Vocabulary and role models for expressing needs

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Hey friend, welcome back to Even Here, Even Now.

I want to talk about the needy woman.

You know her. She is the trope. The hungry ghost who wants and wants and wants and is never satisfied. The one who is a bummer to be in a relationship with. The one whose needs are framed as the problem.

Here is what I know after more than a decade of doing this work: Your needs are not the problem. Your needs are the solution. And honestly? You might actually need to be a little needier.

In this episode I am getting into why so many of us were conditioned from such an early age to divorce ourselves from our needs, what happens when we stuff all of that down for years (hint: it does not go away, it just waits behind a very full closet door), and what the tornado of unexpressed need actually is and where it comes from.

I also share something really personal about my own journey. I used to be someone who left every party and immediately called a friend to ask, was I okay? I used to pick myself last. I used to white knuckle everything around me trying to create safety from the outside in.

And I want to tell you what changed.

Because getting into right relationship with your needs is not just about learning to ask for things. It is about becoming your own secure base. It is about reaching your hands into that tornado and holding the youngest part of yourself and saying, I am not afraid of you. I am not going anywhere.

That is the work. And I am so glad we get to do it together.

I also share something new I am adding to Tend this spring called the Daily Touch, and between now and when enrollment closes I will be releasing a daily audio transmission right here on the podcast so you can get a taste of what it feels like to be supported in this way.

Come find me. I want to hear your yeah-buts. You can reach me at mara@maraglatzel.com, on Instagram at @maraglatzel, or drop a comment on YouTube.

Mara

EPISODE TIMESTAMPS 💞

00:00 The needy woman trope and why it is a lie 

02:29 How we are taught from childhood to suppress our needs 

04:51 What happens when you stuff your needs away for years 

06:47 The tornado of unexpressed need and where it actually comes from 

09:03 Why we need someone to reach in and hold us in that place 

11:31 What happens when we have no role models for expressing needs 

14:34 Becoming your own secure base and what that freedom actually feels like

 16:45 The moment I could no longer make myself fine 

20:31 Why people are afraid to do this work (and what I say to that) 

24:42 The oldest sister problem and how deep the grooves of over-functioning go

 29:20 Introducing the Daily Touch and what is coming this week

You can't stay on your own side if you don't know what your needs are in the first place. Tend is a 12-week season where you'll learn to notice and name your needs, build unshakeable trust that they're legitimate, and stay by your own side, even when everything in you wants to self-abandon. 

Spring cohort starts March 27, doors close March 20—join me at maraglatz