Ask Rachel anything
Is conflict never-ending in your home, or are your teenagers benefitting from having a sibling? We talk about our own experiences - memories of driving our own siblings up the wall - and the research we've read that will help you to make the situation positive.
One thing to note is that if you have an only child don't panic. There are some enormous benefits of not having a sibling; it's just different.
Top tips from Positive Parenting Solutions for reducing the conflict between the siblings in your home:
- Don't label your children, or compare them. Don't make them the pretty one or the clever one or the sporty one. It's very limiting and is bound to create conflict.
- Arrange for attention. Make sure they each feel they are being noticed, and that their needs are being met. Those needs will differ between children.
- Prepare for peace and set grounds for acceptable behaviour. Teach them the language they should be using to communicate properly, be clear about what is expected from them in your home, and arrange ways in which conflicts can be resolved without fighting.
- Stay out of the conflict. Don't always step in to resolve it. They may be fighting just to get your attention. Each time you feed that behaviour by getting involved you run the risk of making things worse. Teenagers need to be developing the skills to fix problems themselves, so give them time to work it out.
- Calm the conflict if you do get involved listen to both sides, getting them to talk in terms of 'I feel'. Don't apportion blame, get them to discuss ways in which they can stop the situation escalating again.
- Put them all in the same boat. Make the consequences of their behaviour the same for everyone involved. If they end up fighting they both end up suffering. If they behave themselves, they both benefit.
Listener's question: We discuss the case of a thirteen year old girl who is doing very well at school, but misbehaving at home, vaping and swearing. What's going on? Could her parents approach the situation differently? How should we handle vaping?
For vaping, watch Big Vape with them. It’s on Netflix in the Broken Series.
Resources referenced in the podcast:
Sibling rivalry:
- Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
- The Sibling Connection by Jane Mersky Leder
- Calypso by David Sedaris
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/articles/199301/adult-sibling-rivalryJudy Dunn, professor of human development at Penn State University.
- Deborah Gold, Ph.D., senior fellow at the Center for Aging and Human Development at Duke University
- www.positiveparentingsolu
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Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
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You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk
