaging, only a year and a half into the pandemic. They put out an ad to encourage everyone to get the vaccine. But back in July, no one could get the vaccine. It was harder to get a vaccine that tickets to any other musical. God. That was a good show. I was in it. Oh dear.

Dan Ilic  28:19  
She was a 39 year old non essential graphic designer who was merely eight months away from being eligible for a FISA vaccine. And yet, she refused to enroll herself into St. Joseph's College. Let's be COVID-19 together, turn 40 Sooner or be the son of Liberal Party donors. Spoken by someone who never be held to account for the audit hold a syringe to Bob and Gambro

Alan Jones  28:41  
2021 was a census year, which is an old fashioned way for the government to know everything about you before we had social media and QR codes.

Rupert Degas  28:50  
Tuesday the 10th of August is senseless Nice. Each household is required by law to fill out the online form. So the Australian Bureau of Statistics can collect data on the makeup of Australia and to see if the NBN is working in your area. It then gives that data to the federal government so they can build critical services like carpark sporting facilities and hospitals in coalition seats, regardless of what the data says. The senseless providing scientific data to the Australian government so they can willfully ignore it authorized by a bunch of glittering idiots in Canberra

Alan Jones  29:22  
in August 2021 With cop 26 Only a few months away. Everyone was talking about climate change that doesn't exist. Lots of people think we've already solved it. Well, let me tell you something. David Attenborough didn't think so. God

Robbie McGreggor  29:35  
OMA series finale of who Lammott Earth things are really heating up. Mr. Morrison,

David Attenborough  29:42  
it's with regret to inform you that the snow is on fire. You need to do something. Now.

Scott Morrison  29:49  
I've always said I've got a plan and the plans the plan. It's a plan a plan that's been planned. I've always said that

Robbie McGreggor  29:56  
will David Attenborough and the Earthlings be able to stop the Your time.

David Attenborough  30:02  
Now you listen hear Scott, we've only got a couple of years left until the point of no return. The numbers are just not

Scott Morrison  30:09  
looking good. Oh, that's great, then we can blame the collapse of the earth on labor.

Robbie McGreggor  30:13  
Oh, well, they suffocate themselves and every other living creature in a toxic soup of stinky greenhouse gases.

David Attenborough  30:23  
Everything is dying, Mr. Morrison, and you're doing nothing.

Scott Morrison  30:29  
I'm not going to do anything that will cost jobs. And the most at risk jobs are those on the boards of fossil fuel companies that all need after I lose the election in a month's time. I've always said that.

Robbie McGreggor  30:39  
I find out in this book potentially lost emissaries of the show, but jumped the shark of the Renaissance.

Planet Earth is recommended for mature audiences. It contains strong sex scenes, as the whole globe gets royally

Bill Gates  31:11  
fucked

Alan Jones  31:13  
when it comes to climate change. Thank God for the big Australian and I'm not talking about Ben Robert Smith. So big strong heads do now I'm talking about bhp who are pretending to do something about their huge carbon footprint. God

Rupert Degas  31:27  
in 2021 bhp is getting rid of fossil fuels and focusing on sustainability of our province. Our profits are fragile and we must do what we can to save them. And Experts warn that our reputation will soon face a tipping point from activist shareholders from which it could never recover. That's why we're selling our coal, oil and gas assets. Some other company can bravely ignore the problem of greenhouse emissions production that will continue unabated regardless, that bhp we believe the only way to clean up the planet is to wash your own hands first. We're doing it for our children and our children's children.

Scott Morrison  32:14  
Your children ours will be inheriting the province. Yeah, BHP open cut and running.

Alan Jones  32:21  
This government is cooked a lot of flack when it comes to action on climate change doesn't exist. But no one is talking about the Minister for emissions reduction plan to keep cows alive, which will make more co2 so that plants can survive.

Dan Ilic  32:34  
At the Australian government, we know that coal powered electricity plants are running out of time. On one hand, they're old, expensive, and make climate change worse every minute they run. But on the other hand, the coal industry also provides critical baseload donations to the LMP. So that's why we're launching coal keeper. We're spending $7 billion a year to keep coal powered polluting clunkers running way past their use by date. That way the LNP can get more donations from the coal industry to stay way past our use. By Date, the government could invest in new wind, solar and storage that renewable energy is to claim to give us donations, coal keeper, a reliable source of donations at the cost of only $400 per household per year. And everyone's existence

Alan Jones  33:29  
you know, something my good friend Jerry Harvey never ceases to amaze me when it comes to generosity. Harvey Norman acknowledged that they made a matzah on job keeper and they decided to give it back. Well, not all of it there'll be stupid Harvey Norman

Scott Morrison  33:41  
is giving $6 million of job keep her cash back I caved into a huge huge, huge public pressure as all my credibility went out the door. During the pandemic our profits increased by half a billion dollars selling furniture electrical embeddings $13 billion worth not to mention $22 million in free job keep no strings attached. But we're giving back all 27% of it. Wow, that sheets million dollars $6 million that the government can spend on car parks or sporting sheds and swinging electrodes in the hope that the Australian public will lose interest in Harvey Norman. Speaking of interest, we've kept $16 million interest free. Australia has been telling me to go Harvey go Harvey go fuck myself. And that's what I've done just a little bit.

Alan Jones  34:38  
As September rolled around more voices, we're adding to the pressure on the government to adopt a net zero target. Personally, I'd like to see Net Zero benefit Simon's is by 2030 on what an ogre Oh, God. G'day.

Dan Ilic  34:51  
I'm Dan Ilic, the executive director of the Australian lapsed Catholic lobby. And I just want to say that as the group that represents the largest sector of Christian In Australia laughs Catholics, we think the only way to give hope to children for their future is to take meaningful action on climate change, as statistically the only thing that will harm children more than climate change is an exponential increase of chaplains in schools. So please, when it comes to emissions net zero by 2030 and when it comes to chaplains and schools, gross zero by 2021.

Alan Jones  35:28  
Spoken and authorized by Dan Ilic for the Australian likes Catholic lobby, Canberra come in September. The Prime Minister copped a lot of flack for using Australia's Air Force One for personal trips, like flying to have high level multilateral talks with his family on Father's Day. Disgusting. Who'd have a family

Rupert Degas  35:43  
there is only one airline that can fly you to vacation in Hawaii while your home is ablaze. There's only one airline that can fly you to discover your family's history on the other side of the world, while families at home are being made history. And there's only one airline to help you secretly see your loved ones in another city when everyone else is only allowed to travel three miles from home. Fly the entitled skies where tone deaf headphones are complimentary.

Scott Morrison  36:16  
Oh, good to you. Very good. You're the best Prime Minister ever.

Rupert Degas  36:20  
The only airline where you don't have to put your seat up if you don't want to entitled airlines direct flights now available from Canberra to a place where they filmed the White Lotus.

Alan Jones  36:32  
Back in September with Sydney clocking up its 100th Day in lockdown, so called investigative humorist Dan Ilic stone it would be funny to take the mickey out of the premieres daily press conferences, I can assure you it wasn't smart or funny and needed more Anthony Kalia.

Dan Ilic  36:50  
Okay, thank you. Thanks, everyone. Okay, great. First of all, can I say how pleasing it is to hear so many people in this apartment block, yell at apartment number two, for playing Arctic Monkeys do I want to know on loop at 3am last night, it is so pleasing to hear everybody join in with a collective Shut up. That's really important. And please, we want to see more of that behavior in this apartment block. So thank you for that. As of 8pm Last night, we have seen three new episodes of Ted lasso, and two new episodes of what we do in the shadows. Those episodes had already existed in the community, and we are just catching up to them now. So what we want to do is be able to see more of those episodes sooner, but we realize there is a limit to how many streaming services people can sign up for. But as a little treat, there will be more episodes of succession for those who persist longer than the two week trial that binge is offering currently. So that's something to look forward to. For everyone that's on binge. As is a health advice, we have been going to the toilet a lot more often. But please can I just want to remind people if you are doing a number two, please please close the door after you to avoid airborne contaminants affecting the living space. This is a real issue. So please, please keep that door shut. Okay. For lunch today. It will be a spinach and tuna salad, as is the health advice. I just want to stress here. I just want to stress that it can be tempting to order a Portuguese chicken chili chips and solo combo from the local shop and have it delivered. But it is it that's fine in normal times, but it's not conducive to the long term sustainability of someone that's been in lockdown for over 10 weeks. Okay, you just can't keep that up. So tuna and spinach it is today. Now, can I say? On the weekend? We did witness about 12,000 people down at Bondi Beach just a few blocks from here. But the numbers haven't that 9000 Those people were from the Daily Mail and Channel Nine taking photos of everyone else. So please, if you do have to go to Bondi Beach, please wear a mask. So you aren't identified by Sydney confidential. Okay. All right now we'll take your questions. I've got some here from Twitter, climate patriot. Why have I never seen you in the same room as Jon Lovitz, and David Mitchell Well, climate patriots, this is an offensive question. Okay. And I'm not going to answer it. Okay. Mary wiper. What time does Dan Murphy's open? Look across most LGs it's some it's 9am to 8pm. But there are some LG A's that do it differently. So Guilford Randwick, North Ryde, you're looking at 10am opening in Mosman. It's a different closing time. 7pm. And they do that because you can't trust rich white people. You give them an inch, they take a mile and they build a hedge around that mob and no one's allowed to walk there. Okay, Gary Moore, why do we put an extra x in anti vaxis look, Gary that was a decision taken at national cabinet. The federal health minister and wanted to put three x's in there Triple X as his he's wanting the Premier's. We just thought one was enough. So we met halfway. That's why those, there's two in anti vaxxers. Okay. Hopefully that answers your question. Guido Tsali. What is the philosophical significance of girdles theorems? Look, we I think we all know, girdle was a brilliant thinker, but a wasn't a mainstream thinker. He had a lot of gaps in his theorem. It's safe to say his his theories have more gaps than a block of Swiss cheese. So that's that. Wilco last What's for lunch? Like we said in the briefing, spinach and tuna Wilker. That is the current plan. Taking the best advice from health there. Okay. Kim Fitzgerald, why is there air? Look him? The air is here Chem. Okay. We're committed to air. And can I just stress there are some in the press who say we should get rid of it, you know, get rid of the air get rid of the virus, but that's not going to happen. Okay. Areas necessary for life. And the current advice from health is that we must make a mandatory. Okay. Thanks, Kim. Peter credal asks, Do you scrunch or fold? Look, it is a tough question. And the advice currently is to do whatever you can do in front of you. There is research still being done. Currently, we're doing both we so crunching and folding. But if all you have is the ability to scratch them scratch if you're waiting for someone to teach you how to fold. We don't suggest that at all. Strange now. You can learn to fold later. Okay? Now's the time to scratch. Okay, you can't be fussy about scrunching or folding. Alright, Miss Wolfie wolf asks, Are we there yet?

No. No. All right. Thanks very much, everyone. Thanks very much.

Alan Jones  41:58  
Thank you. At the height of lockdown tensions in September Milburn's right wing fascist tended at high vis vest and pretended to be tradies and proceeded to ride in Melbourne, fake tradies are nothing new, but usually they're reserved for the Liberal Party, not the Nazi Party. Though it's hard to tell the difference these days, that's for sure. God.

Unknown Speaker  42:18  
White brothers, white bread through one of our own here today has portrayed us due to sick. So I say unto you, here in the group chat. On the first day, we shall rise, and we shall walk and together we will fight for our tiebreak. And on the second day, toward our enemies, we shall throw ceremonial peace.

Unknown Speaker  42:45  
I've just been struck in the back of her head by a camp, then we shall

Unknown Speaker  42:49  
go to the water and walk over the bridge the West Gate Bridge to the holy promised land of Werribee. And on the third day, I will descend upon the shrine of remembrance, and they will remember who we are. We are the chosen trainees returned to us what was taken our smoko. Until then, may their rivers turn into bourbon in their backyard swept by mosquitoes, their boards. Digit with be nice, they won't be easy. We will be persecuted, crucified in the media, but they're passionate but we will rise from the ashes of our building sites. We will beat Corona with protein, vitamin C and vitamin D. Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness, or I will feed them or the victim and they will remember us lest we forget in my own name. Amen.

Alan Jones  43:53  
Thanks ladies freedom loving white power traders word alone, we heard them and so did corporate Australia who was quite happy to help. At soft yakka we believe eating our meat pies and Chucky milk on the inside. So we believe the Anzacs didn't die fighting fascism during the global pandemic so we could choose to die during another global pandemic. And soft yakka we don't believe lockdowns should stop trival EMS Rocktober when it's already ruined lead September and Faith No More August soft yakka the official supplier of nappies to Melbourne tradies. So if you ask anyone inside the camera bubble, they'll tell you that the Liberal Party has a woman problem. Well, let me tell you that they're doing just fine and their latest program to address it should be put in the chat bag and be thrown out to see

Unknown Speaker  44:50  
in March of 2021. The women of Australia made it clear that they wanted things to change that up with the lack of government action when it comes to gendered violence. Many marched to Parliament has to demand the Morison government listen to what they had to say. Well, the good news is we did hear some of the many changes the Morison government made that will benefit all Australian women. When former Liberal staffer Brittany Higgins went public about an alleged rape in a ministerial office in 2019. The Prime Minister listens to Brittany after his

Dan Ilic  45:21  
wife clarified at him using his daughter's as a theoretical example,

Unknown Speaker  45:24  
and immediately ordered an inquiry into which members of his office knew about the alleged incident so the right people can be held accountable.

Dan Ilic  45:32  
This report was due in June 2021. It has now been suspended before it could be completed due to legal advice. When a historical rape allegation against Christian Porter was made public. He was immediately stood down after 27 days and he's a position of Attorney General only to avoid a conflict of interest while launching a defamation case against a woman journalist he later a border which means he definitely didn't lose or win. And Leader of the House, Christian Porter was later temporarily reappointed the leader of the House, and in 2018

Unknown Speaker  45:58  
the Morison government commissioned the respected work report, which made 55 recommendations towards how to improve women's safety at work

Dan Ilic  46:07  
of the 12 recommendations that needed parliamentary approval, the government passed half ignoring workplace laws to ban sexual harassment and for employees to have a duty of care to take meaningful action to prevent sexual harassment from happening. With Porter gone, not gone,

Unknown Speaker  46:20  
the Prime Minister created a new women's Task Force to tackle these problems. Head on the Morison government looks forward to making the behavior of blokes like Barnaby Joyce, who resigned from his position as Deputy Prime Minister due to sexual harassment allegations. A thing of the past.

Dan Ilic  46:36  
Barnaby Joyce is once again the deputy prime minister. He's also been appointed to the women's task force

Unknown Speaker  46:41  
because the Morison government looks forward to the future. That's why we're holding the Women's Summit in September of 2021. With a prime minister will definitely be listening to what the many speakers will have to say.

Dan Ilic  46:53  
Scott Morrison appointed himself as main speaker at the Women's Summit. Brittany Higgins was invited last minute by a third party.

Unknown Speaker  46:59  
Ladies you asked for change. And you got it

Dan Ilic  47:03  
not technically true. The liberal party put your blind trust in us supported by Diana royal am for rational fear Canberra,

Alan Jones  47:10  
come October 15. Only two weeks out from cop 26 The biggest climate change conference the world has ever seen which still doesn't exist. Barnaby Joyce decided now was a good time to start to think about doing nothing about climate change, which still doesn't exist.

Dan Ilic  47:26  
Do Sunday. It's the biggest decision in Australian climate politics history bigger than starting the emissions trading scheme bigger than axing the emissions trading scheme bigger than implementing their renewable energy targets bigger than canceling the renewable energy targets bigger than creating the Department of climate change bigger than dismantling the Department of climate change bigger than starting a mining super profits tax they get an ending of mining super profits tax begins hitting a sunset date for old coal plants bigger than trying to use Texas to keep those old coal plants alive bigger than the High Court ruling the Environment Minister has a duty of care to Australia's children bigger than the environment. Mr. Sage, you High Court Oh kill those children if I want to use three new coal mines much much much bigger, much much bigger than the size of the barrels the nets get their pork in this Sunday, the National Party will gather to vote on whether or not to agree on net zero by 2050. Like the rest of the world. Will the National Party dare to do the bare minimum for one or will they do whatever their mining donors want to help them stay in power for another 36 months and ruin the entire thing planet for every one for ever? This Sunday, a decision bigger than Barnaby some count the national party room showdown a donation will buy your whole seat but you'll only need the edge. There ain't no party like a National Party because the national parties don't adopt new policies.

Alan Jones  48:50  
I think it's safe to say we are a premium program here and a rational fear, which is why we're very very choosy when it comes to fresh tomato sandwiches and financial sponsors.

Rupert Degas  49:00  
You live in a fast changing world. Today's Attorney General is tomorrow's backbencher. Accountability is something that can only exist if you can see something to count. When you need a sense of mystery for your big pot of money. Put your blind faith in orders blind trust because whoever is paying off a public person's legal bills should remain private, at least until after the next election. Borders blind trust is sort of program should keep going in Australia essentially forever. terms or conditions don't apply. If you're a member of the Liberal government. Check the PDS for details. No really, please check because I couldn't find any details. When I look.

Alan Jones  49:40  
Well. Would you believe it 48 hours before cop 26 The biggest climate change conference in the entire world which doesn't exist. The government rushed out a plan on a napkin to reach net zero greenhouse emissions by 2050. Except the plan didn't reach that at all. Just like my ratings on Sky News. It fell short by about 50%

Dan Ilic  50:01  
It's time for another episode of Angus bull.

Scott Morrison  50:04  
Angus Taylor, welcome to the program.

Angus Taylor  50:06  
Thanks for having me species Great to be with you.

Dan Ilic  50:08  
The netzero 2050 plan from the Minister for emissions plateauing. First,

Angus Taylor  50:14  
the how. Now we are investing $20 billion in targeted r&d expenditure prioritizing key technologies like high clean hydrogen,

Dan Ilic  50:24  
clean hydrogen is the spin name for blue hydrogen, which is made from fossil fuels, which creates greenhouse gases, which adds to global warming. Anything else that may keep the fossil fuel dream alive, Minister for emissions plateauing to carbon capture and storage, carbon capture storage and mystery technology that doesn't work at scale anywhere in the world, the only thing it's managed to capture is time to delay the phasing out of fossil fuels. So what is this plan? That's not going to work going to cost? I mean, other than all life on Earth,

Scott Morrison  50:56  
the $20 billion, you mentioned there is just for the next for this decade. So what's the full cost to get to net zero?

Angus Taylor  51:04  
Well, that run rate of the money we're spending over the next decade is what we would expect into the future,

Dan Ilic  51:10  
expect to pay 20 billion each decade until we reach 2050. And if you include the 250 billion national slush fund, that may have been agreed to so that the prime minister could utter the syllables 2050 in Glasgow, that could be $310 billion. That's right $310 billion for a bunch of miracle technologies that don't work and don't cut emissions. Hope I'm not paying for it, just to

Scott Morrison  51:37  
be clear what a taxpayer is going to have to pay under your plan to get to net zero.

Angus Taylor  51:43  
Well, taxpayers are not paying anything. We're not raising taxes. I mean, that that's the important point.

Dan Ilic  51:49  
The 310 billion isn't going to be paid by taxpayers, it's going to be paid by the government who is paid by the taxpayers. Fantastic, great move. Well done. Angus. If the Minister for emissions reduction was interested in reducing emissions, he'd phase out fossil fuels and turn Australia into a renewable energy superpower, but he's not. He's interested in one thing, ensuring baseload donations from his fossil fuel friends.

Alan Jones  52:18  
One of the rational fears greatest guests in 2021 was mcnevin the self proclaimed World's Greatest high jumper. He's a national hero, just like me, Alan Jones.

Dan Ilic  52:27  
So McNabb and thanks for joining us and Australian high jumper who claims to be the greatest high jumper in the world. Welcome.

Mick Neven  52:33  
Yeah. Thanks for having me. Yeah, that is correct. I am.

Dan Ilic  52:37  
I am. Do it's an amazing claim to be the world's greatest high jumper. What's the basis for the claim? Well,

Mick Neven  52:44  
I have never missed the jump. No one's not that. That's right. I have never noticed the bar onto the mat. So what's your highest jump 50 centimeters 50 centimeters, that's not very high. Well, that is the target that I've set for myself. And I meet and beat that target. Every time I jump.

Dan Ilic  53:05  
Now, the mentor jam record is 2.45 meters and the women's record is 2.09 meters. You're nowhere near that.

Mick Neven  53:12  
I hear but I don't worry about what other high jumpers are doing. You've never once competed at the Olympic Games. Why would I see a limbic at the heart of all those so called high jumpers making bold claims about clearly 2.4 meters and what happens? They all not the bar onto the mat, and they look pretty stupid doing it. I made them beat my target every time I can do high jumper. Yeah, it's only 50 centimeters. That's right. I don't need to jump higher. I'm less than 2% of the world type jump. If I raised the bar to even 1.5 minutes sure I could jump it so that's a clear goal. To achieve that I need to coach I'd have to start training I did objective. Why bother? I can meet the beat that 50 centimeters and it doesn't tax me

Dan Ilic  53:54  
or anyone else. Yeah, 50 centimeters. You know a primary school kid could jump that jump. So

Mick Neven  53:59  
I am the world's greatest I'd never you're not the world's greatest. The World's Greatest high jumper. Never missed the jump. Don't forget that. Never missed the jump. Make. Thanks for joining us on irrational fear. See you on the mat buddy.

Alan Jones  54:16  
Now one of the reasons I don't go on social media is to constant bullying and criticism from voices who have megaphones but no real authority. If I wanted to experience that, I've just listened to my own show. Thankfully, the government has a plan to silence the wrong kinds of speech.

Peter Dutton  54:32  
Hi, I'm Peter Dutton. And I'm calling on the tech giants to keep Australians safe on the internet by implementing trolls seeker. Trolls seeker is about protecting the most vulnerable people to criticism in society, government ministers. So if you're an anonymous internet user who can't afford a defamation lawsuit, or worse, a journalist from the ABC with an incorrect opinion. You better watch out I already see when you're sleeping. I already know when you're awake. I don't know if you've been bad or good, but I don't know who you are. And that is a problem because we can't Trump a subpoena down your chimney. So, tech giants Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Solitaire. I'm talking to you unmask your anonymous trolls now, especially the ones that look like eggs. I'm jealous, otherwise will unfriend you like they do in China, North Korea and Myanmar. Now that's how you handle a bully troll seeker. Protecting Australians who work at Parliament House trolls second does not apply to anonymous accounts run by MPs like Andrew laming Mark Latham, or Amanda Stoker, because that's just awkward fun.

Alan Jones  55:36  
Now, let me tell you something. When I got sacked from Sky News, I did it for a reason to serve Australia. I once coached the Wallabies I could cut the government easy peasy. For one. There's no point of it. Simon's in the Liberal Party. God, what an ogre. Good morning everyone and fellow Australians, many people are asking me when am I going to run for politics? Well, there's no better time to step up than after being stood down. So after being the king of broadcasting on TV, and who GB I'm joining the LNP. After all, they share my values, we both deny the existence of climate change. We both deny the existence of women. We both know how to do cash flow comment. Speaking of there's never been a better time for gas led recovery. Nine out of 10 epidemiologists agree the best way to cure a respiratory virus like COVID-19 is with a gas pipeline, pumping delicious, natural methane to everyone's home where they sleep. Turn on your gas pipe today. And when it comes to accountability, I'm not scared of a federal icoc After all, I've had to face achma a number of times. Remember when I started a race, right? I was held accountable and forced to say sorry, God, that was hard. It was only a race, right? So they've won me, Alan Jones on Alan Jones to join the Liberal Party which got us to sign me up just like Sky News were to get us to get my brave opinions on the air. So I did the next best thing I got one of my interns to start a company that I held a press conference to announce to the world that my interns company would be signing me up for a brand new all digital network cure LAN. The Morning everybody. Over the last few months I've been undergoing emergency medical treatment on my leg. It turns out I had been leaning too far to the left. God thank God they fix that up. Now while I've been away those vermin at scar news have canceled me. Yes, I'm a victim of canceled culture. So that's why I'm starting my own social network. Cancel your Foxtel subscriptions and sign up for que LAN the social network by me Alan Jones from sign up you can enjoy all the benefits of being a kulen member, Robert Menzies is still Prime Minister,

Robert Menzies  57:44  
you call a man a racist. The Wallabies win every

Alan Jones  57:47  
now and then. And for the first time in four years, the Wallabies have won mark Latham cooks up a delicious Southeast Asian inspired meal. These are the best scones. And each week a new album is released by Anthony Kelly as a I want a voice sounds like a bit like a computer but we're working that out. And the best thing is you'll be surrounded by like minded retirees over the age of 65. So you'll never have to worry about grandchildren correcting you with fake news about climate change from NASA. God global warming, what next? There's a plague or something. Give me a break. Anything you can do on Facebook you can do on Cuba LAN plus more. You can poke people. Yes, you can berate people, you can put people in a chat bag and throw them out to see you can even inside a race right at the click of a button. And the best thing is a camera can't touch you. So join que LAN the social network where free speech is for easy payments of 4999 a month and you can be friends with me Alan Jones for an extra 699 a month. That's real cash in the comments. So join cure Len today. I was gonna call up Jonestown but it was taken on Alan Jones. Well, that is it for another year. A big big thank you to Jake Brown, Dan Ilic Rupert Degas, Robin McGregor, mcnevin Virginia gay brother and Morgan, Anthony callea and all of the Patreon subscribers that Australian digital holdings including John the deep as kid to read McCoy Tenjin sing, Fred Stokes, Ned Bilham Ziqi and Alistair Bondo Mazagon. Thank you very much. honored to have you on our little podcast program. Good dad, Australia.

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