Don't coach people who don't want coaching

Have you ever gotten feedback that made you want to flip a table because it was both insulting and totally useless?

In this Top Shelf Replay, we revisit "They Told Me I'm Too Nice" and break down what that kind of vague feedback is really doing (sometimes gendered, almost always inactionable), why it hits so hard, and how to respond without spiraling - or people-pleasing your way into a personality transplant.

Then we go beyond the original episode with practical, real-world tactics: how to ask better follow-up questions, how to force examples without sounding defensive, how to "prime" your manager before a meeting so you get usable feedback, and how to figure out whether your boss is actually trying to coach you… or just dumping drive-by advice from a book they skimmed on a flight.

If you lead people, we also flip the lens: how to avoid giving your team confusing feedback that basically translates to "please be a different person," and how to coach toward outcomes instead of vibes.

• Treat vague feedback as a starting point, not a conclusion. Thank them, then ask them to say more until you have something observable and specific.

• Ask for examples on demand. Use: "Can you tell me about a time I did that well?" or "Who does that really well?" This forces specificity and gives you a model to study.

• Match your effort to their effort. If it was a drive-by comment, don't burn three weeks of anxiety trying to decode it. If they clearly invested in you, invest back proportionally.

• Prime your manager before a meeting so they know what "good" looks like. Tell them your goal (scope agreement, signature, commitment, decision) so their feedback anchors to outcomes, not vibes.

• If you want feedback, specify what kind you want. "I'm not looking for grammar edits—I want alignment on strategy" is a transferable skill for stakeholder reviews and exec comms.

• For managers: don't "coach" people who don't want coaching. Find out what they want first, or you'll waste time and damage trust.

• "I don't need you to be my Grammarly when you review this document. I need to know if we are strategically aligned."

• "Below the line? You just crossed the line, buddy."

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