Role-play: sexual blockage in marriage

“The less I own my own sexual needs and desires, the less I can be responsible for them. So people who disown their sexuality are very likely to act out sexually destructively because their sexuality is like a dog without an owner. “ - Mike Elkin

Disclaimer: This episode contains direct discussion of sexuality, shame, gender stereotypes and triggering language which may evoke strong reactions. The views of podcast guests do not necessarily reflect the views of the host. Listener discretion is advised. 

Given how vulnerable and shameful sexuality can feel, it’s no surprise that lots of protector parts take on big roles to try to keep us safe. Befriending these sexual protector parts can be especially challenging. On this episode, Patty talks with Mike Elkin, Senior Lead trainer for the IFS Institute with over 50 years in the field of therapy and 25 teaching IFS.

At 83 years of age, Mike is a beloved and wise teacher with his own unique style informed by his background in hypnosis, addictions, and hanging around billiard halls. He shares his views on sexuality, shame, moral meaning, gender and patriarchy. He also plays a few rounds of “Stump the Chump” in which he demonstrates how he would work with several challenging sexual protector parts which I role-play.

He identifies the deepest human drive as needing to believe “I am a good person" and explains moral meaning as parts assigning judgments of good and bad to everything, fueling shame cycles in addiction and intimacy. He highlights Self Energy's superpower to wipe away moral meaning, which he believes is not a real thing yet the feelings provoked by it cause our protectors to “put out fires with gasoline.” 

Mike is good at activating parts which he acknowledges is something he does both to make teaching points and because it feels good for a part of himself. Patty notices her parts jumping around a few times as Mike makes broad statements that her parts didn’t always like or agree with (many women watch porn too, though may have different tastes!). At those moments Patty was able to stay  in connection with her parts andto  bring curiosity and clarity to the conversation, allowing her to appreciate the efficiency and effectiveness of this approach for contracting with challenging protectors and being able to reach the exiles carrying the burdens. She  invite listeners to notice how your parts respond to our conversation and what points resonate with you the most. What challenging protectors do you encounter in your own sexual system?

Mike Elkin, LCSW, is a renowned leader in the field of Internal Family Systems (IFS) whose career has spanned over 50 years in psychotherapy, trauma healing, and addiction treatment.

From his 1984 work Families Under The Influence, close collaboration with Dr. Richard Schwartz in the early adoption of IFS, and years as an IFS trainer - Mike has leveraged his expertise to innovate the most effective methods of healing trauma including hypnotic techniques to supplement IFS.

His dedication to spreading the principles of IFS therapy extends beyond professional circles, as he actively works to make the model accessible to individuals and organizations worldwide. A visionary in his field, Mike continues to inspire the next generation of therapists, empowering them to foster healing and transformation in their clients' lives.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Mike Elkin’s career has spanned over 50 years in psychotherapy, trauma healing, and addiction treatment.

Connect with Mike: 

mjelkin@verizon.net 

canis_major@mac.com

ifsdemoz.com

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