Stoic Objectivity Over Shame

Do you have a clear picture of the person you want to become? And what happens when you fall short of that person — not once, but again and again? Today I want to talk about what you should do when you fall short of reaching your ideal self.

“Give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.”

— Epictetus

There's a particular kind of disappointment that comes with self-improvement. It's not the disappointment of failing at something you don't care about. It's the sting of seeing exactly who you could be, and watching yourself fall short of it. You know what you're capable of. And when you don't reach that version of yourself, it's easy to wonder if any of the work is worth it.

This came up recently in a discussion in my course, Build an Unbreakable Mind. We were talking about how we hold expectations of who we want to become, and what to do when we fall short. It stuck with me. So today I want to go deeper — into the specific traps that hold us back, and how to get out of them.

The Greater Man

Nietzsche had this idea called the Übermensch — German for "Over Man" or "Greater Man." A lot of people assume it's about domination or superiority. It's not. It's about becoming the best version of yourself. Not incrementally better — genuinely, fundamentally greater.

Marcus Aurelius put it more simply:

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

When you measure yourself against that greater version and come up short, you face a choice. You can do the work to close the gap — or you can quietly lower the bar.

And lowering the bar is much easier.

You see it everywhere. The person who justifies cutting corners because everyone else does. The one who stays quiet when they should speak up. The one who tells themselves they didn't really want it anyway after they fail to get it. These aren't moral failures so much as they are the path of least resistance.

But here's the thing: when you give up and lower your standards, you don't escape the pain. You suffer twice. Once because you saw who you could be, and once because you stopped trying.

The Goalposts Always Move

Here's something you often don’t realize when you start doing real inner work: the better you get, the further away the finish line looks.

You grow. You climb the hill. You reach what you thought was the summit — and from up there, you see a mountain range stretching out behind it. Your old vision of yourself was too small. And now that you can see further, you're disappointed you're not already up there.

This is actually a sign of progress. Epictetus said, "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." Doing expands what you see. You can't have the vision without doing the work, and the work keeps revealing a bigger vision.

But it doesn't feel like progress. It feels like failure.

And it compounds. The problems you're dealing with now are bigger — because you've grown into bigger problems. Things that used to derail you are now easy. But the new obstacles require skills you haven't built yet. You're failing more, and sometimes failing bigger, because you're attempting more.

You've leveled up. So have the challenges.

What Demosthenes Knew

This is where most people quit. And I want to tell you about someone who almost did — and what happened because he didn't.

Demosthenes is considered the greatest orator of ancient Greece. He could move thousands with his words, and he shaped the course of Athenian history. But the first time he stood before a public audience, he was laughed off the stage. He had a severe stutter. A weak voice. Awkward gestures. He was, by every measure, a terrible public speaker.

He could have accepted that verdict. Most people would.

Instead, he went to work on himself in ways that looked almost insane. He shaved half his head so he'd be too embarrassed to go out in public and would have to stay home and practice. He put pebbles in his mouth and recited speeches against the roar of the sea, training his voice to project through chaos. He practiced in front of mirrors for hours. He built a study underground and retreated there for months at a time.

He didn't close the gap between who he was and who he wanted to be by wishing the gap to be smaller. He closed it by working — imperfectly, repeatedly, without guarantee of success.

The gap between who you are and who you want to be is not a verdict. It's an invitation.

Changing the Rules

So how do you keep going when the gap feels impossible?

You don't lower your standards. You change how you measure progress.

First — examine where the vision came from. Is this actually your ideal, or did someone hand it to you? Society, family, a religion, a culture — they all have a version of who you should be. If you're running toward someone else's finish line, winning won't feel like anything. Get clear on what you actually value, and let that be the compass.

Second — kill your expectations. As my friend Trever puts it: expectations equal disappointment. When you hold up a perfect ideal as the only proof that you've "made it," you've guaranteed that you'll feel like a failure. Perfectionism isn't a high standard. It's a trap that keeps you stuck in a permanent state of not-enough.

The vision of your greater self is aspirational. It's a compass, not a destination. You are not supposed to arrive at it. You are supposed to move toward it.

The real game is simple: are you better than you were yesterday? If yes, celebrate. If not, get curious — not critical. Curiosity asks, what can I learn from this? Criticism just piles on. One moves you forward. The other keeps you stuck.

Voltaire wasn't a Stoic, but he got this one right: "The perfect is the enemy of the good."

Third — accept that failure is part of the work. If you never fail, you're only doing things you already know how to do. You're playing it safe. Failure is what happens at the edge of your capability — which is exactly where growth lives.

I'm experiencing this myself right now writing my next book. It's a different kind of project than my last one — longer, deeper, more narrative. It's stretching me in ways that are genuinely uncomfortable. I'm failing at it regularly. But I'm also learning skills I didn't have before, and that only happens because I'm in the uncomfortable middle of something I don't know how to do… yet.

Simply put, never waste a good failure. It happened and you can't change that. But if you learn from it, it stops being a failure. Instead, it becomes exactly the lesson you needed.

Objectivity Over Judgment

The Stoics gave us another very useful tool, and it's one of the most misunderstood.

They talked about looking at yourself with objectivity — without the overlay of shame, blame, or self-judgment. A lot of people hear "objectivity" and think cold or harsh. It's the opposite. Objectivity means removing unfair judgment. It means seeing clearly what happened, rather than spiraling into a story about what it says about you as a person.

This doesn't mean ignoring your emotions. Emotions are signals. There is wisdom that our bodies often understand long before our brains. If you feel disappointed in yourself, that's useful information. It tells you that this matters to you. If you have a gut instinct about something, take it into consideration. Pay attention to those signals and use it as fuel to move you forward.

But when emotions run the show, they turn a specific failure into a personal verdict. You didn't just fall short. You are a failure. That story isn't true, and it isn't helpful.

The rational mind — the one the Stoics kept coming back to — is actually the kinder voice. It says: here's what happened, here's what I can learn, here's what I do next. It doesn't catastrophize. It doesn't condemn. It gets curious, and moves us forward.

Conclusion

The path to our better selves is not a straight one. There are always going to be obstacles, setbacks, and disappointments. And the real truth is that we’ll never reach that perfect self. The vision is a compass so we know what direction to go. We need to remember that goal is not about perfection, but progress.

And as you progress your vision of what you can accomplish will widen. You’ll see farther, see more of what’s possible, and tackle bigger problems. Rather than letting that disappoint you, let it excite you.

As Epictetus reminds us:

“Progress is not achieved by luck or accident, but by working on yourself daily.” — Epictetus

That's the work. Not reaching the ideal. Not closing the gap once and for all.

Just moving forward — honestly, persistently, and a little more clearly than yesterday.

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Thanks again for listening!

The Build an Unbreakable Mind program for building mental discipline is now open for enrollment!

My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!

Find out more at https://stoic.coffee

Watch episodes on YouTube!

Find me on linkedIn, instagram, or threads.

Thanks again for listening!

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