Motivations for Kindness Are Often Mixed

How important are relationships and the feeling of being loved to human happiness? How have the fields of happiness studies and relationship studies converged? 

Sonja Lyubomirsky is a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. She is also the author or co-author of the books How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, and The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make You Happy, but Does.

Greg and Sonja discuss her shift from happiness research to her co-authored book with Harry Reis, How to Feel Loved. Sonja explains that many happiness interventions (gratitude letters, kindness practices, and variations like texting gratitude vs. social media posting vs. private writing) work largely because they increase feelings of love and connection

They also discuss why listening is difficult, with Sonja sharing her experience in a Tel Aviv listening workshop, and the need for compassion and a growth mindset. Other themes include the Michelangelo effect (helping others become who they aspire to be), balancing sharing and listening (avoiding monologues or interrogations), appropriate vulnerability and gradual self-disclosure, and the “multiplicity” mindset of seeing people as complex quilts of good and bad traits to reduce harsh judgment. 

The episode also considers whether people can feel loved without being loved, including AI companions that can mimic excellent listening but lack a genuine open heart, and the risk that some people may substitute simulated relationships for real ones. 

*unSILOed Podcast is produced by University FM.*

Episode Quotes:

What’s the distinction between being loved and feeling loved?

07:42: A lot of us are loved, but we do not feel loved. So we might have, we might know that our partner loves us or child, or a family member or friend or colleague. But we do not really feel loved. And when you think about it, feeling loved is what really matters even more, right? Because if, you know, if you love me, but I do not feel loved by you, it is almost like you do not love me, right? Like, because I am not really sensing that, and so feeling loved is really important. That is what really matters to happiness.

The key to feeling loved is really to be known and to know the other

10:16: The key to feeling loved is really to be known and to know the other, and we get known by taking the wall down a little bit. And I get to know you if I help you take your wall down. How do I help you take your wall down? By showing curiosity. Then hopefully you will start to open up a little bit. I show even more curiosity. I ask you questions and I l truly listen, not really just try to fix it or help you or tell my own story. I just listen to learn.

The first step to feel more loved

09:11: If I want to feel more loved, the first step, which may sound counterintuitive, is to help the other person feel loved first. You go first. I go first. The first step is to show genuine curiosity in the other person, in their inner life and the details of their day, their dreams, goals, values, fears. We all want that. We want to be seen, we want to be heard, and we do not get genuine curiosity very often. When was the last time you remember telling a story about yourself and the other person was so curious they could not wait for you to finish the sentence? It is rare. When it happens, it is priceless. That is such a gift to someone, to show authentic curiosity in them. It has to be authentic because you cannot fake it. That is the first step. You help the person be seen by showing curiosity in them, and that helps them open up more.

Real connection requires both listening and sharing

18:48: If you only share, it is a monologue. You are spouting off. If you only listen, then it is an interview. It is an interrogation sometimes. You really need to do both. They go together. That is where the emotional intelligence comes in. Because when you are sharing, the entire time you are sharing, and we all know people who do not do this, they go off and they seem to not see any cues that the other person is not interested in continuing the story.

Show Links:

Recommended Resources:

• Harry Reis
• Relationship Science
• Michelangelo Phenomenon
• Impression Management
• Multiplicity
• The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work
• Esther Perel
• Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become
• Techne
• Unsiloed 208: Psychological Safety and the Benefits of Discomfort with Todd Kashdan

Guest Profile:

• SonjaLyubomirsky.com
• Faculty Profile at UC Riverside
• LinkedIn Profile
• Profile on Wikipedia
• Social Profile on Instagram
• Social Profile on X

Guest Work:

• Amazon Author Page
• How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most
• The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want
• The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn't, What Shouldn't Make You Happy, but Does
• Google Scholar Page
• TED Talk | 1 thing you can do today to be happier

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