449. How to Feel Loved with Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis
Psychologists Off the Clock
The Relationship Seesaw and Perceived Effort
Harry and Sonja describe reciprocity in relationships and why partners often each feel they contribute more.
Feeling loved sounds simple, but it is not something that just happens because someone cares about you.
In this episode of Psychologists Off the Clock, Yael talks with Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis about their book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, and why it is possible to be loved but not actually feel loved.
They explore what really helps people feel cared for and understood in any kind of relationship, why stress or attachment patterns can get in the way, and how small mindset shifts like listening to learn or being willing to go first can make a big difference in how connected you feel.
It is less about following relationship rules and more about how you show up. Your curiosity, your openness, and your willingness to understand someone else and let yourself be understood too. If connection sometimes feels harder than it should, this episode is for you.
Listen and Learn:
- How the happiness habits you already know, like gratitude or kindness, may actually work by strengthening a hidden relationship dynamic that makes people feel deeply understood and loved in everyday interactions
- What are the key ingredients that quietly combine to make us feel truly loved and understood by others?
- How feeling loved often depends less on what’s done for us and more on whether we truly feel seen, understood, and connected in the moment
- How shifting your mindset in love can transform simple behaviors into deeper, more genuine connections that naturally grow intimacy
- How showing up first in relationships can feel risky, but it often unlocks deeper connections in ways you might not expect
- Why feeling loved isn’t just about what you receive, it’s about how you understand and respond to the love others are trying to give
- Embracing the messy, multifaceted parts of yourself to completely change how you experience love and connection
Resources:
- How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780063426665
- Sonja’s Website: https://sonjalyubomirsky.com
- Card deck from Sojna’s recommendation: The And
- https://howtofeelloved.com/
- Connect with Sonja on Social Media:
- https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonja-lyubomirsky-21283bb/
- https://www.instagram.com/sonjalyubomirsky/
- https://www.facebook.com/sonja.lyubomirsky
About Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis:
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and the author of The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness. She's also a returning guest on Psychologists Off the Clock — you can catch her first appearance in episode 227.
Harry Reis is a Dean's Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and one of the most influential relationship scientists working today, known for foundational research on intimacy, responsiveness, and what makes people feel truly connected.
Together, they've written How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets that Get You More of What Matters Most — a book that reframes the question most of us have been asking wrong.
Related Episodes:
- 172. Performing Under Pressure with Sian Beilock
- 227. The Science of Happy with Sonja Lyubomirsky
- 413. Validate with Caroline Fleck
- 422. Mindwise with Nicholas Epley
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