How people pleasing shows up in sex

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Darshana Avila (featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop) about “erotic wholeness,” defined as integrating all parts of ourselves and relating to eroticism as life-force vitality that can fuel sexuality, creativity, and relationships. They explore how people-pleasing functions as a protective strategy—suppressing authenticity to maintain connection—and how it undermines both pleasure and intimacy. In long-term relationships, this often appears as partners (often women in heterosexual dynamics) not knowing what they like, feeling shame about needs such as taking longer to warm up, or fearing rejection for expressing desires. They discuss sexual scripts, shame, disappointment tolerance, consent (including Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), and practical steps: identify people-pleasing, work with fear/scarcity, clarify authentic desires and boundaries, and build communication skills with professional and relational support.

00:00 Show Introduction

00:49 Meet Darshana Avila

01:51 Her Path to This Work

03:26 Erotic Wholeness Defined

06:18 Choiceful Self Leadership

07:32 People Pleasing Explained

09:08 How It Shows Up in Sex

12:41 Owning Desire Without Shame

15:16 Rewriting the Sex Script

18:19 Mid Episode Quiz Break

18:47 Mutuality Helps Both Partners

19:38 Mutual Desire Basics

20:24 People Pleasing Blocks Intimacy

21:26 Building Disappointment Tolerance

22:18 Shame Spirals and Meaning

23:03 Dont Yuck the Yum

23:38 Golden Shower Lesson

24:42 Responding with Gratitude

25:19 Finding the Venn Overlap

27:19 Consent and the No

28:36 No as a Pivot

29:36 First Steps to Change

33:08 Vulnerability as Litmus Test

35:47 Support and Where to Find Her

36:55 Podcast Wrap Up

My quizzes can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.com

Bio:

Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps people reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power.

Known for her grounded, candid, and relational approach, she bridges the worlds of embodiment, emotional intelligence, and personal agency with depth and accessibility.

Darshana’s work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.

Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.

More info and resources:

Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast

Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com

The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com

The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com

Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com

Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass