371: People pleasing is ruining your sex life with Darshana Avila
Better Sex
Consent, the Wheel of Consent, and the 'no' pivot
Darshana highlights Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent and reframes no as a pivot for further collaboration.
Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Darshana Avila (featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop) about “erotic wholeness,” defined as integrating all parts of ourselves and relating to eroticism as life-force vitality that can fuel sexuality, creativity, and relationships. They explore how people-pleasing functions as a protective strategy—suppressing authenticity to maintain connection—and how it undermines both pleasure and intimacy. In long-term relationships, this often appears as partners (often women in heterosexual dynamics) not knowing what they like, feeling shame about needs such as taking longer to warm up, or fearing rejection for expressing desires. They discuss sexual scripts, shame, disappointment tolerance, consent (including Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), and practical steps: identify people-pleasing, work with fear/scarcity, clarify authentic desires and boundaries, and build communication skills with professional and relational support.
00:00 Show Introduction
00:49 Meet Darshana Avila
01:51 Her Path to This Work
03:26 Erotic Wholeness Defined
06:18 Choiceful Self Leadership
07:32 People Pleasing Explained
09:08 How It Shows Up in Sex
12:41 Owning Desire Without Shame
15:16 Rewriting the Sex Script
18:19 Mid Episode Quiz Break
18:47 Mutuality Helps Both Partners
19:38 Mutual Desire Basics
20:24 People Pleasing Blocks Intimacy
21:26 Building Disappointment Tolerance
22:18 Shame Spirals and Meaning
23:03 Dont Yuck the Yum
23:38 Golden Shower Lesson
24:42 Responding with Gratitude
25:19 Finding the Venn Overlap
27:19 Consent and the No
28:36 No as a Pivot
29:36 First Steps to Change
33:08 Vulnerability as Litmus Test
35:47 Support and Where to Find Her
36:55 Podcast Wrap Up
My quizzes can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com
Bio:
Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps people reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power.
Known for her grounded, candid, and relational approach, she bridges the worlds of embodiment, emotional intelligence, and personal agency with depth and accessibility.
Darshana’s work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
More info and resources:
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
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